Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#111

Post by rdsubhas » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:36 PM UTC

dash2 wrote: post #99

toomuchtodo wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Evolve or die. Marriage is an unnecessary burden and construct in modern times. Love, date, cohabitat (non community property state), but the failure rate is too high (~66% of marriages fail) when the cost is similarly high. Warren Buffett says the factor which most contributes to your future wealth is who you pick to marry. Do you feel lucky? https://www.amazon.com/Science-Happily-Ever-After-Enduring/d...

This is a very interesting perspective! I urge you to create a society or subculture which doesn't waste time on marriage. When it has lasted for at least one generation, come back and tell the rest of us about it.

The divorce rate is 50% in US and 40-50% in developed societies today. I would rather urge you to find a society that doesn't waste time on divorces and dysfunctional marriages today.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#112

Post by trollied » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:36 PM UTC

anonreeeeplor wrote: post #76

You are probably eating a lot of food with zero nutritional value and many of your problems might magically seem to disappear if you are naturally relaxed and eating properly. If you are like me, I spent decades in your state. And then I magically noticed that when I eat food that actually has vitamins and minerals and take mineral supplements all these crazy anxieties become manageable. If you are taking on all thes…

The gut is definitely linked directly to the brain. Way more research needs to be done on this.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#113

Post by zxcvbn4038 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:37 PM UTC

Have you heard about our Lord?

From everything I’ve read that’s probably something you should explore.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#114

Post by voytec » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:38 PM UTC

yuppie_scum wrote: post #3

That’s not rock bottom. Shooting up drugs in the street is rock bottom.

It's relative. I believe that you shouldn't tell someone depressed that they haven't reached the bottom yet. Try to show them one direction: up.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#115

Post by ncr100 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:39 PM UTC

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

@ianai: The POSTER is talking about being under-prepared for integrating their emotions into their lives, and NOT in the "life goal" sense.

"[I am a] broken pile of glass" != "[I need to hear about the] job market" kind of situation.

As I read their posting, it's more of a "help me develop my emotional intelligence."

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#116

Post by eduction » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:40 PM UTC

A breakup two weeks ago is massive. So soon after I wouldn’t expect you to feel better than this, it’s good you don’t feel worse! Many people would.

And when you’re ready I’d suggest thinking again on what your therapist is saying because they have a point. After a breakup you have an opportunity to do things 100% for you with no one else to please. As basic as choosing dinner and Netflix/streaming/torrent title or as elaborate as major world travel (visit some of those international friends - and before you mention cost remember traveling young and alone is the cheapest, you have flexibility in dates and accommodation you won’t have later with kids, spouse, tired bones that need soft mattress).

I know it’s hard to see the opportunities in your situation but they exist. Small indulgences and bigger ways (eventually when you’re ready) of leveraging the advantages of being alone are the route to eventually becoming happier and stronger and healthier than you were even before the breakup. And from that strength comes better answers about your future.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#117

Post by VLM » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:40 PM UTC

> I'm also in the last year of my PhD in a sub-field I have never envisioned myself in

I can only help in a tiny little way, but I hope it helps.

My go to intro question for profs when I was in school, was asking the topic of their PHD thesis. They spent years working on it, and I always thought it odd no one else ever asked them.

It seems like almost no one I've ever met ended up working in their PHD field. This includes liberal arts, not just STEM.

So if you don't envision yourself being in your subfield, well, that's good because it seems almost no one stays in the same subfield. Maybe you'll be the outlier, but what are the odds?

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#118

Post by rubicon33 » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:42 PM UTC

“This too, shall pass”

I went through a similar experience early in my college career. I wish I could tell you about one simple trick that changed everything and saved me years of pain and struggle.

The truth is that I dug in, finished my work, and eventually over time … everything worked out.

It taught me that in life sometimes you will find yourself in a season of immense struggle. Ride the waves, do what you can to improve your situation, but above all have faith that this too, will pass.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#119

Post by verteu » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:42 PM UTC

crazygringo wrote: post #89

> I've also started therapy 2 months ago, but it's going slow and it hasn't been very useful yet. My #1 piece of advice is, find a new therapist. Therapy isn't one size fits all. You need to not only find the right type of "modality" for you (e.g. CBT and IFS* are worlds apart, generally you want somebody "integrative/eclectic" who will combine the right modalities for you), but you also simply need to find somebody…

+1, I've been to 5 or 6 therapists and 80% of the progress came from the first or second session. The remaining sessions were almost always repetitive and useless to me.

Re: Ask HN: How did you rebuild yourself after having hit rock bottom?

#120

Post by ianai » Sat, Mar 04, 2023, 4:42 PM UTC

nyokodo wrote: post #81

ianai wrote: post #12

This actually reads almost normal for a last year of a phd. But you’re in a phd program and probably much closer to complete than you think. I’d reach out to your professors about your misgivings about your research. Make it clear that you’re looking to complete the thing asap and need guidance. Forget the outside stuff. Relationships can wait until you’re done. Feeling like a failure or success is almost a worthless…

> Marriages are fundamentally just a societal complication of a relationship - complete with dubious legal consequences and a not a sure thing that can end. Or, alternatively marriage is the fundamental glue of society and the germ of new life across the vastness of time and in basically every culture through disasters and war. One of these perspectives is fair to the most ancient institution.

Someone working towards a phd in the final year of work shouldn’t be personally taking upon the baser weight and long term sustainability of society. That’s too much for any one person - Jimmy Carter clearly “settled for less” and still managed a lot more than the rest of us could hope in our lifetimes.

OP is perfectly fine to just focus on the degree and know the world will continue on while OP works.

Your framing this as something more than it is is abhorrent.