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I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

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Re: I’ve been single all my life

#421

Post by stormking »

fsckboy wrote: post #404
trashface wrote: post #276

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Introversion has drastically different effects for men and women in the dating market. An introverted woman will still get approached by men, so even if she intentionally opts out of dating, she can always opt back in pretty much on the fly if a guy she likes approaches her. So she will still get relationships, if she wants them. Introverted men, on the other hand, often just don't pursue women, especially if they ha…

(just looking at heterosexuals as you are doing,) every time a man forms a relationship with a woman, a woman also forms a relationship with a man. So, "different outcomes" for men and women are bounded by the roughly equal numbers of men and women, and the number of single men will come out the same as the number of single women*, so any impact that introversion of either sex has will also play out in the other sex.…

You implicitly assume that one man can only have a relationship with one woman at the same time (or vice versa). If you drop that assumption (because it's BS), your reasoning just collapses.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#422

Post by brigandish »

maximus-decimus wrote: post #385
mmierz wrote: post #368

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Probably not, martial arts classes that are marketed as self defense or exercise rather than as training for combat sports get a significant number of women

Maybe it's just me but it seems tone deaf to go pick up women in a course about kicking harassers butts. It feels like something they would do in Wedding Crashers.

Putting yourself in the vicinity of the opposite sex while doing some useful activity is not quite the same as picking up women.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#423

Post by Patrones555 »

aschearer wrote: post #44

First off, bravo for sharing. Much respect. That said, this is borderline navel gazing. Stop thinking about "what it's like to go swimming" and jump in the lake. Yes, you'll get wet, look stupid, and make a mess. There's no way around that. The sooner the better. If you need to reason yourself into the water, I recommend "The Village Effect." Statistically, humans fair better with a rich tapestry of relationships. Ar…

> Statistically, humans fair better with a rich tapestry of relationships

correlation is not causation

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#424

Post by tpoacher »

JohnFen wrote: post #143
hombre_fatal wrote: post #83

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never…

As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.

Worse, if someone does knock on your door, it's a safe bet you're about to be scammed.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#425

Post by brabel »

fsckboy wrote: post #404
trashface wrote: post #276

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Introversion has drastically different effects for men and women in the dating market. An introverted woman will still get approached by men, so even if she intentionally opts out of dating, she can always opt back in pretty much on the fly if a guy she likes approaches her. So she will still get relationships, if she wants them. Introverted men, on the other hand, often just don't pursue women, especially if they ha…

(just looking at heterosexuals as you are doing,) every time a man forms a relationship with a woman, a woman also forms a relationship with a man. So, "different outcomes" for men and women are bounded by the roughly equal numbers of men and women, and the number of single men will come out the same as the number of single women*, so any impact that introversion of either sex has will also play out in the other sex.…

This argument is wrong. A "hot man" or "hot woman" can have many partners in a short period of time, sometimes at the same time. Less desired people, as you can see in this thread and pretty much everywhere this topic is discussed earnestly, can go a whole lifetime without even a single partner.

In my experience, women absolutely have an easier time getting partners, and there's no contradiction. It's just that a few men are taking all the girls - always been this way (notice how many places used to even enshrine that in law by allowing marriages between one man and multiple women - quite a few countries to this day) and probably will never change.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#426

Post by brabel »

kranke155 wrote: post #135
mattrighetti wrote: post #123

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more. This is a classic, I've heard people say stuff like this in basically every country that I visited. I don't think it is something that can be measured, it's just something super subjective and a bit of a stereotype. From my experience, I've noticed that typically individuals will say this of people with thei…

… this sort of stuff is not just a “stereotype”. This stuff is real. This is measurable. I am Portuguese - Brazilian. The gap between meeting and making new friends is gargantuan between the two countries. You can meet Brazilians for an hour or two and they’ll invite you to some gathering at their home. Portuguese people will do this less. And I’ve lived in England where this is even harder to make friends. London is…

> London is the loneliest city in Europe

Are you sure? Living in the nordic countries, I find it difficult to believe it... Swedes make Britons look extremeley outgoing and open.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#427

Post by firstlink »

8n4vidtmkvmk wrote: post #270
colinflane wrote: post #224

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Off topic, but as an introvert lurking in an introvert thread, I want to say: this is true professionally, too. My boss's boss's boss put it this way: no one is spinning around in his chair at his desk, twiddling his thumbs, thinking, "_When_ will Tom ask me to meet over coffee?" But if you send him a note, and ask politely, and convey earnestness, odds are good he will meet you for coffee.

