Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem? • Hacker News Board

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#521

Post by frognumber » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:06 PM UTC

nicky0 wrote: post #298

frognumber wrote: post #24

I am happy about the study, since I think this is underresearched. However, I think Gini Index this is a horrible way to look at it. Regular sex is important, but regularly switching sex partners isn't really how I want to live my life. I don't want 50 lifetime partners, 38, 15, or even 12. I wanted one. That I have more than one is a sign of failure of a relationship each time, which is not a success. If I had my ch…

"Regular sex is important" - in what way?

I find my mental health is significantly better with regular sex. Studied bear this out too.

For me, it drastically reduces stress levels.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#522

Post by yieldcrv » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:07 PM UTC

konart wrote: post #361

Fortunatelly I have a wife now, but for me for the longest time the so called "sexual lineliness" was linked with the three facts: 1) I was raised into believing that sex implies serious relationship and vice versa. As in "if we are having sex that means we are in serious relatioinship". As it turned out - this does not work like this for most (many?) people. Turns out yuo can just have a good time and some sex witho…

I'm glad you realized 3), I'm a variety act and don't consider "fortunately I have a wife now" to be an objective or finish line where I can breathe easier.

The way I would rephrase your observation is "have non-sedentary collaborative interests".

I'm having a good time. I'd like to have a better time with even less energy involved, but reading this paper suggests I have it very good and it probably doesn't really get better for me. I don't keep count but I would guess I'm in top 8-15%.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#523

Post by Manuel_D » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:07 PM UTC

wpietri wrote: post #507

apeace wrote: post #458

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Don't you think the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit is going to have a bit of a selection bias towards describing men who are assholes? You seem to be using AITA as evidence that some huge percentage of women want to date/marry asshole/abusive men. It does not provide evidence of that. You and the article you linked are suggesting a correlation between being an abusive/asshole man and having a large number of women want…

For sure. It's true that men in abusive relationships are definitionally in relationships. But the reason for that isn't, "women like abuse". Many people of all genders have abusive bosses, but nobody uses that to conclude that people like having abusive bosses. The way it works is that successful abusers are good at fooling people to get them into contexts where they can abuse. The ones not good enough at that end u…

Again, the question isn't whether people like having an abusive partner. The question is, is being an abusive (or just bad) partner positively or inversely correlated with sexual opportunity? Your linked post doesn't engage with that question at all. It does explore why people perpetrate abuse, which is an interesting discussion in its own right, but not relevant to this OP.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#524

Post by lechacker » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:07 PM UTC

konart wrote: post #308

wonderwonder wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.

>Not much. Maybe a house of worship Literature clubs, language classes. Literally any hobbie that does not require you to stay focused on device that may cut off your fingers if you look away.

Trying to "flirt" in those spheres is looked down upon just as ferociously as doing it at the office. Have you not seen the viral TikTok of the woman that was "angry" that some guy was "checking her out" at the gym, while the man was barely paying attention at her at all?

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#525

Post by hutzlibu » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:07 PM UTC

nkingsy wrote: post #241

spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

In a past life I got pretty deep into trying to help guys like this. There's a whole industry around it peddling advice that ranges from effective (yet impossible to implement for a broken person) to counter-productive and evil. It's really very simple, but people just have massive amounts of negative programming that radiates out from them like a reverse pheromone. Those who are hungry do not eat. You can't fake it,…

"while making no effort to hide one's sexual interest"

This is tricky, but key. If you hide your interest, you will most likely act weird.

And yes, rejection is part of the game and no problem. Unless of course - like you say - one is already broken. Then a simple rejection can be devastating of the remaining confidence.

Flirting is a game, but some never learned how to play. I also learned it quite late and remember the awkward teenage years and feel sorry for those who never got the chance. And nowdays it even seems harder.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#526

Post by benj111 » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:07 PM UTC

haunter wrote: post #173

jacobsenscott wrote: post #116

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most…

And to the list the once more common community places, like church which pretty much disappearing from modern life (at least in the US and Europe). I'm not religious but more and more I think that church as a community place back then had a postive effect on local communites.

So church is a place you can go to hook up and have sex? They seem to be underselling that feature.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#527

Post by WarOnPrivacy » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:08 PM UTC

krumpet wrote: post #131

I'm married and older so I'm not trying to speak with any dating authority here, but my advice would be to get involved. Volunteer in your community. Join a recreational group. Get to know your neighbors. Basically, expand your social network and do it face-to-face. I'm not saying to ditch dating apps. Rather, supplement by getting out and getting to know the people around you.

You aren't wrong but what's different today is these are often substitutes for the sort of organic socializing that was largely wiped out by modern street and neighborhood planning.

Crafted socializing tends to take more energy and resources, two things that are scarce for many in our modern economy.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#528

Post by brewdad » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:08 PM UTC

haunter wrote: post #173

jacobsenscott wrote: post #116

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most…

And to the list the once more common community places, like church which pretty much disappearing from modern life (at least in the US and Europe). I'm not religious but more and more I think that church as a community place back then had a postive effect on local communites.

Even the places where church is still a significant part of the social fabric have trended towards the mega-church format. It’s the difference between trying to get to know someone in your 30 person section course versus the 800 person lecture hall.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#529

Post by jacobsenscott » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:08 PM UTC

tasuki wrote: post #506

jacobsenscott wrote: post #484

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But where do you find people to form clubs or whatever with? Work/school/office. Also covid wiped a lot of these out and it will take some time for them to re-appear

I have hobbies. Highly recommended!

I had hobbies, now I have kids. But when I did have hobbies where did I meet people to hobby with? Work!

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#530

Post by antisthenes » Thu, Jan 26, 2023, 7:08 PM UTC

todfox wrote: post #328

clint wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many boys spend nearly their entire first 18 years of their lives stewing in an extremely toxic media/community/family ecosystem where sexual virility and your ability to have sex with women is _directly_ correlated with status and success in life. Similarly, your in-abililty to attract members of the opposite sex is _directly_ correlated with your status as a loser and station in life.

Why do humans have to seek status? Wouldn't we all be happier and healthier if we stopped caring about where we are in the social pecking order?

Because status lets you procreate and have offspring. See any mammalian group organization.