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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#121

Post by bgroat »

denton-scratch wrote: post #38
bgroat wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

> Good friend is not, "Will donate a kidney" I have a rather tighter notion of a "good friend". It includes things like "will not steal from me", "won't betray my confidences", "will be straight with me". Otherwise they're just mates; people I feel OK hanging out with. I have no good friends just now, and I haven't had good friends for quite a few years. I don't think my standards are exacting; I have mates, but I ju…

I'd be willing to except that my definition of "friends" aligns with your definition of "mates".

Nothing too emotionally intense. Just a loneliness balm and reliable cool hangs

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#122

Post by emj »

acbullen wrote: post #83
rjbwork wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm…

I feel similar, but mostly from leftover baggage from working retail. If someone says something nice to you when you're working a cash register, 9 times out of 10 they want you to do something for them and you're about 10 seconds away from them flipping over to a verbal abuse strategy to get what they want

Makes me even more convinced that I should go out of my way being nice to people working retail it. I do not think I ever get anything "out of it" except feeling a bit more positive in my outlook on life. Then at the local store we have the extremes where people call the cashiers by name, sharing personal stories etc. That makes me feel like I am part of a community, even if it is not a type of relationship I can nourish in the same way..

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#123

Post by l33tbro »

ptato wrote: post #111
l33tbro wrote: post #95

This is kind of sad. It just feels like OP has built this enormous apparatus over some emotional void they've picked up in their development. Making friends just isn't that hard for the vast majority of people. If you're having to use reverse engineering and problem solving to form emotional connections, then you might want to spend the time in therapy and working through what caused you to be emotionally stunted.

You're making a lot of assumptions. Sometimes a blog post just isn't meant for you.

I'm not sure how I'm making an assumption. They admit they were unable to form emotional connections prior to this convoluted methodology they've developed.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#124

Post by afr0ck »

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

It breaks my heart to see Western people living such lives. I love the West for so many reasons, but the social construction is a complete broken mess. Family and community is completely destroyed. People live and work only for themselves. The amount of loneliness and isolation is just mind blowing and unbearable. IMO, it's a selfish lifestyle. People who manage to make great success (due to a combination of lack, intelligence, hard work and sometimes just beauty) can live very good lives but the rest are doomed to live miserable, lonely lives and no gives a shit about them until they die. Very sad. I wish you happiness and fulfillment (whatever they are for you).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#125

Post by SoftTalker »

erdos4d wrote: post #77

This guy should move to scandinavia, he'd learn that conversation is cheap. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to a scandie for literally hours just to have it come to nothing. No new friend, not really even an acquaintance, it was all just talk and meant nothing at all.

Scandinavians are very friendly and pleasant people on the surface, but it's hard to penetrate that surface into deeper friendship. To really get into someone's inner circle of close friends you pretty much have to have grown up with them or known them for years.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#126

Post by photochemsyn »

Perhaps I'm an outlier, but having to sit around making small talk and sharing personal life experiences with a like-minded cohort is literally a nightmare scenario for me. On the other hand, I love working with people on collaborative effort-intensive projects, working toward shared goals and so on (but I don't have much interest in getting involved in their personal or family lives afterwards). Also, I may be unusual in that I don't suffer from loneliness, there's always something interesting to get involved in or work on. Is this a very uncommon type, I wonder?

Additionally, financial restrictions on activities are a reality for many people these days, ruling out a large number of extracurricular activities that would be fun and interesting to share with others. When one's economic future is on the line, things like friendships become luxuries that might have to fall by the wayside, as people have to move in search of employment, and budgets get tighter. People in a college environment are often not under such immediate pressures.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#127

Post by SoftTalker »

Barrin92 wrote: post #15
altdataseller wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of the suggestions you offer don't really increase the chances of making close friends. Like being an open source maintainer - how is that really going to lead to close friends? Or starting a business - sure you might network more, and meet business partners, but do they really become close friends? I will say that going to a church regularly was the #1 thing that really led to lots of friends for me. Like insta…

I'm not talking about 'networking' which is a grift in the same category as all the other artificial crap, I'm talking about sitting in the same awful office, fixing bugs till midnight, eating crappy pizza and putting your blood and sweat into something that's meaningful to you. You do that with people for several years, they're not just friends but pretty much family. And being involved in an OSS community around a…

> sitting in the same awful office, fixing bugs till midnight, eating crappy pizza and putting your blood and sweat into something that's meaningful to you.