Another way of looking at things is "just ask". What's the worst that'll happen? They say no, you lost nothing, gained nothing. But there's a surprising # of yeses out there to be had. Which reminds me, I once asked this beautiful woman out, not thinking she'd say yes, but she did. We had a good run.

> What's the worst that'll happen?

It depends on how bad you are at following rules #1 (be attractive) and #2 (don't be ugly). If poorly enough, then even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#428

Post by brabel »

muyuu wrote: post #334
LukasRos wrote: post #328

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm the guy who wrote the post and I can confirm the number of single women I meet is extremely low - which is what I meant by "lack of opportunities". I do have a somewhat active social life but I would have to actively optimize that for meeting single women, which would require some changes, which I haven't done - "lack of desire". But it's something I want to work on and maybe that's my next blog post :)

I suspect it will just start happening naturally if you get into something that isn't too male-dominated. Not necessarily knitting-club or yoga class levels, but maybe astronomy, gardening, camping/hiking or board games level.

I didn't have too much trouble getting girls when I was younger, in my home country... but once I got a bit older, and I mean around early 20's, not 40's, it started getting really difficult, and not for lack of trying... I was pretty much a party animal at the time, and would do pretty much all sort of things to meet girls and hopefully start a serious relationship, which was my real goal for quite a lot of time. I went to university events I knew there would be girls (not in my department, CompSci was almost entirely male). Gym. Festivals. You name it, I did it. I even tried approaching a really geeky girl I knew, as I thought she might be a good partner as she was a bit like me, just more extreme in her introvertness... after a few "dates", she had to told me she's lesbian, and I had no clue :D.

I really hurts to say that I completely failed. I saw lots of friends getting girls so easily while the girls I approached seemed to be offended by me even trying. I did end up having a couple of short relationships with women I was completely unattracted to, unfortunately... but of course, it couldn't last.

I made it my number one priority to find a wife (now I was past 30's already). So I started online dating, which I found miserable and humiliating. Nothing much came of it. Until I finally went on international sites. Likely, most of it was scam, but basically the first woman I started communicating seriously with became my wife, eventually... funny how things go.

But at the cost of me having to move to another country, something I had no intention of doing... but as my number one priority, I made the sacrifice of moving and leaving everything behind, as she told me from the beginning she would not move for me.

We're still married, more than 10 years later, but I really miss "home", and even though she's quite good to me, I wouldn't say we're a perfect match... I had to give up not just the country where I lived, but things like having children (she doesn't want any) and visiting my family often (she doesn't like them). Everyone knows I moved just because of my wife, and it feels horrible to me because, truth be told, there are so many gorgeous women where I came from and they know it too :(.

I am at least happy I didn't end up alone.

All I am saying is: if you think it'll just happen naturally... well, it won't... but be careful how far you're willing to go to make it happen. Maybe it's not worth it.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#429

Post by JohnFen »

firstlink wrote: post #427
8n4vidtmkvmk wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Another way of looking at things is "just ask". What's the worst that'll happen? They say no, you lost nothing, gained nothing. But there's a surprising # of yeses out there to be had. Which reminds me, I once asked this beautiful woman out, not thinking she'd say yes, but she did. We had a good run.

> What's the worst that'll happen? It depends on how bad you are at following rules #1 (be attractive) and #2 (don't be ugly). If poorly enough, then even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

> rules #1 (be attractive) and #2 (don't be ugly).

Those are imaginary rules. Physical attractiveness isn't as important as many people think. Charm and confidence are much more important.

> even a coffee invite will get you fired with a sexual harassment suit following you around for the rest of your life.

No, it won't, unless you're actually engaging in sexual harassment.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#430

Post by throwaway19423 »

JohnFen wrote: post #379
8n4vidtmkvmk wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Another way of looking at things is "just ask". What's the worst that'll happen? They say no, you lost nothing, gained nothing. But there's a surprising # of yeses out there to be had. Which reminds me, I once asked this beautiful woman out, not thinking she'd say yes, but she did. We had a good run.

My business partner (an extrovert, where I'm an introvert) put it this way: if you don't ask, the answer is always "no".

Here is the issue though .. as a man, if I am not interested in clubbing, going to the bar, art class, etc. where do I meet women to ask? This was the conundrum I was in throughout grad school. It is really, really hard. As I have aged, I know there is a flip side of the coin, where women also wonder where the "high quality" men are hiding. But it is way too hard.

I do remember in my younger days approaching someone on the bus .. in a friendly, non-creepy way. It didn't go anywhere but we did become friends for a short period. I just don't think it is okay approaching women generally in places like the bus because it is not okay to make them feel creeped out.

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