Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Intentionally making close friends

neelnanda.io

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

51–60 of 323 posts

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#51

Post by aeturnum »

IMO this is the #1 takeaway:

> I was trapped in a ‘normal’ mode of conversation - making small talk, being inoffensive, feeling aversion to being weird, respecting where I thought other people’s boundaries were.

If you want something else, you gotta let others know somehow! Everyone's life is different and has differently shaped spaces for relationships, interaction, etc. It's very common for people to be open to growing closer to some of their social circle, but be unsure about who to focus on. It can be you if you simply indicate you are also interested!

On the other hand, I think this is more wrong than right:

> A point I’ve made throughout is that this is a skill.

Calling "Growing closer" a skill suggests it is a craft that 'you should' practice - but it's not. Growing closer requires work and attention and you will get better at it over time - but to think of it as a skill "you are doing" instead of a mutual process that advances only at the shared pace you are getting into manipulation. "Growing closer" is measured by the combined 'distance' by which you and the other person have adjusted your lives to be closer to one another.

Maybe OP means that having deep and vulnerable conversations is a skill - and THAT I would agree with, but it has nothing to do with growing closer! You can have deep conversations with strangers (in fact it's often easier to have them with strangers).

People who discover the power of intimacy in our atomized world risk accidentally leading others to believe they want a deeper relationship than they have the capacity to maintain.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#52

Post by Xeoncross »

AntoniusBlock wrote: post #25
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.

> I go out of my way to maintain the connection

It could also be that the OP possesses traits which are notable and desirable to the right people.

I've barely exchanged a few sentences with someone before and they immediately stick out to me; not because they are attractive physically, but I notice something about their character that is desirable or rare.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#53

Post by danenania »

lisper wrote: post #36
bgroat wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with your distinction, but not with your degree. It's *hard* v. *complex*, but it doesn't take as long as you'd think. - Approach - Chatting for an hour - 10 texts back and forth to coordinate a meet - Meet for 90 minutes (repeat the last two bullets 3-5 times) Is a pretty reliable path to "good friend". Good friend is defined as: "Will reliable hang with you, schedule permitting 60% of the time you ask... an…

We're quibbling over terminology. To me, a "good friend" is a relationship that lasts for a long time, maybe a lifetime, and survives significant challenges. It doesn't have to be a kidney, but I think a friendship should survive, for example, a relocation. Otherwise I would call it an acquaintance, not a friend. Acquaintances are indeed easy to make. The problem is, that kind of relationship is fragile and transient…

The relocation point is interesting. I have a lot of friendships that are in 'good friend' territory when we're in the same place, but otherwise go dormant for long periods. I'm ok with this and generally don't feel a need to try to change this dynamic with people. I guess they aren't close friends in exactly the way that you're describing, but they are definitely a lot more than acquaintances.

In a strange way I even feel that it can be a testament to the strength of the underlying friendship that we can pick up where we left off after years of minimal contact. I'm actually grateful for these kinds of relationships. I really don't have the time, energy, or desire to keep up ongoing text/email/social media conversations with all these people, but when we are able to meet up I have a great time and find it hugely valuable.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#54

Post by bee_rider »

AntoniusBlock wrote: post #25
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.

On the other hand, attractive women sometimes get harassed. If you are an attractive man, many people will just generally automatically be nice but also respectful toward you. Then you could end up with a cheery disposition because from your point of view the world is just a friendly, respectful place, and people are even nicer to you (or you could turn into a spoiled jerk, there are lots of paths).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#55

Post by zug_zug »

lordnacho wrote: post #39

Great article, though it does give a sort of programmy-algorithmic answer to one of life's great questions. Not saying that's bad, just unexpected. I was actually thinking about it today. Here's an awkward truth about friendships that everyone needs to get comfortable with: often one of you is more interested in the relationship than the other. You know what I mean. For instance, I was invited to a wedding a few week…

I appreciate you calling this out.

I want to take a step back and generalize a little here, because I think there are a huge number of hypothetical "ideals" we tell ourselves friendships (and families and relationships) are "supposed" to be, but in reality basically never are - and when we hold ourselves to these ridiculously high standards literally we just end up isolating.

For example I think a lot of people act like lying is a huge betrayal of trust, but white lies are more-or-less a social lubricant (even comfort-lies that might prevent the person from growing, like "Yeah it was him/her, not you.").

Another example is romantic idea that we're 100% into 1 person romantically and 0% into anybody else until the moment we break up.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#56

Post by thenerdhead »

Serious question.

For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc?

I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#57

Post by jrochkind1 »

I love this, it's very well-written.

For some people this kind of thing comes naturally/intuitively without necessarily being explicit about it; and for some people being explicit about it won't actually work anyway.

But for those like me who like and find helpful analyzing it and being explicit about it, this is very well-done!

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#58

Post by zug_zug »

great_reversal wrote: post #34

I'm 23 and have lived most of my life without having close friends. I'd say I'm very extroverted and can strike up engaging conversations with most people I meet. I'm easy going and don't really have a fear of talking to new people. The problem is that I end up with dozens of friends that I regularly have good banter with, but it just never feels like one of those "best friend" or "close friend" situationships. Most…

> It feels like you need to lean on people emotionally in order to actually become closer.

I do feel like a lot of friendship comes down to interdependence, which I see as a good thing. But it's not always emotional, it could be that he helps you fix your motorcycle and you let him rant about his ex-wife. Or maybe you rely on this person's great taste in video games.

But yeah in general I think being open enough to gently "ask for help" in one form or another from people helps them grow close to you.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#59

Post by thenerdhead »

hahamrfunnyguy wrote: post #45
legerdemain wrote: post #41

The author is a child. The core of his anecdote is "I dated a girl and then I went to a summer camp and got my camp mates to do that '36 questions' exercise the New York Times popularized several years ago." I think this advice would be useful to socially awkward college students who need explicit instruction for talking to classmates.

While the author is young, they've made some accurate observations - at least in my experience.

Yeah absolutely accurate for their age. Will their age change things? I know it did for me when I approached 30.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#60

Post by legerdemain »

hahamrfunnyguy wrote: post #45
legerdemain wrote: post #41

The author is a child. The core of his anecdote is "I dated a girl and then I went to a summer camp and got my camp mates to do that '36 questions' exercise the New York Times popularized several years ago." I think this advice would be useful to socially awkward college students who need explicit instruction for talking to classmates.

While the author is young, they've made some accurate observations - at least in my experience.

The author's primary advice for making more friends is that you will have conversations with lots of people and you should iterate through them quickly by making more intimate conversation and revealing something about yourself to deepen the relationship.

This makes sense if the author is a student at a school of any meaningful size in a popular major. But it doesn't make sense for adults struggling to make connections outside of school. Assuming you work in an office, would you serially go from desk to desk asking coworkers out to 1:1 lunches? I'm a member of over a hundred groups on Meetup and I manage to find in-person events maybe every couple of weeks or so. And I talk to maybe 1-2 people at each one: everyone else mostly brings coworkers and talks to them instead. When I go work on a laptop at a cafe, I try making some kind of conversation with someone who is also there alone, but that's also usually 1-2 people a week and that's a sentence or two back and forth, not even a conversation.

I get the sense that even lonely people looking for more chances to connect with others have few promising encounters with strangers and can't apply that "filter fast" mindset.

Post reply on HN