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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#221

Post by esparrohack »

nier wrote: post #69
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

NPC as in non-playable character? One of the first search results reads: «[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»

We’re all NPCs for the ruling classes. That’s the big irony. It’s Elon’s simulation and we’re just living in it.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#222

Post by bittercynic »

xyzelement wrote: post #214
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> This is a very weird way to think about it. Got it in one. I’m pretty weird. I assume that my friends, acquaintances, and others, are also weird, as I read about that, in some book (can’t remember which one). It was one of those “Things that make you go ‘hmmm…’.” things. But if it makes you feel better to call me “weird,” knock yourself out.

I didn't mean that you are weird (though sounds like you are and that's great, me too) More like - well, as I wrote in the comment - I found that perspective on relationships to be kinda missing the point for reasons I described.

Maybe I'm just weird in the same way as GP on this, but I think power imbalances are important to be aware of in friendships, and it's tricky to be friends with someone who's far above or below in a hierarchy that is a very important part of your life.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#223

Post by GeorgeDewar »

dragonsky67 wrote: post #157
viburnum wrote: post #82

This is way too complicated. All you have do is show up to the same place regularly to places where other people also show up regularly. School, work, dog park, gym, etc.

I think so. Seems so many people want a "how to" on every aspect of their lives. Friendship should not be something you try to design or have a strategy for, I can think of nothing that would drive me away faster. Friendship happens, if through shared experience, interest or just chance. True friendship doesn't happen because you woke up one morning and "Make a Friend" was at the top of your todo list for the day.

I think for many, perhaps even most people, you're right and friendship happens organically without deliberate intent.

Some people just do not work this way - maybe it's being somewhere on the autism spectrum, but whatever the cause, some people need to take a more methodical approach to do this.

I think what this blog post shows is that such an approach really can result in true friendships.

It's a bit like online dating I suppose. That idea is abhorrent to some (or used to be - the stigma has reduced considerably over time), but when it works, there's nothing preventing the resulting relationship from being as genuine as one that started any other way.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#224

Post by twelve40 »

TylerE wrote: post #216
twelve40 wrote: post #206

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this actually sounds to me in agreement 1. yes, the priorities might be skewed 2. you just demonstrated that even Bezos is definitely not free from obligations and time commitments, such as his marriage, running a huge company, etc. The fact that he can afford to do anything in the world money-wise does not relieve even him from having to make "free time" to spend on family or else it will fail, etc. So, totally a ma…

What he’s saying is that money can buy time. Like, imagine having a personal shopper who buys you stylish, perfectly fitting new clothes regularly, that just show up in your closet like magic.

Maybe. I happened to be in Thailand right now hanging out with expats. It's not really my cup of tea, but many of them hang out at the beach all day every day for months and even years, and pay next to nothing. They have no personal shoppers or money concerns, and infinite amounts of "free time". I couldn't live like that and I choose to invest such "free time" into work (currently) and I'm fine with that. But if you want to optimize specifically for free time, this is certainly doable without being Bezos, some people here worked washing dishes in the US.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#225

Post by xyzelement »

bittercynic wrote: post #222
xyzelement wrote: post #214

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't mean that you are weird (though sounds like you are and that's great, me too) More like - well, as I wrote in the comment - I found that perspective on relationships to be kinda missing the point for reasons I described.

Maybe I'm just weird in the same way as GP on this, but I think power imbalances are important to be aware of in friendships, and it's tricky to be friends with someone who's far above or below in a hierarchy that is a very important part of your life.

I agree with that. I don't agree with GP's assertion that "most" relationships suffer from this.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#226

Post by wodenokoto »

How old is the author? Going in I thought this was about how to form close friends into adulthood (like 30s and 40s)

But after reading I’m thinking maybe this guy is still in college.

I think the cards for forming deep friendships are way better stacked in early 20s college than say, a work from home mid 30s professional.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#227

Post by spyckie2 »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

Some people are too, too risk averse. They subconsciously avoid, not just pain, but the possibility of discomfort. It's not just one or two actions - it's their filter that they see the world through.

Pain avoidance is often disguised as disinterest, but really it's just a cost function to minimize the possibility of feeling embarrassment, awkwardness, discomfort, heated discussion, or emotional distress. Sometimes this is personality related; other times, this is a result of an aggressive, hurtful, or manipulative upbringing.

I have a friend like this and he is very hard to be friends with. He hit this point where he was stuck in an unhappy life situation (have few good friends, can't find love, etc) but vehemently opposed anything slightly uncomfortable that will move him from his unhappy cage.

What's happening subconsciously is a deep seated trauma/fear freezing him in place. For my friend, he was bullied as a kid, and his parents also were emotionally angry and abusive. He grew up with the fear that out of nowhere, a seemingly trivial sentence or action could send him into a world of confusion and hurt.

Today, meeting new people and sharing emotions is a giant minefield to him. But most people just see him as stubborn, whiny, hard to socialize with and doesn't listen to advice.

But it's hard to be his friend not because of his awkward socials but because he complains about his distress so much but doesn't do anything about it... for years. As someone who wants to solve problems and make progress, it is very frustrating to see him move so slowly.

He is very, very slow to go out from his comfort zone, even just a little bit.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#228

Post by balaji1 »

lordnacho wrote: post #39

Great article, though it does give a sort of programmy-algorithmic answer to one of life's great questions. Not saying that's bad, just unexpected. I was actually thinking about it today. Here's an awkward truth about friendships that everyone needs to get comfortable with: often one of you is more interested in the relationship than the other. You know what I mean. For instance, I was invited to a wedding a few week…

"Traditions are solutions for which we have forgotten the problems" - I think this quote fits to so many more situations as I get older. Relationships (w/ friends and family) are easily strengthened by traditions.

Traditions are very algorithmic. Traditions sometimes force us to connect/meet people and resolve conflicts if you follow the "rules". Traditions can be hard to follow (as in overcoming some inertia or discomfort).

PS: Don't have to think of just cultural traditions. A gang of college friends can have their own silly but decades long traditions and inside-jokes.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#229

Post by xxEightyxx »

Making friends is easy, keeping friends and growing the relationships are difficult. I am mostly introverted but have periods of extreme extroversion. I'm 34 but all of my best friends have passed away from various accidents over the past decade.

I feel like a shell of my former self where all I do or have a desire to do is work. The only person I consider my friend is my former boss who, after losing his wife to ALS, I did everything I could to be there and support him because he took a chance on me by offering me a job that ultimately has led to a great career in the tech field.

I've noticed my personality has slipped away, I no longer have hobbies or anything of real passion in my life anymore and thus there's nothing I have to offer another person in a relationship.

It's incredibly lonely and a poor place to be yet I really don't know how to escape it. Most other dudes my age have families or many of them only care to go out to breweries which I don't enjoy.

There's still a bit of hope deep down that all isn't over yet and a ray of sunshine can still propagate itself somewhere, sometime.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#230

Post by harry-wood »

ianbutler wrote: post #9

I’ve only really intentionally made a close friend one time. However, my longest closest friend was not that way. Him and I bonded pretty much immediately after getting into a fist fight on a high school wrestling mat during practice and our coach had to separate us. Now he’s been there through most of my achievements and I his. Good guy, doing a PhD in chemical engineering at Case Western now.

yes. I see what you're saying.

heads out into the street to start a fist fight

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