I’ve been single all my life • Hacker News Board

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#91

Post by all2 » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:27 PM UTC

rektide wrote: post #74

carbine wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm a woman and have had long serious relationships and long-ish stretches of being single. Took me a while to filter through all the social pressure BS and realize that, on balance, I have been way (WAY) happier single. Maybe this could change one day? But right now I have no interest in changing it. It'd take someone extraordinary. I'm not 'poly' or 'asexual' or any of that crap, I've just had to give up so much of…

Masculinity can be quite isolating/toxic but it's emphasis on your intra-tionship, your living with yourself, on relying on yourself, has arisen in my mind in the past couple years as a kind of interesting aspect that feels undersocialized, out shadowed by other discussions of the male gender norms. I hope it wouldn't be too unfair to say that women are regarded as more social, as relying more on their friends & comm…

> Masculinity can be quite isolating/toxic but it's emphasis on your intra-tionship, your living with yourself, on relying on yourself, has arisen in my mind in the past couple years as a kind of interesting aspect that feels undersocialized, out shadowed by other discussions of the male gender norms.

I think somewhere along the line "self-reliance" became conflated with "anti-social". I've had to put in concerted effort to build my social network of men I can lean on for social activities and accountability. Being by oneself can make almost any task seem insurmountable. Couple that with being self-reliant and you have a recipe for disaster. It is no wonder so many men are committing suicide.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#92

Post by ZephyrBlu » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:29 PM UTC

hombre_fatal wrote: post #83

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never…

100%. Exposure is almost always the problem.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#93

Post by hexo » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:31 PM UTC

hammyhavoc wrote: post #64

hexo wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go" sorry, but this is one of the worst lies ever.

If you get on a train, you are statistically more likely to reach your destination than just sitting on your ass. Yes, you may die in a fiery trainwreck, but getting on the train will lead you in the direction to where you intend to go. If you do nothing, expect nothing. If you attempt to work on your personal problems, be they psychological, physical, financial, whatever, you are more likely to make a change in your…

Yea, more likely is the correct term. 100% agree on that. Unlike in travel, there is no map or compass to show you the right direction.

Especially, when the outcome is exact opposite than intended after many, many months of hard work on yourself.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#94

Post by all2 » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:35 PM UTC

scohesc wrote: post #70

I've been single all my life as well, heading into my 30's and it's getting to the point where I feel like the crippling loneliness is absolutely killing me on the inside, likely going to lead me to an early death. Trying not to seem "needy" or come off as desperate is hard and is definitely a turn-off. I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection. I minimized the amount of…

> I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection.

You've acknowledged this is a problem. What are you going to do to fix it?

> I feel like the "social" parts of my brain that should have developed years ago have now atrophied/cemented themselves into place, unable to experience the emotions, unable to mentally process social cues and understand the "hidden meaning" the things people say.

Fortunately for you, your feeling is incorrect. Those parts of your brain may be underdeveloped, but the brain is plastic and can be changed.

> but why bother if it's likely just going to end up in regret/rejection/heartbreak/etc? The pros/cons don't seem to weigh out - but then again, how would I know if I've never been in a relationship?

If you don't try, you'll never go anywhere. Have the courage to get hurt. If you get hurt, keep moving.

> I'm incredibly embarrassed to admit I've never been on a date of any kind

Don't sweat it. Many men are in this same position.

> It kills me inside every day I look at myself and scream internally at why and how I feel so broken socially and mentally.

So what are you going to do about it?

> Doesn't help now that the hairline's receding.

Take a look at the work of Derek from More Plates, More Dates. He had a receding hairline as well, and managed to reverse it with a combination of select shampoos, microneedling, and some other things.

> just looking to see if anybody else feels this way or have felt this way

Yes. I looked in the mirror for many years and hated what I saw. I still feel that way sometimes. There are many just like us.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#95

Post by numbers_guy » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:36 PM UTC

hombre_fatal wrote: post #83

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never…

He lives in Germany too, where it takes way more effort to turn an incidental encounter into something more.

And I agree with you. I think, for a lot of these guys, if you literally never ever get a good chance, then of course that you go into "monk mode". I only fell in love the first time at 22, because I met a girl who I found amazing. The second time at 28, again because I very randomly met a girl who was amazing.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#96

Post by sergiomattei » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:37 PM UTC

all2 wrote: post #78

sergiomattei wrote: post #65

I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m 23 and have experienced a solid number of partners and committed relationships. After my last long-term relationship however, I realized how much time and energy these commitments take. I’ve noticed that after a while, I tend to lose myself in long term R’s, and I hate the feeling. This ends my relationships. It starts out fine, with healthy and strong boundaries with reg…

> Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them. Simply put: fear of losing access to sex will make many men compromise a lot. There are other things that can contribute to this, such as "wanting her to be happy" being conflated with "she will only be happy if she gets her way". I recommend you read No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if it rings any bells for you. A strong commitment to boundaries doesn't…

I’ve read that book and found it very helpful.

