I’ve been single all my life

Later I learned if I want to be part of the party. I needed to check my brain in a lock box and not let it out until the social event is over. A social event is about meeting people and good feelings.

Bitcoin. Investing in Beanie Babies. Selling your house and becoming a digital nomad? That’s wonderful. You are living the dream. Other platitudes.

- population density: the more opportunities to connect with someone, the better. A densely packed city selects (or transforms others into) people who are open to meeting others. This also makes it the natural default to be within talking distance of someone; consider the opposite: you’re sitting in a coffee shop with enough square feet to comfortably fit 30 people, but there’s only you and 3 other people there — you’d have to conspicuously walk 15+ paces over to say hello to someone you’re interested in.

- transience: a city that is full of people who must be outgoing in order to not be alone means that you in turn will fit right in by being similarly outgoing and social. You’re looking for somewhere that people often immigrate to, or has a job market that brings people in from elsewhere, etc. You’ll be able to go out solo, make some friends along the way, and you just doing your thing will eventually attract the attention of someone in the room.

- walking-friendly: the more time you’re sitting in a car, the less time you’re surrounded by people. If you have someone giving you eyes while your walking down the sidewalk, that’s a perfect opportunity for a spontaneous date — but that will only happen if, you know, there are actually people walking around outside.

- social events: are there parks? Flea markets? Food trucks? Outside movie screenings or live performances? Food festivals? Meetups catering to your interests? Anything that gets people out and bumping into each other?

I’ve had fantastic long term relationships with people that I met in line at the airport, or at the coffee shop, and other miscellaneous random encounters. But your choice of city and its culture will determine the probability that you’ll hit off with someone that you randomly meet, and the odds that you’ll randomly bump into anyone at all in the first place.

I’m presently living in Dallas, Texas again (where I was born and raised), after having lived in DC and NY. Would not recommend anything similar: majority of people here have friend groups from their childhood and aren’t really looking to meet new people; coffee shops and other establishments are incredibly spacious (because land is cheap and people here generally want space from others, rather than e.g. communal bench seating); there aren’t many outdoors social events; you have to drive to go anywhere; etc. Only reason I moved back was due to some health stuff that I have since gotten over .

I suppose you could do online dating, but I’m not really a fan. If you have dozens of people lining up for a date with you, I feel that it screws up your perspective at the beginning, as you break prospects down into a matrix of pros and cons and try to prioritize who you go on a date with next — sucks the magic out of meeting someone. Vs bumping into someone, make eye contact briefly, look away for a moment, and then find that you both did a double take at the exact same time: there’s just you and that other person caught up in the chemistry of the moment.

If I look at history that is a bit closer, grandfather and great grandfather those were the opposite of oppressors. At least the mens that were honored were the ones that created the most and helped people around the most. Women back then had they hands full with kids, house to keep and probably older parent around. I think it was seen as a duty and pride of men to make her wife life as easy and comfortable as possible.

I hate the idea of anyone feeling inferior or less worthy due to not being chosen by someone else.

At the same time, we can speak objectively about what one group of people statistically find desirable in another group. I mean, we could also choose to not speak of it — but for many there is utility in understanding (and thus speaking of) what is desired by others: if you know what they want, you can decide if it’s worth making choices that would satisfy those desires, and you can also be realistic about how likely you are to satisfy those desires as a function of time and other variables.

As a heterosexual man, I can speak of the opposite side of the coin: over 99% of women I have seen on online dating apps clearly state that having kids is a must — my not wanting kids by that logic makes me unsuitable as a dating prospect. I could be upset: “how dare they see me as some sort of sperm dispensing machine?!” But the reality is that they don’t harbor any ill intent, they just simply want kids and that means I’m not a good choice to satisfy that desire.

Which reminds me, I once asked this beautiful woman out, not thinking she'd say yes, but she did. We had a good run.