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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#301

Post by Shocka1 »

xyzelement wrote: post #202
tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

Apologies if this is in the category of unsolicited advice. I noticed that you had a submission describing a similar problem set in the work setting, so I am seeing a theme. It sounds like you are in a lonely place and are hoping for something better. There's no magic to it but I can recommend some things that work very well for me. First, do you have a curiosity about people? The folks you're working with, or folks…

Solid "unsolicited" (odd thing to say) advice here, especially in the third paragraph. Another description for this I think is simply being genuine. Being genuinely interested in other people's lives, their families, and the stuff they like to do goes a long way and will tear the layers off people. In my experience, learning this combined with listening will have you quite possibly wanting less friends.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#302

Post by ekanes »

bgroat wrote: post #112
rchaud wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

I can't say that you're wrong, because everyone's environment/experience is different. But this is so outside my perception of the world and that of everyone I've ever spoken to (across a swatch of demographics across North America and Europe). Friendship groups narrow because it isn't EASY anymore (you're not all on campus). Nobody actually desires for them to narrow. If you can make it *easy* for the other person (…

No disrespect, but I’m guessing you’re not married with kids. That phase is very busy and focused and people have dramatically less time compared to uni days.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#303

Post by PuppyTailWags »

shepherdjerred wrote: post #299
PuppyTailWags wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder if we can learn something from homosexual people in this. I don't often see gay guys cutting off their straight friendships because they're one-sidedly attracted for example in the same way straight men swear off any woman.

I think the crux there is that there isn't the potential mutual attraction. For me, it would be much harder to develop feelings if I knew that there couldn't be attraction. For a straight man it is probably just as easy being friends with a gay woman as it is a straight man, because in both cases there won't be mutual attraction. Conversely as a gay male it would be easy being friends with straight women or straight…

Well that's the thing, I don't generally see lesbians claiming they can have no lesbian friends, or gay people claiming they can have no gay friends, either. They seem to be able to be more emotionally mature about managing their attraction such that they don't need to cut themselves off from their attracted gender like some kind of addict.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#304

Post by shepherdjerred »

PuppyTailWags wrote: post #303
shepherdjerred wrote: post #299

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the crux there is that there isn't the potential mutual attraction. For me, it would be much harder to develop feelings if I knew that there couldn't be attraction. For a straight man it is probably just as easy being friends with a gay woman as it is a straight man, because in both cases there won't be mutual attraction. Conversely as a gay male it would be easy being friends with straight women or straight…

Well that's the thing, I don't generally see lesbians claiming they can have no lesbian friends, or gay people claiming they can have no gay friends, either. They seem to be able to be more emotionally mature about managing their attraction such that they don't need to cut themselves off from their attracted gender like some kind of addict.

That's something I didn't consider. I don't have many gay friends so I really don't have much context or understanding there.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#305

Post by leobg »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

Our neighbor is in his 70s. No kids, no wife, no family. Spends his time watching crypto videos on YouTube and gardening in summer. He is polite and helpful, but we try to avoid getting into conversations with him because those end up becoming monologues of him telling us about the apocalypse.

Living alone today is easy. It’s also comfortable, because you save yourself all the drama and overhead of having to deal with another irrational human being. It’s also easy to feel superior for living this way, telling yourself that you are rejecting a sick society. The thing is, with nobody knowing you intimately and giving you feedback, you can end up being totally delusional and not ever realize it.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#306

Post by leobg »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

Also, an unsolicited book recommendation: Hesse, Steppenwolf. You may recognize yourself in it. I did.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#307

Post by krageon »

bgroat wrote: post #281
krageon wrote: post #274

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it This is true, but only if you're attractive and somewhat charismatic. I would say that means it doesn't apply to the majority of people (who are plain or ugly and not particularly charismatic or actively repulsive).

I'd say it's true if you're aren't unattractive (basically nail personal grooming), and are somewhat interested in someone else.

That is already far above most people, so I think I agree :)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#308

Post by leobg »

deltaseventhree wrote: post #233
TheOtherHobbes wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There is no shortage of people hoping and dreaming about relationships. The number of people willing to move out of their comfort zone to make a good relationship possible - of any type - is much smaller.

Hook up culture is made up of lots of woman and a few men. The women are desperately searching for a relationship. The few men involved with hook up culture have too many options are unwilling to commit due to overwhelming supply. There are two reasons for why it's like this. The first reason is dating apps. Dating apps make it very easy for women to be even more selective then they already are. The second reason is…

You forget that this cuts both ways. Men, too, no longer need a wife. No need to cook. No need to mend clothes. No need for heirs. So little patience for compromise. And focus on superficialities and short term benefits rather than team building.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#309

Post by gytdev »

I can relate to the author. When I was ~28yo, I used to do similar things and experimenting socially. The best way to get to know guys is by doing shared activities - basketball, hikes, going to sauna, gym. But it only makes acquaintances. The vulnerability and honesty part can only be achieved 1-on-1 and some people don't like those talks. But it really makes true friends. It can cut through the polite-social-minimizing-risk-bullshit-talk like a knife. It's really hard to have very close friends and having at least one is a true blessing... I never had the fortune of meeting great female friends though. Even though I like talking to them and doing activities that involve many females (dancing salsa, bachata, kizomba).
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