As for the reasoning behind my actions, I often feel it’s not only about sex, but a deeper need to avoid confrontation and keep a relative peace in the relationship.

In one of my last relationships, part of the problem was a constant war over my personal boundaries. My partner was requiring too much of my attention and energy, pushing things, moving fast at every turn. This eventually eroded the lines I set.

This situation is something I need to keep an eye out for future relationships!

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#97

Post by kayodelycaon » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:38 PM UTC

SoftAnnaLee wrote: post #10

The OP reminds me of some of the aromantic and asexual folk I've known. Not necessarily prescribing any label on his account. Just merely a thought based on a particular line is one I've heard a number times; > my general reply is the combination of a lack of opportunities and a lack of desire That said, I am very interested in hearing him extrapolate his thoughts further. I do use the aromantic and asexual label mys…

This might get a little weird... but I think some people might be interested in my perspective on intimacy and relationships.

I'm asexual, but not aromantic (or adverse to sex). "Relationships" aren't high on my priority list. All of my friendships are platonic and I'm quite happy with that. Where it gets weird for people is several of them are emotionally intimate and physically tactile.

For men in the US, touch is wrapped up in sex and relationships. The idea of cuddling with someone else without any sexual relationship is strange. It's one of the reasons I'm drawn to the furry fandom. For the most part, furries know some people have a need for touch without a need relationships or sex and don't consider it weird. (Whether or not a given furry will respect that boundary that is a very different thing.)

If it's hard to imagine what this is, think of how a dog or cat curls up on your lap. That's basically how I feel about physical closeness. It has nothing to do with the deep of my friendship and everything to do with how my friend feels about it.

So... relationships.

All of my emotional needs are fulfilled by my friends. Living with someone else seems like too much effort for not enough reward. I don't need sex... I have people I can touch... I have people I can call if I need help... If housework or rent was an issue, I could get a roommate. What's left? :)

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#98

Post by hammyhavoc » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:41 PM UTC

hexo wrote: post #93

hammyhavoc wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you get on a train, you are statistically more likely to reach your destination than just sitting on your ass. Yes, you may die in a fiery trainwreck, but getting on the train will lead you in the direction to where you intend to go. If you do nothing, expect nothing. If you attempt to work on your personal problems, be they psychological, physical, financial, whatever, you are more likely to make a change in your…

Yea, more likely is the correct term. 100% agree on that. Unlike in travel, there is no map or compass to show you the right direction. Especially, when the outcome is exact opposite than intended after many, many months of hard work on yourself.

Struggling with autism, I not infrequently get on the wrong literal non-metaphorical train, stand on the wrong platform for an hour, pass the station I'm meant to disembark. It's rough. But you can extrapolate that idea to working on yourself too—sometimes we forget to get off the metaphorical train, don't know which train we're meant to be getting, not even sure how to get somewhere, but as long as someone is trying to get somewhere rather than just being content with where they are, I think that's beneficial in most scenarios.

I've also struggled with depression, hence the "sitting on your ass", wallowed for many years and just tread water. Execute on intent—do something—carpe diem—make a change—you can always make another—just don't accept your life as-is if you're unhappy with it.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#99

Post by fernly » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:41 PM UTC

I think the word that Rosenstock was searching for, was "Introvert"[1]. I'm an introvert who had the good fortune to marry another introvert, and live contentedly with her for 40+ years. Following her death a few years ago I reflected on the differences between being part of a couple, and being solitary. There were many.

Health maintenance was one; somebody else in this thread has already commented on married men living longer. It works both ways, too. Each partner keeps tabs on the other, notices problems, encourages them to stick to health resolutions, etc. Plus you both are much less likely to forget things or miss appointments, because the other one is there to say, "Didn't you say..." or "Weren't you going to...?" and so on.

There were other, more subtle but still powerful effects. In general, I and my wife, as a couple, were a bolder, smarter, more adventurous "person" than either of us was alone.

So my advice to Rosenstock would be to seek another dedicated introvert. Of course it's hard to get their attention...

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Extraversion_and_introversion

"Introversion is the state of primarily obtaining gratification from one's own mental life". There is a considerable popular literature on the benefits and drawbacks of being introverted.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#100

Post by browningstreet » Wed, Apr 12, 2023, 9:42 PM UTC

hammyhavoc wrote: post #46

CoolioMqSo wrote: post #26

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

Anecdotal, but dating apps have to be the worst way to meet someone. Everybody I ever met through them has major problems and that's why they have to meet people through an app dedicated to meeting people for relationships. It's such an unnatural and strange concept.

Hard disagree. My last "n" relationships over more than a decade came from dating apps. It's also a high-percentage source of relationships these days.

Dating apps can be where people go shopping, but it can also just be a way to filter for people you wouldn't ordinarily encounter doing the things you do day to day. In that respect, they're great.