Ask HN: I will become a father tomorrow, what advice could you share with me?

Look after yourself, too.

First, dont ask for parenting advice. You'll got a ton of varied answers- all specific to those peoples point of view and experience. Not wrong, just varied. The basics- love your child, feed them, shelter them. The rest is up to you to decide. After the 3 basics, parenting is a matter of style. And for gawd sakes, dont buy any parenting books- especially ones on sleep. Good luck on your journey.

Yes. Definitely do heed all of the warnings regarding SIDS/suffocation. Beyond that, excessive paranoia is unnecessary!

Here's some advice I gave my brother. (My daughter was 15 months old, and I was thinking about what advice I wish I'd been given before she was born)

1) Remember at all times that no matter how tired you are, your partner is almost certainly much more tired. Basically, give her a free pass for the first few months, if not longer. (The hormonal changes a few days in are no fun either)

2) There is no point comforting a crying baby (when there's nothing actually wrong) - they just don't understand what you're trying to do. Distract the fuck out of them instead. (This from a baby psychologist on a BBC documentary.

3) Babies are their own tutorial. They start off really simple, with about three things to remember, and then once you've got the hang of those things they start adding new ones on. But you don't need to panic about whether you can do it, it's not complicated, just full on.

4) Bonding - do not panic if it takes you six months (or longer) to fall in love with your child. I certainly felt incredibly protective of Sophia from the moment she was born, but I didn't feel fully connected to her until she was able to smile at me, and we could have some kind of interaction. It's really easy to feel awful because all the TV and movies says it happens instantly, but it can take a fair while, so don't worry about it.

5) Ignore any advice you don't like.

I have 4 children - 2 step children, ranging from approx 15 - 30 years old and a variety of neurotypes, so given they all still mostly talk to me, I feel I have some basis to make comment.

I am adding this as an edit because I forgot, get a sling (not a baby bjorn, I think they are expensive shit). In a sling, the baby can lie there asleep or looking up at you and you get two free hands, to wrangle no. 1 and 2, not drop the car keys down the grate, or whatever. The arrival of the well made $25 sling in our house with no. 2 made a world of difference, don't wait for no. 2 to get one.

Always give your children one free strike on any thing they mess up with on the first time, then explain to them very clearly so they know (have them repeat it back to you in their words) - dont punish them or get angry with them for a first time offence, but second time, assume negligence or malice unless they can explain in great detail otherwise.

Set firm boundaries early, in the first 2-3 years, but let them roam freely within those boundaries - you may well find that you don't need to be so firm in later years, the expectation has been created.

Don't gloat to any one else how yours is a "sleeper" because you are such awesome parents. Experience has shown whether your infant is a good sleeper or not usualy has zero to do with any parenting qualities, good or bad. Those that do gloat, expect the karma of the universe to rain down on you for child no. 2 or 3.

Don't try and live your life, especially your unfulfilled life, thru your children.

Those unable to fend for themselves or provide for themselves unconditionally come first - this is not an excuse to neglect your spouse.

Don't hothouse your children, I've yet to see this not backfire in some fairly serious sense eventually, sometimes an ultimate and tragic one. Push them a little, teach them to extend themselves, but let them run theior own race in their own way, that way when you are not around they won't be helpless.

Try and explain to them, fruitless though it will seem, and likely be, the value that youth holds in so many ways.

Not the least for youth, that time somwhere betweem roughly 10 and 16 yo where they have (what seems, looking back) all the time in the world to persue one or two things they really like and to build the foundation to be really good at these, or just ok at them, but effortless. Once you get older you realise it is extremely rare to ever find like time like that again as an adult and a parent.

Teach them that failure is not the same as failing, any mistake you only make once and learn from is valuable. Those that need to occur ten times to learn from are potentially costly.

Let them learn the lessons, harsh they may seem, as early as possible - the later in life some lessons are learned, the more expensive they can be. Some, if put off until considered an adult by society, can ruin a life.

To do the above you have to let them have some freedoms to potentially make these mistakes themselves - many things can be told, but never taught, and must be learned to be truly effective.

Little tricks, you will develop your own, but here is one thing that can really help - at some point (can't remember exactly but maybe 6-9 months) a single nappy/diaper will not hold enough liquid so that they can get thru the night without the seepage getting cold from evaporative cooling and waking you up at 2 or 3 in the morning. Practice the nappy origami - fold a second nappy inside the first in a strategic location and you will find that you can get sleep thru the night back (if they were before.)

Final point, if you are a Dad and working, and the mother is stay at home, when you are at home take every possible opportunity to change every possible nappy you can - the mother wil be so grateful and likely think you are the best Dad in the world, and it is time spent with your infant that may well constitute some of the best quality time you are going to get for certain periods of their early life.