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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#181

Post by batiudrami »

viburnum wrote: post #82

This is way too complicated. All you have do is show up to the same place regularly to places where other people also show up regularly. School, work, dog park, gym, etc.

Showing up definitely helps but in my experience the transition from acquaintance to friend comes through a bonding moment where there was an emotional connection - either struggling through or achieving something together or vulnerability from one or both of you.

There are a lot of bad things about drugs and alcohol but one of the reasons I like them is they tend to enable/accelerate these moments.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#182

Post by TylerE »

VBprogrammer wrote: post #177
TylerE wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ecuador has no-cost public healthcare. The US does't. Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you.

I'm not sure this has the effect you are suggesting but it did make me laugh. Makes you wonder who decides what is a first world country and what is a third world country. In some ways the existence of a significant portion of American's (those unfortunate enough to be poor) is worse than a third world existence.

It’s actually quite clear cut.

1st world: NATO and allies 2nd world: The Soviet Sphere 3rd world: Everything else.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#183

Post by bgroat »

roofone wrote: post #172
bgroat wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

And that's kind of my point. The little bit you know about me from this thread... would you want to grab a beer if all you had to do was read the text and confirm you were available? These steps ARE scary for some people... and that's okay... I'm happy to do it. I just want to get to you know you!

That makes sense and I appreciate the reply. I'd probably choose not to grab a beer -- unless the social cost/effort in saying no was higher than saying yes. Quite likely I'd feel put upon with having to respond in a way that I thought didn't offend you...and all by pithy text messages. What a hassle! Totally get that's a me problem though and I'd fall into your 70%. Thanks for the insights though -- I find the conce…

In my mind this was was “best case engagement”

I told you what I’m about.

You told me your preferences.

They don’t mesh, so we both split after having spent a pleasant 90 seconds

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#184

Post by kelnos »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

> If you have to constantly take the social initiative, then you're carrying the relationship.

I don't think that's true, and the article does talk about this a bit. Relationships are never actually 50/50. If you're expecting that, you're gonna have a bad time.

But really, think about outcomes more than trivial details: if you are the one who always has to be the one to reach out, but you end up having a good time when you talk or meet up with the person, then isn't that still a good outcome?

But ultimately everyone gets to make their own choice, of course. Would you rather have no friends or family, or would you rather have to put in more effort than the other person at some aspects of maintaining a friendship/relationship? Ideally it shouldn't be this stark dichotomy, but if it is, you gotta make your choice.

(Also, "no unsolicited advice please" is a weird thing to say when you're posting about a personal situation on a public forum. If you don't want to take this as advice, then take this as disagreement with what you're saying, and my expression of frustration that your choice seems to be "be alone and sad" when the alternative is "put in a little more effort than the other person".)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#185

Post by kelnos »

aeturnum wrote: post #51

IMO this is the #1 takeaway: > I was trapped in a ‘normal’ mode of conversation - making small talk, being inoffensive, feeling aversion to being weird, respecting where I thought other people’s boundaries were. If you want something else, you gotta let others know somehow! Everyone's life is different and has differently shaped spaces for relationships, interaction, etc. It's very common for people to be open to gro…

> Calling "Growing closer" a skill

My take on it that the skill isn't the act of growing closer itself, but the actions you can take to elevate conversation above small talk and see if there could be greater compatibility there for a closer relationship. And that latter part is maybe a big part of the skill: I agree that just having a deep/vulnerable conversation isn't going to give you a close friendship, but I think that's a necessary step on the path. Determining whether or not -- from those deeper conversations -- whether or not a deeper friendship is going to develop is also a skill worth mastering.

(Maybe the author did actually mean what you thought, in which case I agree with you... and so I like my explanation better.)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#186

Post by sitkack »

bgroat wrote: post #114
krumpet wrote: post #104

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think this is highly dependent on luck. If you're friendly and happen to live near other, outgoing, friendly families, then the odds of befriending them are higher. It also helps to have a friendly spouse (it helps a LOT).

Luck is an interesting element. My best friend for 20 years (we've since fallen out of touch), was someone I met in kindergarten? How did we become friends? My surname starts with a "G" and his starts with an "H" so we were seated next to each other

I met someone at Strangeloop because they were a doppelganger of an acquaintance from some years previously. I now realize that I had this attitude like we already friends because of that unrealized similarity. Attitude and any alignment in interests is more than enough, or alphabetical. :)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#187

Post by [deleted] »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

[deleted]

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#188

Post by NoPicklez »

lisper wrote: post #23
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.

Well nothing worth doing is easy

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#189

Post by kelnos »

l33tbro wrote: post #95

This is kind of sad. It just feels like OP has built this enormous apparatus over some emotional void they've picked up in their development. Making friends just isn't that hard for the vast majority of people. If you're having to use reverse engineering and problem solving to form emotional connections, then you might want to spend the time in therapy and working through what caused you to be emotionally stunted.

> Making friends just isn't that hard for the vast majority of people.

Is that actually true? Things I've read seem to suggest that, at least for men, forming close friendships is hard, especially as we get older.

I'm feeling it, too. I'm 41, and with the exception of my partner, I don't think I've made a close friend in nearly a decade.

(Also, note that this is talking about close friendships, not just people to hang out with.)

But really, this "apparatus" seems to work for this person, and he seems to be happy with the results, so who are we to criticize? If others who also have trouble making friends can find this useful, all the better. If not, that's fine too.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#190

Post by kelnos »

l33tbro wrote: post #123
ptato wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're making a lot of assumptions. Sometimes a blog post just isn't meant for you.

I'm not sure how I'm making an assumption. They admit they were unable to form emotional connections prior to this convoluted methodology they've developed.

Convoluted? There are a lot of words in that post, but most of it is about the author's personal journey.

The methodology boils down to:

1. Push past mundane small talk and ask deeper questions. Follow up with more questions.

2. Be willing and able to open up when asked questions (or even when not asked, as a follow-on to what the other person is saying).

3. Don't be afraid to be the one to reach out to try to set up more meetings.

4. Put yourself in situations where you are likely to interact with people, especially situations where those people are likely to have similar interests.

Doesn't seem that convoluted to me.

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