201–210 of 323 posts
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Someone is in a foul mood today. Did you just have a breakup or a divorce? Cheer up, chief. Maybe divorces can be prevented by getting better at setting the terms of marriage. Like pre-marriage counselling.
We did some marriage counselling last year and it was great for us, highly recommended.
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Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…
Marriage isn’t really a solution to any of the problems you state. Divorce is a very real outcome of marriage, as are prenups. Many countries also have rules around care for a previous partner by means of common law partnership etc… Married people often don’t work towards the same goals anymore than unmarried couples. Marriage can also be a form of entrapment for abused individuals, a means for political gain or forc…
I appreciate you letting me know about reality as I have led a sheltered life with no real world experience.
I've been alive and married (20+ years) for longer than I was alive and single. Its been pretty ideal.
How long were you married for before you learned these things and formed your real world marriage experience that I am unaware of? If you were married and it failed then I can understand your negative view of it. I'm sorry it did not work out for you, the end of a marriage / relationship can be hard.
"Divorce is a very real outcome of marriage, as are prenups." lets change that to "Divorce is a very real possible outcome of marriage". prenups are a before marriage thing. So is a long happy life together.
My sister is going through a divorce because they married for reasons other than love and it was clear that it was not a marriage of 2 good people in it for the other.
My brother has also been married for longer than he has been single. Been through some incredibly tough family issues (deaths) that if they were not married would have probably broken them up. Years on they are very happy.
Marriage if done right and again entered into by people that care about each other is an incredible bond and one I feel has contributed strongly to society.
There are negatives to everything but again if its a good match the positives far out weigh it.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing, If its not for you then more power to you, there is no reason to knock the institution that has worked for so many others. Its been around and working for many people for tens of thousands of years. Maybe be open to the fact that there may be some good things that you are missing rather than that through all of human history people have been dumb.
This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…
Depending on how you see the marriage. Did people or God[1] invent it? TBH, I'm wondering if you are / were married or just talking.
- Marriage is not about finding the right person, but rather BE the right person.
- Don't expect a not perfect person to fulfill your desires, but rather try to be there to support the other.
- Don't try to change the person. You fell in love in the end with that person. Why change her/him?
[1] I know that this might not be popular on HN. I can accept that.
Sounds like you are a sensitive, thoughtful and feeling individual. And you are reaching out to more people, strangers, presenting yourself as a massive pile of broken glass - a poetical description suggesting you'd like to talk about yourself in the context of a Feeling Thinking self-ideation. (ADVICE: you might want to naturally add more of that to your life, e.g. a regular poetry class, or write a daily Haiku, so…
My childhood dream job was being a pilot, but my eyes are slightly too weak for the medical thresholds. I still have that passion for aviation. I'm always excited to go to the airport, or see planes flying by. There was a time when I could identify which plane was flying 40000ft above me just by its size/shape/shape of its contrails. I played a lot of flight simulator in my teenage years.
Funny thing is, accomplishments made me happy at least in the past. I come from a small rural village and my family had money struggles when growing up. With a lot of hard work and isolating myself during my undergrad I managed to get into a very competitive MSc. program in one of those universities everyone knows. That gave me a big boost in confidence and made me feel good about myself. It also helped getting into the prestigious research group I am in now. But at/after the MSc. I somehow became disillusioned with academic/work achievement and realised just how uneven the playing field is (I met many very privileged people at that uni). And also that it's more important to go your own path rather than adhering to what society tells you to do (because, in slightly Orwellian terms, what society tells you to do is certainly influenced by fat bellied, suit wearing people in board rooms).
Other than that? I guess I've always been into sports. I like "optimising" my health (but not to an obsessive degree). I like great literature and philosophy (although I'm sometimes thinking it's a form of escapism for me and that I secretly want to heal myself by absorbing some of the insights). I like the outdoors and nature. I like travelling and being in motion.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…
The fear of someone being destitute after 20 years of marriage has been somewhat alleviated with divorce laws. Usually, the assets gained in mariage are split 50/50. This could also be set with a pre-nup. On the other hand, if neither party makes a good salary, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.
I’ll give it a shot: It is rock bottom for the glowing persona you constructed to match your parents’ expectations. You learned to do this before you can remember, and the tendency to do so will be something you’ll need to learn to manage. It is not rock bottom for the actual you, and this you is only beginning to realize they even exist. Learn how to name your emotions. Force yourself to not care what others think t…
Sounds like youve described my life as well so as much of a cold comfort it is; you arent alone in this experience. Some suggestions. 1. Theres usually a big gap between understanding and belief. You can “know” something is true but not have it feel true, or let that knowledge have any positive affect on your outlook or physiology. This simply takes time. Be patient and kind with yourself. 2. Self help books are good…
If you grew up in a toxic family of the type you're describing it could be that the hardest thing is to realise that as an adult you can do whatever you want. Sounds obvious and easy but can be really hard to internalise and act on. And it's the thing that matters most, because once you do have the feeling that you can do whatever you want, you can figure out what you want and do it and live a happy life. It will pro…