Sure, I've done that. And yes it creates a connection of sorts, I got to know my co-workers pretty well at least in that context. It's a social situation. Demented and sad, but social.

But did it ever lead to meeting up to do anything outside of work? Not once. Did I keep up with any of those people after job changes? Not even for a day.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#128

Post by pessimizer »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

Your Friends Have More Friends Than You

https://scribe.citizen4.eu/your-friends-have-more-friends-th...

Math makes this part of the human condition. I honestly think that the solution for the shy (like you and I) is to value the relationships that these extroverts offer. At least a couple of the extroverts will think you're wonderful, and the other people that they will accidentally bring into your life through their gregariousness will cover the range from extreme introvert to extreme extrovert and everything in between. You will be meeting those introverts through a person who they trust, which is your best opportunity for successfully connecting with other shy people.

The only caveats are that you can't focus on one extrovert; get to know more than one, they're happy to talk. Focusing your explorations on one extrovert puts too much burden on the extrovert, and they want to share their time with a lot of people. The second caveat is to not let the extrovert take advantage of you, because a lot of extroverts are con-men/sales-types.

edit: 97% of the good friends I have had in my adult life were the result of a single extrovert talking to me out of the blue in my high school cafeteria. Through her, I met my first real girlfriend, and met two of the members of the band I'd end up singing in and touring with in my 20s. Still friends 30 years later, so I guess she liked me.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#129

Post by ChuckNorris89 »

bgroat wrote: post #112
rchaud wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

I can't say that you're wrong, because everyone's environment/experience is different. But this is so outside my perception of the world and that of everyone I've ever spoken to (across a swatch of demographics across North America and Europe). Friendship groups narrow because it isn't EASY anymore (you're not all on campus). Nobody actually desires for them to narrow. If you can make it *easy* for the other person (…

>If you can make it easy* for the other person (by handling the approach, scheduling, etc). They'll be as willing as in uni days*

That's definitely not true, or at least not my experience. Everyone I ask out to join me for various activities, has an excuse, usually busy or other plans with someone else, and they never follow up for a rain check.

People over 30, even single/child-free, seem to be very busy with their established routines, hobbies, and narrow circle of long term friends, that they just aren't open to new people anymore or at least making time for them, no matter how cool or sociable you are.

Seems like time is the main cuprit, or lack thereof. If you already have things to do and enough friends that occupy all your free time, or barley have enough time to meet the friends you already have, then when are you gonna meet new people?

Making friends is a two way street. You could be the coolest, funniest, most sociable guy ever, but if everyone you meet already had enough friends or feels they don't need you in their life then ....

The only shot to make this easy for you is meeting other loners.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#130

Post by proc0 »

> A key mindset I use when forming connections via conversation is: “If we aren’t both excited about this conversation, do something differently”

This is my problem. Friendship seems to be a series of entertaining experiences. People seem to value others based on their entertainment value, but then when discussed it's always about some other warm, fuzzy feeling. The best friendships seem to happen as a kid, when you hold no judgements, and also outside forces out of your control decide who you are exposed to (i.e. where you go to school). As an adult, the judgement list is way too long for people to commit their time any longer than a short conversation. It's no longer about being yourself, being accepted, and going with flow. Instead friendship as an adult is a chore, with responsibilities and expectations, which unlike a job are all implicit and hard to navigate.

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