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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#71

Post by crummy »

rchaud wrote: post #66
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

Isn't there supposed to be an epidemic of loneliness amongst many adults?

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#72

Post by actually_a_dog »

danenania wrote: post #53
lisper wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend. Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient…

The relocation point is interesting. I have a lot of friendships that are in 'good friend' territory when we're in the same place, but otherwise go dormant for long periods. I'm ok with this and generally don't feel a need to try to change this dynamic with people. I guess they aren't close friends in exactly the way that you're describing, but they are definitely a lot more than acquaintances. In a strange way I eve…

I think I'd count those "dormant but not dead" relationships as good friends, myself, provided that we end up seeing each other semi-regularly (say, minimum every couple years or so).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#73

Post by nonameiguess »

thenerdhead wrote: post #56

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

Nope. I had plenty of close friends through my mid-20s, but now at 42, after moving away to another state, I still believe we have enough accumulated trust and love that I'd give those people just about about anything, and feel comfortable sharing anything, and I'm reasonably sure they all feel the same way, but we haven't kept in regular contact. I'm not a phone conversation person and never have been, and quit all social media years ago to preserve my sanity. Regular visits aren't feasible because of the distance and the visits I can manage are ones in which I prioritize seeing my family over anyone else.

I don't have any serious complaints. I'm not lonely and people aren't super-important to me. I've got my wife and my cats and that's enough. I have no idea what I'd do today to make new friends that would ever be anywhere near what my old friends were. Those were people I saw day-in and day-out for years since we were in school together, we shared major life events and formative experiences that can't ever be repeated, and spent a level of time together that simply isn't feasible for so many reasons, from having a full-time job to having to prioritize time with my wife to no longer having the capacity and energy to go out and stay up late on any kind of regular basis.

Again, I have no complaints, but I don't see how it's realistic or possible in most cases to ever make friends as an adult that are as close as the friends you make and maintain throughout childhood and teenage years, other than a life partner or partners you actually live with.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#74

Post by Workaccount2 »

Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

> I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing so.

Sometime around 30 it hit me like a swinging log to my introverted face that the reason I felt that way was because that's how I felt when people reached out to me.

It really shook my perspective to realize that many people like having someone reaching out to them and they are not annoyed by it.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#75

Post by lisper »

danenania wrote: post #53
lisper wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend. Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient…

The relocation point is interesting. I have a lot of friendships that are in 'good friend' territory when we're in the same place, but otherwise go dormant for long periods. I'm ok with this and generally don't feel a need to try to change this dynamic with people. I guess they aren't close friends in exactly the way that you're describing, but they are definitely a lot more than acquaintances. In a strange way I eve…

> we can pick up where we left off after years of minimal contact

Sure, but you have to actually do that from time to time.

I've lost count of the number of people I thought I was really close with who moved away insisting that they would keep in touch, and then I never hear from them again, ever after reaching out.

(Having kids is another reliable "friendship"-killer.)

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#77

Post by erdos4d »

This guy should move to scandinavia, he'd learn that conversation is cheap. I can't tell you how many times I've spoken to a scandie for literally hours just to have it come to nothing. No new friend, not really even an acquaintance, it was all just talk and meant nothing at all.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#78

Post by stuxnet79 »

lisper wrote: post #23
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

Making friends is not hard in the way that general relativity is hard, it's hard in the way that digging a trench is hard. You have to do a lot of grunt work for a very long time in order to see results. And there are no shortcuts, you have to do it all "by hand" or it doesn't work.

To add to this, there is also no guarantee that all that trench digging will yield anything substantial. Relationships often evolve in ways that both parties least expect. It can be a dice roll whether the final outcome is good or bad.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#79

Post by profstasiak »

galaxyLogic wrote: post #33
timoth3y wrote: post #17

“If you go out looking for friends, they are scarce. If you go out to be a friend, you'll find them everywhere.” ― Zig Ziglar

And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make - Beatles

But in the end it doesn't even matter

- Linkin Park

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#80

Post by golemiprague »

rchaud wrote: post #66
bgroat wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am one of these friendly extroverts. Something that's hard for me to explain is that "making friends is so hard it's easy" What I mean by that is, social anxiety is so high, population-level self-absorption is so high, people are so lonely... that for the most part if you just approach someone and behave as if you're friends... they'll go for it. There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your s…

> There's so much DEMAND for friends, that people will gobble up your supply if you offer it (so long as you're not a total monster) This really doesn't ring true outside of school/university years. Back then, you are constantly meeting new people, and seeing them regularly in class and on campus. People that age don't have a "max occupancy" number when it comes to making friends. As an adult in the working world, th…

I don't know, I have made friends well into my adult life, including after having kids. Granted it is not in the same frequency as in the uni days but still during the years I have found some. Mostly people I have bumped into at work but were not directly above or below me or via other friends who introduced me to their friends. I am not an extrovert or too introvert and I don't know why it seems like everyone here must declare themselves as if they are in the extreme of this bell curve, probably they are somewhere in the middle, like the rest of us.
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