Ask HN: I will become a father tomorrow, what advice could you share with me?

I saw in yesterday’s poll that there’s a huge group of potential fathers here. I’d like to learn from your experiences

Learn how to change diapers. Be understanding. Wake up in the middle of the night with your child when you can and while it makes sense (some mothers want to split feeding duties and some don’t). Be a partner and recognize that while there’s a lot on your partner during this time you both brought this human into the world.

There’s no magic formula and that’s ok.

Are you referring to the pregnancy itself or the parenting that comes after?

- I didn't feel connected to my son until he was nine months old. At which time I traveled for work and heard another baby cry-- this induced sudden anxiety in me that required me to call home immediately. I puzzled at this until I realized I had developed a paternal instinct. This grew over time. My 28 year-old lives with his wife in my home and I'm glad of it. Moral: don't worry if the birth of your child is not "the greatest day of your life" because it was definitely not for me.

- Becoming a parent is like joining a monastery. Really. You are cut off from your friends. Your life becomes a series of chores in devotion to a higher being. It is exhausting and nobody tells you this beforehand for some reason.

- We never let our child be alone in a room, crying. I realize that there are strong feelings about this, but we chose "attachment parenting" and are happy with it. It's possible that it led to our son having little interest in having adventures in the wide world. It's hard to know what's right, but this felt right.

- Growing a child is like growing a plant of an unknown species. You don't know if they need more water or less; more sunlight or less. You may be an oak tree, but the child may be a rose bush. So you just have to listen and try things.

- I interacted with my son on the theory that anything I say to him when he is three, he will remember when he is thirty. So I always spoke to him with respect.

- Never argue with a toddler about how its time to get in the car. When they scream "no" just wait 45 seconds and ask again. The answer will turn to yes within a couple of minutes with no arguing or yelling needed.

- No matter how it looks, your child is always watching you. If he resists being taught (as mine did), just do things around him that he can witness.

- My son resisted learning how to read and write. But when we was twelve he responded to a one paragraph writing assignment by writing 30,000 words (in one big paragraph). He wrote and published a novel before he was 21. So, be patient.

- This is how hard it is to be a mother: my wife once floated the idea of putting my infant son up for adoption. I realized she was suffering from extreme exhaustion and post-natal depression and we dealt with that. But, geez, that's how hard it is. Sometimes you just feel you can't go on unless you get a break.

First, congratulations. Second, strap up.

For me, it was an incredibly difficult time to adjust. I'm selfish with my time, I need me time, I need creative thinking - and it went away.

It's easy to become a shadow of your former self trying to be the best father. My advice is, find balance. Find time for yourself, make time for your partner. She will need that time alone too.

Your job as a father, during the first year, is to make sure the baby survives. That's it. Don't think you'll always be able to make it stop crying, or think you can attend to its every need. You'll be lucky if you can put it to sleep. The first year is rough, baby wants mum, a lot. You're the supporting actor, you won't be the lead act. It will feel unfair, that no matter how hard you try, you can't deliver.

Finally, know that the first 6 months are the hardest. It gets easier, and the 2nd year is easier than the first, etc. Don't lose yourself and be patient, compassionate, and understand: life won't be your life anymore. It's about the family's and it hurts, but it's so much deeper and so much more interesting. This will be the biggest growth you'll ever accomplish as an adult, becoming a father.

So enjoy the best of it (they grow up so fast), and brush off the bad parts. Embrace dad jokes and becoming that dad, because humour is the best weapon to the loss of your personal life.

Good luck, all the best.