You are welcome, fellow internet stranger. Being human can be complex, and it can be healthy to nurture conversations like this. Hopefully this HN forum will provide you with kind, friendly guidance and feedback.
Thank you for sharing so much about your life! Fills my imagination, and gives me some details to better sympathize with your path.
Way to go, is a compliment I'd like to pass. I speculate you enjoy the achievement of adventure. Like, your concept of "living well" appears to me to include this kind of adventure. I think it's fair to also say, you deserve to be celebrated. ADVICE So .. maybe include some of that in this '23 post-breakup "making my life better" survival pivot?
ADVICE Having a mentor (savvy to education-field competitiveness) might help with the uneven feeling you describe. Has that worked out before, or if you tried and it did not, was it also toxic for you? I imagine that being disadvantaged versus another person can be turned around and made to feel more of an exciting challenge. The "life is a game" approach - and I know well how (negative, positive) emotions influence reality, so that can also be a part of the game.
You are a human and we're at the top of our planet's food chain. We are a product of millions of years of evolution, and your mental process is going to be sophisticated. Keep respecting the challenge of knowing yourself. You seem to be introspective, and actively doing this.
(This may be more for me than you:) There are still magical moments yet to unfold for you, biologically speaking. (The onset of adult thinking around puberty is not the last change to look forward to.) And finding a companion person who is maybe good for making kids / a home, and is a friend, is a wonderful form of support when it is healthy. Plus we all come with mental/emotional baggage - so, wisdom / self awareness, and self-control are generally useful IMO.
> Funny thing is, accomplishments made me happy at least in the past. [...] get into a very competitive MSc. program [...] made me feel good about myself.
This is a significant observation - identifying what's rewarding after you accomplish. Feeling good is part of it. Knowing deeply how 'feeling good' matters to you can be useful. Maybe I'm talking more at myself than you here, sorry if so. There is also the motivation of BEFORE, how did you get there in the first place? "[...] a lot of hard work and isolating myself during my undergrad I managed to [...]" Why did you do it? What kept you studying and practicing?
I don't yet know, how Motivation to achieve and then the end Reward interact with each other. I know that my thinking is sometimes my worst enemy, telling me the Reward is no longer worth the effort, and simultaneously I lose my Motivation. There was some brain-science articles / medical notes I was looking at the other day that diagrammed some of how this works (partly in the context of Meth making it impossible for users to be happy, yuck) which might be assuring to you too, if you can find it.
For you, the "I like XYZ" stuff is critical, I think. The adventure of life. Yes there is reward, though it may be (internet stranger speculation ...) that just Seeking could be a bit more important for your mental health.
And, I'm sorry the relationship fell apart - that's complex stuff.
EDIT: +1 for unexpected poetry. Art is I think a part of the human experience.