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Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

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491–500 of 806 posts

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#491

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In a past life I got pretty deep into trying to help guys like this. There's a whole industry around it peddling advice that ranges from effective (yet impossible to implement for a broken person) to counter-productive and evil. It's really very simple, but people just have massive amounts of negative programming that radiates out from them like a reverse pheromone. Those who are hungry do not eat. You can't fake it,…

Might be simple but still unattainable to a huge swath of guys. It's like trying to tell someone not to freak out before a job interview - just go there, be yourself and don't care about the outcome. Let me know how well that worked out...

The trick is to not be desperate for the job, and to schedule as many job interviews as humanly possible until it's just a thing you do[1]. Most people don't feel great after each rejection and so are not willing to put in the work.

1. The same strategy applies to public speaking, or product demos, or chairing a meeting, or systems design for people who feel they are not good at it. The human mind is incredibly adaptable and has great capacity for learning when exposed to new environments. The only exception is if the person has some kind of trauma or psychological wall and exposure harms them - in that case, I recommend talking to a professional first.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#492

The article correctly identifies that lack of intimacy and relationships are serious problems, with sexual loneliness being a related comorbidity (if you will). The comments, so far, predictably drift toward "how do we get everyone laid?" Giving everyone access to sex will not solve sexual loneliness. And, solving (a lot of) sexual loneliness can be achieved without giving everyone access to sex. Anecdotally, I spent…

Even a simple compliment is rare. We could start there. Does the following meme resonate? https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EcNQvJwXgAEqCLI.jpg

I mean to be fair a lot of this is because men don't compliment each other.

I'm a lesbian and I've been out for 22 years and I still have to be careful giving men compliments because they think 'I like your shirt' means 'I want to suck your dick'.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#493
post #182

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>It's interesting to me. I have female friends in their 30s who go on tons of dates but reject pretty much all of them for any long-term relationship. The ones they seem to be in to tend to reject them after a couple of dates. This is simply the other side of the coin, "online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers" What is happening is that in the same way most women get more attention than most men,…

I don't understand how this is a stable situation. If women have to compete so much, wouldn't it be better for them to lower expectations?

A common tendency is for women to become accustomed to the type of men she can find for casual sex online, it's rough to go from dating the top few to an average partner.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#494

> One possible aid for sexual loneliness might come from online dating apps such as Tinder. In theory, online dating could provide an efficient way to find a partner. However, online dating divides people heavily into winners and losers – perhaps even more so than traditional dating. While women can get attention from thousands of men online in just a few hours, men are lucky if anyone is interested in them My wife d…

The dating market for men seems very similar to the job market: * It's easier to find a partner when you already have one * There are much higher standards in getting dates (akin to interviewing) than once in a relationship * Theres a power imbalance due to cultural expectations that men are the pursuers

> *Theres a power imbalance due to cultural expectations that men are the pursuers

There is also a power imbalance due to men being physical more powerful than women, which is a concern for most, if not all women.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#495
post #458

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Don't you think the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit is going to have a bit of a selection bias towards describing men who are assholes? You seem to be using AITA as evidence that some huge percentage of women want to date/marry asshole/abusive men. It does not provide evidence of that. You and the article you linked are suggesting a correlation between being an abusive/asshole man and having a large number of women want…

And you conclude that this is incorrect and garbage on the grounds of what, exactly? I'm more inclined to believe the licensed psychiatrist over a random internet commenter.

That guy is not just some random licensed psychiatrist, and I have a hard time taking seriously anybody who tries to pretend he is.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#496
post #458

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Don't you think the "Am I The Asshole" subreddit is going to have a bit of a selection bias towards describing men who are assholes? You seem to be using AITA as evidence that some huge percentage of women want to date/marry asshole/abusive men. It does not provide evidence of that. You and the article you linked are suggesting a correlation between being an abusive/asshole man and having a large number of women want…

And you conclude that this is incorrect and garbage on the grounds of what, exactly? I'm more inclined to believe the licensed psychiatrist over a random internet commenter.

To spare the HN community from this whole discussion, feel free to find my contact info in my profile. We can have a respectful debate over email if you want.

I will just end by saying, you are the one making claims which require evidence to back them up. Especially on a site like HN, it is a good idea to provide evidence for broad, sweeping claims. Or else dial those claims back.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#497

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>Our societies also grew a lot with the help of slavery and child labor I'm not advocating for slavery or child labor. I'm advocating for prioritizing healthy pair bonding and acknowledging that this is more likely to happen earlier in life. The "population crisis" in Japan and other countries in the West is self inflicted. We actively promote decisions that do not lead to healthy families for the majority of people.…

I wasn't implying you were advocating for that, I agree with you, I was just pointing out that justifying your position by appealing to tradition is not helpful in convincing others (though it is great for virtue signaling). On the Japan note, I actually did an internship in Japan over the summer a few years back and the work-life balance I saw there was actually depressing. Lots has been written about Japanese work…

Humans emulate what they perceive to be successful as a survival mechanism.

The overwhelming majority of people do not differentiate video entertainment from reality in this regard. They "know" video entertainment is fiction, but subconsciously they still strive to attain what is presented to them as successful within video media. Every marketing person knows this, but it's far more insidious than convincing you to buy a salad spinner with free shipping.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#498
post #328
post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Many boys spend nearly their entire first 18 years of their lives stewing in an extremely toxic media/community/family ecosystem where sexual virility and your ability to have sex with women is _directly_ correlated with status and success in life. Similarly, your in-abililty to attract members of the opposite sex is _directly_ correlated with your status as a loser and station in life.

Why do humans have to seek status? Wouldn't we all be happier and healthier if we stopped caring about where we are in the social pecking order?

Short answer: because we're genetically programmed to care about it. And no amount of reasoning or handwaving or logical thought will change what the genes encode.

Sensitivity to status exists in all primates - not just humans. It's one of the most basic instincts of an animal.

We are just vessels for the reproduction of our genetic code (although we believe in our own free will). Status is directly linked to the probability of the genes reproducing, ergo short of some weird chemical drugs, we will never be able to ignore it.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#499
post #441

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I largely agree. My point was not to criticize non-monogamy per se or to suggest that it should be completely avoided. To wit: the human experience is infinitely varied and consenting adults should be free to address the special circumstances of their own lives in whichever way works for them. However, non-monogamy isn't a reasonable solution to the epidemic of sexual loneliness characterized in the article. With res…

I concur, and I find the quasi-economic formulation of the problem somewhat repellent; I think it tends to inhibit the kind of thinking that's needed to form meaningful and intimate connections with other people.

> I find the quasi-economic formulation of the problem somewhat repellent

Totally agreed. I'd even go so far as to assert that, for people who use this language and are sexually lonely, the very best thing they can do to end that loneliness is to stop thinking of other people as economic goods.

Most people crave intimacy and are repelled by objectification.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#500

I'll chime in as somebody who's been considered top 10% of attractiveness in one country and bottom 50% in another - the difference in the amount of sexual opportunities on apps is absolutely staggering. Not that this should be a surprise to anyone. Where I am considered attractive, I've gotten 80+ matches in one day and random women messaging me at 11PM telling me they're lonely and to come hang out. I've had more f…

Dating Apps are notorious for this type of gamification. Tinder will literally give your account a huge visibility bump for the first two weeks, after that, it's removed. Of course Tinder would be more than happy to help, if you're willing to pay them to boost your profile again. I've found it mostly happens to my male friends, but I've heard it happening to women as well (mostly of the lesbian / polyam variety)
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