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Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#171

Post by Schroedingers2c »

garyrob wrote: post #165

You're getting a lot of excellent advice here. I feel similarly to you and have been through my own troubles that have seemed quite immense to me. In the end, the best thing for me has been Buddhist meditation and practice. I know it's a weird thing to say, and that it will probably therefore have no effect for me to say it. But I've been there, and am doing much better now, and my Buddhist meditation/practice is the…

Thanks for the reply. Which practices did you try and/or which one helped you the most? In what ways are you doing better compared to before? What makes you confident that you can attribute the improvements to meditation?

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#172

Post by starkd »

EdSharkey wrote: post #155
rdsubhas wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.

[flagged]

Someone is in a foul mood today. Did you just have a breakup or a divorce?

Cheer up, chief. Maybe divorces can be prevented by getting better at setting the terms of marriage. Like pre-marriage counselling.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#173

Post by cloverich »

pgayed wrote: post #156

Four years is a long time. Maybe this was your first significant partner. Those breakups can be hard. Open yourself up to people around you. Friends. Colleagues you trust or admire. Have and make dinner with them. Be social. Be vulnerable to people who seem receptive. Keep a good routine. Don't let it get out of whack but don't overwork yourself into isolation. You'll be okay in time. HN is rooting for you.

This is the way, based on my experience and being in a similar place at that point in my life (now 40). Breakups are hard and 2 weeks is nothing. IMHO in addition to time, seek balance: socially (reach out to close friends, slowly make effort with new ones), keep your routines, exercise regularly, and realize your professional life can take many turns and its ok to pivot. You are young still and have plenty of time to develop new relationships and career paths, take a breath, take it slow.

If you cam afford to, also consider taking a trip a few weeks from now. Very anecdotal but i found capping off the low point youll go through the next few weeks with something novel can help you shake off the old mindset once you are ready.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#174

Post by Schroedingers2c »

spencerchubb wrote: post #79

You just got dumped by your life partner. You are experiencing immense mental pain, and maybe even physical pain. That is normal. In fact, if you had no reaction to being dumped by your life partner, you may have deeper problems. It's possible that the breakup is making you more pessimistic about your PhD. How were you feeling about your PhD before the breakup? Here are some optional suggestions. Try Tinder. Try psil…

Yes it makes me a bit more pessimistic about the PhD, because I was struggling with the PhD already before the breakup. My relationship was a big support and comfort that helped me grind through especially the past few months of the PhD. But now that's gone so I feel like I'm a bit cracking under the weight of finishing the PhD within the next year.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#175

Post by starkd »

wonderwonder wrote: post #106
toomuchtodo wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...

Or marry a good person, raise happy kids and live a good life together. If you are not married and one partner makes significantly more than the other, what's to stop the wealthy partner just deciding 20 years into the relationship that they want a newer model and just leaving the former partner destitute? It creates a massive power discrepancy in the relationship. "Do what I want or I'll leave you in the street." Ma…

The fear of someone being destitute after 20 years of marriage has been somewhat alleviated with divorce laws. Usually, the assets gained in mariage are split 50/50. This could also be set with a pre-nup. On the other hand, if neither party makes a good salary, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#176

Post by Schroedingers2c »

browningstreet wrote: post #62

You gotta move. Walk. Every day. 15K steps. You have to get outside your bubble. There’s more going on than what you see and feel, and there’s something beyond what you’re experiencing right now. Part of the problem is you have to burn the time, but the more you wallow the more this time will swallow you up. It may take a year or two to get over this breakup, but if you move and stay productive, this time will not ha…

I am indeed prone to wallowing, so thanks for that advice.

Funny that you mention it. Since the breakup I have started every single day with a ~1h walk in the next park, no matter the weather. I intend to keep that routine and at the moment I find a bit of peace in doing it.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#177

Post by Schroedingers2c »

anonreeeeplor wrote: post #76

You are probably eating a lot of food with zero nutritional value and many of your problems might magically seem to disappear if you are naturally relaxed and eating properly. If you are like me, I spent decades in your state. And then I magically noticed that when I eat food that actually has vitamins and minerals and take mineral supplements all these crazy anxieties become manageable. If you are taking on all thes…

I appreciate your advice. My baseline diet is fairly healthy, though.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#178

Post by Schroedingers2c »

baby wrote: post #10

Most people of strong personas and characters have ended up there by hitting rock bottom several times and bouncing back several times with more and more resilience each time. It’s really in these moments that you can define yourself, that you reach out for philosophy and literature and ways to cope and face life. As they say: life is made of failures, and it’s always about how you bounce back (not how you avoid fail…

Wise words. Thank you!

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#179

Post by Schroedingers2c »

cloverich wrote: post #173
pgayed wrote: post #156

Four years is a long time. Maybe this was your first significant partner. Those breakups can be hard. Open yourself up to people around you. Friends. Colleagues you trust or admire. Have and make dinner with them. Be social. Be vulnerable to people who seem receptive. Keep a good routine. Don't let it get out of whack but don't overwork yourself into isolation. You'll be okay in time. HN is rooting for you.

This is the way, based on my experience and being in a similar place at that point in my life (now 40). Breakups are hard and 2 weeks is nothing. IMHO in addition to time, seek balance: socially (reach out to close friends, slowly make effort with new ones), keep your routines, exercise regularly, and realize your professional life can take many turns and its ok to pivot. You are young still and have plenty of time t…

Thank you! I'm trying all those things and got into a daily morning walk routine and am going to the gym every single day for the foreseeable future.

I also found a Surf & Yoga week in Portugal I might do.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#180

Post by marojejian »

>I feel like I've lost any passion for anything

This is one of the hardest aspects of depression, one which I'm struggling with right now again, actually.

Having been in this place many times in my life, my best advice is:

Do things first. If you do enough things, passion will flow from that. (wouldn't hurt if those things were plausibly interesting or valuable to someone).

The natural alternate philosophy is much less likely to work, which is: wait or or look for things you are passionate in, before investing effort. This is more likely to support a catch-22 cycle of depression.

But, the mind doesn't actually work this way. Nothing is objectively worthy of passion. Successful movie stars get bored of fame. I've listened to researchers passionately fulfilled by studying literal garbage.

Our brain learns to find meaning in things as we invest and explore them.

Our feelings and values change over time.

When depressed, you predict you will never feel better, or care more about things. That sort of prediction is empirically very unreliable for depressed people.

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