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Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

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Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#501

Post by pcthrowaway »

kragen wrote: post #404
fxtentacle wrote: post #15

I love how the article compares the unequal distribution of sex partners with the unequal distribution of wealth, because in my opinion that might be part of the cause. I would predict that being able to afford a nice apartment in a good area close to date locations will easily 10x your sex chances. There have been other studies about young men struggling to find jobs that pay well enough for them to become financial…

A weird thing about this is that I think I've had more sex, and met more new partners, in periods when I was unemployed or underemployed. When I've been really poor I've been depressed, which cuts my chances of meeting a new partner to about zero. But when I've been extremely employed I think I haven't had the time or emotional bandwidth for intimate relationships. Or travel: travelers get an automatic +4 bonus to se…

> So I think worrying about whether your apartment is nice enough might be analogous to worrying about whether your penis is big enough

I think the point of an "expensive" place (really just a big one that isn't disgusting) is that you can host people, throw parties, etc.

Being able to host is a massive boost to people being willing to go out of their way to spend time of you, and (good) hosts get a +4 bonus to sexiness also

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#502

Post by tasuki »

notch656c wrote: post #32
itsmemattchung wrote: post #4

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

> It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

Sure, and 90% dudes are chasing the top 10% women.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#503

Post by godelski »

foldr wrote: post #455
godelski wrote: post #413

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm looking at Europe and I'm a bit confused how this would be a causal relationship. 9 countries have legalized prostitution: Germany, Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Greece, Hungary, Latvia, and Turkey.[0] Human trafficking, in order of severity, is most linked to: Netherlands, UK, Romania, France, Germany, Bulgaria, Italy, Poland, Hungry, Portugal. From this list alone (these tend to follow power laws) there's…

It’s more than 9. It’s also legal in the blue-colored countries confusingly labeled with ‘Abolitionism’. It in fact appears to be legal in most of the countries on your human trafficking list.

I don't think it is confusing and I don't think it is what you're suggesting. The wiki explicitly says that the act of prostitution is legal but the act of procuring it is illegal. Essentially you get arrested for paying for sex. The John. This is often done so that women have more of a safety net and can feel more comfortable going to police if they are abused. In other areas if you are trafficked you might feel scared to go to the police out of fear that they will arrest you.

This isn't the same as saying that prostitution is legal because the transaction is still illegal. It also doesn't resolve the issue of the correlation, which is the main point.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#504

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

tasuki wrote: post #447
wonderwonder wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.

> remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in?

> What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in?

This implies one has energy and resources for social activities. A big chunk of the US is broke and/or exhausted at the end of the week.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#505

Post by Manuel_D »

apeace wrote: post #496
Manuel_D wrote: post #470

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And you conclude that this is incorrect and garbage on the grounds of what, exactly? I'm more inclined to believe the licensed psychiatrist over a random internet commenter.

To spare the HN community from this whole discussion, feel free to find my contact info in my profile. We can have a respectful debate over email if you want. I will just end by saying, you are the one making claims which require evidence to back them up. Especially on a site like HN, it is a good idea to provide evidence for broad, sweeping claims. Or else dial those claims back.

I shared a source making this claim. You don't think it's a good source, which is a totally valid position, but you've not shared any evidence for this assertion. It'd be good to follow your own advice and back up your own claims with evidence, or dial back your claims about the blog. I'm really baffled why someone who called a piece of writing "horrible guided and confused" with nothing to back that claim up is in any position to lecture someone else about substantiating claims with evidence

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#506

Post by tasuki »

jacobsenscott wrote: post #484
tasuki wrote: post #447

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in?

But where do you find people to form clubs or whatever with? Work/school/office. Also covid wiped a lot of these out and it will take some time for them to re-appear

I have hobbies. Highly recommended!

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#507

Post by wpietri »

apeace wrote: post #458
Manuel_D wrote: post #439

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> That blog post is -- and this is putting it charitably -- so horribly misguided and confused I hardly know where to begin. The post is horribly misguided and confused. Yet despite being so horrible you can't bother to explain what's bad about it? It always amuses me something is evidently so horrible as to warrant this language, but apparently not quite horrible enough to actually explain why. Ultimately, i'm not r…

Don't you think the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit is going to have a bit of a selection bias towards describing men who are assholes? You seem to be using AITA as evidence that some huge percentage of women want to date/marry asshole/abusive men. It does not provide evidence of that. You and the article you linked are suggesting a correlation between being an abusive/asshole man and having a large number of women want…

For sure. It's true that men in abusive relationships are definitionally in relationships. But the reason for that isn't, "women like abuse". Many people of all genders have abusive bosses, but nobody uses that to conclude that people like having abusive bosses. The way it works is that successful abusers are good at fooling people to get them into contexts where they can abuse. The ones not good enough at that end up alone, of course.

For anybody who wants to actually understand the dynamic, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" is a great resource. Recently discussed on HN here: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=34497066

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#508

Post by avmich »

zozbot234 wrote: post #425
avmich wrote: post #366

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> do it in a way that's clearly going to be interesting, exciting and empowering to her I wonder what examples would you have in mind? It's easy to say "just be great".

It's not easy, but it should be your goal. Do you think most guys (or even most women, perhaps) have ever paid the least bit of attention to being interesting and exciting to their prospective partners, much less empowering them? Even with people you genuinely like and care for, it's not something you'd know to strive for intuitively. So the bar is not that high.

> Do you think most guys (or even most women, perhaps) have ever paid the least bit of attention to being interesting and exciting to their prospective partners, much less empowering them?

I know for sure that a lot of men, significant percent of my single friends, actually tried that for years, with little to no effect. Seems like when a woman needs the man to be interesting and exciting, she wants some non-trivial specifics which are actually hard to either understand or achieve.

> So the bar is not that high.

Would you think that this whole situation the article describing happens while the bar is not that high? Do you think the problem is illusory? Or the society as a whole just doesn't know some rather simple to make and simple to understand actions?

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#509

Post by LorenPechtel »

giantg2 wrote: post #135
spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

"I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-looking, that have not been touched by a woman in years." I have a friends like this. One solution a couple of them have found is dating internationally. Not via "mail-order" services though. It was sort of a situation where they had a domestic friend who had friends or relatives abroad who were looking for a US marriage. So there was some trust there, a…

I would strongly discourage fishing in international waters. The basic problem is that there is a huge incentive for such women to pretend interest when what they really want is the green card. The balance of what each brings to the table shifts considerably once the permanent green card is issued.

Note that this is *not* to say that international relationships can't work--I've seen some that do (including my own) but I do not know of one that didn't involve one person being in the other's country already (although I would not rule out both people being in a third country, I just don't know any such.)

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#510

Post by yieldcrv »

wolongong942 wrote: post #113
notch656c wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

While the 80/20 stuff is true i think another under-explored aspect is that there just isn't many non-bot women on these dating apps, after all their business is exploiting men for these gold memberships/boosts. Most women i know in their 20s easily get attention on a daily basis through posting on Instagram, working a retail orwaitress job or simply walking into a bar, they also have social groups and hobbies so the…

the wildest part is that the very people who advocate not hitting on people at work will be the first people talk have a nice relationship with a customer who hit on them at work

everyone can perceive that this acts as just gatekeeping for unattractive people

yes, newsflash people would rather not have advances from ugly people, but to masquerade that as trying to vilify advances at all is pure fiction

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