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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#231

Post by ArekDymalski »

xxEightyxx wrote: post #229

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade. I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS…

> there's nothing I have to offer another person in a relationship.

I think that the most valuable (and appreciated) thing you have to offer are your atttentive ears and your time. That's what many people are looking for in a true, deep friendship.

The real frienship isn't about super-intresting hobbies or flashy personality but really basic things like listening each other, supporting i small or large difficulties etc.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#232

Post by aeturnum »

ordu wrote: post #199
aeturnum wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't know if I quite said it before - but I don't think a relationship just "succeeds" or "fails." A good relationship occupies the "right" amount of space in each person's life for that pair of people and also is, for each person, part of a larger healthier whole. There are many variables in this balancing act and we are all getting it at least a little 'wrong' all of the time. Generally, you can make any relatio…

> Sometimes relationships just don't work for either person, despite everyone's best efforts. This "sometimes" works for me every single time. I'm 40+ and never had any friends. > Sometimes you can find an unexpected new relationship that's less than 'friendship' but still valuable and compelling. I never experienced this as like. All my relationships end when we stop meeting each other at work. > If you think about…

I'm really sorry to hear about how hard a time you've had forming friendships. I think you're right that I'm talking about how to invest energy and focus once you've found something that's stable and natural on some level.

I do think the article presents a lot of sensible and well-framed approaches. They talks sensibly and systematically about systemic concerns around friendship. I hope you find companionship.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#233

Post by deltaseventhree »

TheOtherHobbes wrote: post #141
standardUser wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me." That's media bullshit that people really like to believe. There is no shortage of people looking for relationships.

There is no shortage of people hoping and dreaming about relationships. The number of people willing to move out of their comfort zone to make a good relationship possible - of any type - is much smaller.

Hook up culture is made up of lots of woman and a few men.

The women are desperately searching for a relationship. The few men involved with hook up culture have too many options are unwilling to commit due to overwhelming supply.

There are two reasons for why it's like this. The first reason is dating apps. Dating apps make it very easy for women to be even more selective then they already are.

The second reason is technology. The rise of technology including tampons and birth control has allowed women to fight for additional rights and come onto equal standing with men. For most of human history women depended on men for financial well being and survival in general. This is no longer the case.

Thus when being in a LT relationship isn't a survival requirement, women upgrade their selectivity.

The experience for the majority of men really just ends up being a lack of matches. The experience for women is a lack of men willing to commit. And for a few men (you most likely) hooking up is just "comfortable."

I'm not making this up. There is very real data about this.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#234

Post by catmanjan »

xxEightyxx wrote: post #229

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade. I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS…

[flagged]

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#235

Post by g4e2t »

xxEightyxx wrote: post #229

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade. I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS…

Make two lists. One, an activities list. Every time you hear something fun to do, put it on the list. Eventually, after a couple years, you'll have nearly everything. If it's on the cheap side it's a good sign, although expensive things can be fun too.

The second list, is a content consumption list. Basically, building a twitter, but without the timeline. Write down categories you like, and people you like, and get a YouTube subscription so you don't have to have adds. After around 2 years, you should be rarely adding people & content to the list.

My advice: have a separate categories for movies to watch & tv shows to watch & only do so with friends & loved ones. Never watch tv or movies by yourself, would be my advice.

I understand loneliness. It can be a sad journey.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#236

Post by wolverine876 »

> One of the greatest sources of joy in my life are my close friends. People who bring excitement and novelty into my life. Who expose me to new experiences, and ways of seeing the world. Who help me learn, point out my blind spots, and correct me when I am wrong. Who I can lean on when I need support, and who lean on me in turn. Friends who help me grow more into the kind of person I want to be.

This depicts people who provide functions for the author - entertainment, mentoring, advice - not people who share mutual love. Friends can and do provide some functions, but that's not necessary, sufficient, or the point. Love can be and is transformational, but that's not the point.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#237

Post by hermitcrab »

xxEightyxx wrote: post #229

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade. I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS…

Sorry to hear that. Recommend you try an activity that involves physical activity and other people. Kayaking, capoeira, rock climbing, whatever feels interesting to you.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#238

Post by aaron695 »

standardUser wrote: post #96
tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

"Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me." That's media bullshit that people really like to believe. There is no shortage of people looking for relationships.

No post body was provided.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#239

Post by hoseja »

jdkee wrote: post #180

"What's fascinating is why that disconnect happens. Since the 1950s, sociologists have identified three factors that need to be in place for friendships to take hold. They are: • Proximity: You're around each other regularly. • Unplanned interactions: You see each other even without putting an appointment on a calendar. • Privacy: You're in a space where you can exchange confidences." See https://www.businessinsider.…

Each one of these has been destroyed haha. Surely nothing bad will come of this haha.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#240

Post by sva_ »

g4e2t wrote: post #235
xxEightyxx wrote: post #229

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade. I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS…

Make two lists. One, an activities list. Every time you hear something fun to do, put it on the list. Eventually, after a couple years, you'll have nearly everything. If it's on the cheap side it's a good sign, although expensive things can be fun too. The second list, is a content consumption list. Basically, building a twitter, but without the timeline. Write down categories you like, and people you like, and get a…

> and get a YouTube subscription so you don't have to have adds

Nice try, Susan.

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