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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#251

Post by bjornsing »

cynusx wrote: post #199
bjornsing wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> at a fundamental level remaining a victim is a choice It would be nice if this was true. But sadly it’s simply not. Everybody understands that there is physical abuse that cannot be overcome. Unfortunately there is also psychological abuse that cannot be overcome. So I agree we should all strive to avoid remaining victims, but I don’t think it’s healthy or even correct to say that those that do have chosen to be vi…

Victim blaming is completely different, that's saying that you deserved to be abused. Nobody deserves to be abused. There is a longitudinal study on PTSD cases that investigated why only 35% of people suffer PTSD while some of their colleagues go to similar events and while going through trauma processing, bounce back after some time. The main finding was that many of them found helpful frames of references to manage…

I’m not saying it’s exactly victim blaming, but it’s pretty close: you are attributing the cause of somebody’s misery to them, instead of the person that abused them.

Try the same line of reasoning with physical abuse and you will hopefully feel less certain. E.g. why does one person fall, hit their head badly and become paralyzed, while another could just shake off the same punch? And if you met somebody who had been beaten badly by a parent and become paralyzed for life would you give them a pep talk about how it’s a choice they’ve made? Probably not (I hope).

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#253

Post by kiko123 »

0xbadc0de5 wrote: post #60

For me it was a life-altering traumatic injury in my early 20's followed by the common pitfalls associated with such an event. What turned things around for me was taking ownership of my situation. Understanding that while it certainly sucks, whether I continued to spiral downward or crawled my way back up was entirely up to me. It was absolutely within my power to turn it around and I chose to do so. I actually reme…

Hey, you up for a chat? I guess I'm kinda a younger version of you, currently in my early 20s, having some (life-altering | possibly-life-altering) medical issues. I liked your learnings and would like to hear more about your journey if possible. Cheers

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#254

Post by ThinkBeat »

I am not saying this to be cruel, but you have not reached rock bottom yet.

A person you loved, who was important /everything to you has left. You are desperately sad. This impacts your life and your work /studies.

Most people will experience this in some way during their lives. The lucky few who dont. That does not make it any easier and nothing anyone can say can make it go away.

This is a process. It will take time. Nobody can make it just go away.

The statistics are in your favor my friend. People usually recover :)

When you do, you will still have an open wound and it will make your next relationship a bit more difficult bur you will also be better prepared.

However, you still have a place to live, you sound reasonably healthy, dont have any serious drug issues, you can feed yourself, you can shower. Dont trivialize this. This is more than a lot of people ever have.

You have hit a most difficult time of grief.

Ancient wisdom for such patches is to get drunk and f..k wh..- This is misogynistic, wrong and does not do anything to help anyone.

Ancient wisdom from a different place would be to hang out with a shaman and eat mushrooms or similar. (The shaman part if vital)

Now we have therapy, self-help books and even pills.

If you have the funds, possibility, ability and time, something I have tried to go somewhere strange / different. It can either help you, you get distracted by strange things and ways. Or it just make you feel even more lonely and isolated.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#255

Post by carlosjobim »

silverwasthere wrote: post #190
nyokodo wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Marriage is not all its cracked up to be. My divorce 1 year aniversary is this month, after being loyal and faithful for 12 years, I left due to abuse. I am now raising our child alone and I am so much happier now than I ever was while married. Marriage is societal cancer.

There exists no society at all without marriage. The reason marriage is absolute central in all cultures and civilization is not because it's been forced onto people by bad men or because people think it's better, the reason is that cultures or people who don't practice marriage die out quickly.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#257

Post by carlosjobim »

patapong wrote: post #124
dash2 wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.

I mean, monasteries have existed for hundreds of years.

Monasteries were a system for sustaining unwanted children, and those children united became a very powerful institution in the world. Before monasteries unwanted children were generally "exposed", meaning left in the wilderness as infants to be devoured by animals or freeze to death. Birth control is why you only see old monks or nuns today.

Still, monasteries didn't produce any children.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#258

Post by rsaesha »

carlosjobim wrote: post #255
silverwasthere wrote: post #190

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marriage is not all its cracked up to be. My divorce 1 year aniversary is this month, after being loyal and faithful for 12 years, I left due to abuse. I am now raising our child alone and I am so much happier now than I ever was while married. Marriage is societal cancer.

There exists no society at all without marriage. The reason marriage is absolute central in all cultures and civilization is not because it's been forced onto people by bad men or because people think it's better, the reason is that cultures or people who don't practice marriage die out quickly.

Which culture died quickly due to not practicing marriage?

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#259

Post by pengaru »

wonderwonder wrote: post #106
toomuchtodo wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...

Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…

> Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together.

You might as well be telling someone to just be very lucky.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#260

Post by programmertote »

Schroedingers2c wrote: post #223
programmertote wrote: post #141

I have hit rock bottom about three times in life. One was losing my dad when I was 11-12 years old. I couldn't do much to get out of the slump because I was too young. It was my mom who led the family and took on the role of breadwinner+emotional support for her three kids. I genuinely owe her a lot for her resilience in such a different time for our family. Second time was when my first girlfriend whom, like in your…

Thanks man! Really appreciate sharing your story!

You're very welcome! Just wanted to let you know that almost everyone hits rock bottom(s) in their lives. It can be very painful, but time always heal and you'll end up wiser as you get through that. :)
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