Intentionally making close friends • Hacker News Board

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#141

Post by TheOtherHobbes » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 9:52 PM UTC

standardUser wrote: post #96

tinglymintyfrsh wrote: post #89

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please. I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere. If you have to constantl…

"Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me." That's media bullshit that people really like to believe. There is no shortage of people looking for relationships.

There is no shortage of people hoping and dreaming about relationships.

The number of people willing to move out of their comfort zone to make a good relationship possible - of any type - is much smaller.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#142

Post by TheOtherHobbes » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 9:56 PM UTC

standardUser wrote: post #132

photochemsyn wrote: post #126

Perhaps I'm an outlier, but having to sit around making small talk and sharing personal life experiences with a like-minded cohort is literally a nightmare scenario for me. On the other hand, I love working with people on collaborative effort-intensive projects, working toward shared goals and so on (but I don't have much interest in getting involved in their personal or family lives afterwards). Also, I may be unusu…

"making small talk and sharing personal life experiences" It sounds odd to me to combine these concepts in the same sentence. Sharing personal life experiences is arguable a necessary part of building deep friendships, and it's often a vulnerable and intimate act. Small talk is none of that, if not the opposite.

But it is a prelude and a warm-up exercise.

No one - well, hardly anyone - jumps straight into deeply personal conversation with a stranger without it.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#143

Post by adamsmith143 » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 9:56 PM UTC

sys42590 wrote: post #62

adamsmith143 wrote: post #14

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think the strategy of "Go do things with the same group of people repeatedly" is quite universal.

In some cultures and sub-cultures "opening up" is closely tied to the consumption of inappropriate levels of alcohol, while in others you can go without and still build a good connection to other people.

Both are encompassed in my comment.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#144

Post by TylerE » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:05 PM UTC

erdos4d wrote: post #68

moralestapia wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…

> You'll find drastically different results in other parts of the world (third-world, for instance). Plenty of people wouldn't talk to you if they see no financial benefit in doing it (even a measly amount can have a profound effect). I live in Ecuador, so third-world. The people here are not really after money, unless it's very easy to get. I mean, 30% of the "economy" here involves standing in the road with a mango…

Ecuador has no-cost public healthcare. The US does't. Not having money in the US will literally actively kill you.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#145

Post by vlunkr » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:10 PM UTC

throwaway_4ever wrote: post #131

gruez wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right word, wrong meaning. In the result you quoted, a person's intelligence is being compared to that of a NPC, implying that the person can't think for themselves and does whatever they're told like how NPCs in games act. The gp seems to imply a slightly different meaning, where a person is thought of as being not being a real person, and is only someone you go to for transactional work related stuff.

Whichever meaning, NPC is a recent insidious method of dehumanizing people that ranks right up there with labels like "pigs," "rats," and "cockroaches." This tactic is essentially a first prerequisite for mass violence. It's sure to increase incidences of mentally ill shooters viewing everyone around them as bots in a video game. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/26330024209169... https://www.npr.org/2011…

My first instinct was to say this seems like an overreaction to a joke, but this is a meme that originated from 4chan and the worst parts of reddit, so you might not be far off, given the track records for violence there.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#146

Post by rr888 » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:13 PM UTC

Location makes a big difference too. I've always lived in big cities in areas with lots of expats and transient people. Its very easy to make friends. In suburbs its tougher, especially in areas where people grew up still know neighbors from elementary school.

The other thing is I've always had room mates - its a lot cheaper and more social. I never really wanted to live by myself.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#147

Post by MetaMalone » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:20 PM UTC

standardUser wrote: post #105

MetaMalone wrote: post #21

Think we have been forgetting the necessity of relationships in a post-internet society. It can be a good thing to be intentional about relationships. The benefits don't only apply to introverts, it can also be important for extroverts to cut off harmful people from their lives and deepen connections with those they need most.

Plus one for intentional relationships. I've become much more careful about who I form bonds with as I've grown older, and I've left a handful of long-term friendships behind when I realize I didn't want those people in my life. I'm not an extrovert, but I do make friends easily and I learned the hard way that if you just make friends with everyone who comes your way, you'll end up with some bad friends.

Appreciate the note on making friends - I’m also not exactly an extrovert and I also make friends easily. I wish I would have known this sooner that it’s not as difficult to make lasting friendships as it may seem.

But it does take time.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#148

Post by thenerdhead » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:22 PM UTC

jrochkind1 wrote: post #86

thenerdhead wrote: post #56

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

Wait, you're saying you can't relate anymore because you don't have close friends anymore and don't want any? Or because you have close friends naturally so don't need to analyze how to do it? I am older than my 20s, and have moved jobs and cities a couple times, but I don't have a spouse or kids. I still have some close friends (including one or two i've had since my 20s and one or two i've met subsequently), but wo…

That I had close friends until I got older and had more responsibilities in life. That I relate with how to do it, but I don't have time to do it because it is not as important to me at this stage in my life.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#149

Post by tasuki » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:22 PM UTC

giantg2 wrote: post #120

rchaud wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

"This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years." I agree. At this point in life, I just want people to leave me alone. It seems like there isn't any time to make friends anyways.

No post body was provided.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#150

Post by Consultant32452 » Mon, Nov 28, 2022, 10:23 PM UTC

ChuckNorris89 wrote: post #129

bgroat wrote: post #112

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can't say that you're wrong, because everyone's environment/experience is different. But this is so outside my perception of the world and that of everyone I've ever spoken to (across a swatch of demographics across North America and Europe). Friendship groups narrow because it isn't EASY anymore (you're not all on campus). Nobody actually desires for them to narrow. If you can make it *easy* for the other person (…

>If you can make it easy* for the other person (by handling the approach, scheduling, etc). They'll be as willing as in uni days* That's definitely not true, or at least not my experience. Everyone I ask out to join me for various activities, has an excuse, usually busy or other plans with someone else, and they never follow up for a rain check. People over 30, even single/child-free, seem to be very busy with their…

In my experience, and everyone's is different, the key is to find a common activity/interest. I do consulting work, so I often change teams and walk in knowing no one. I've been complimented multiple times about noticeably increasing team cohesion. You know what I do? I start regular/consistent activities with the team. "Tuesday is my go out to lunch day, everyone is invited." I mean I literally just stand up in the middle of work and say that loud enough for surrounding people to hear. Sometimes I go alone, especially at first. But eventually people trickle in and then it doesn't take long before a group of 4-5 people are going to lunch every Tuesday. You can similarly start a regular happy hour if one is not already going on. People join who aren't even on my team, because they heard me invite everyone.

Outside of work, the path is to join a hobby. Find a softball league or something like that. This has built in consistent interaction and fosters expansion into happy hours after the games or other activities.

If there's anyone in your circle of acquaintances that has a birthday, tell them you'd really like to buy them a beer to celebrate their birthday. Ask open ended, "Hey, is there a day this week you're free? I owe you a birthday beer." Most adults no longer get real celebrations for their birthdays and will appreciate it if there's not some other social hurdle (actually busy, afraid you are trying to date them, etc). Some of those social hurdles (like afraid it's a date) can be overcome by suggesting it's a group thing. To use the work example again, "Hey team, it's Susan's birthday this week. I think it would be cool if we took her to lunch or something. Anyone else in?"

To put context on this, I am introverted and autistic (very low social needs). I do these behaviors explicitly for outcome oriented purposes (bring people joy, grow career).