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Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

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Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#441

Post by carabiner »

jemmyw wrote: post #131
javajosh wrote: post #124

My mother told me to not care what other people thought. She also told me that words can't really hurt people ("sticks and stones..."). She also believed its "mean" to have any preference about people, calling it a version of "keeping score". In fact, "keeping score" was one of the worst things you could be accused of in my household. Her advice fails to accept the reality of social and emotional needs. It also fails…

To be fair to your mother, this particular advice and view was rampant when I grew up in the 80s/90s. My experience was that this is quite backwards. Physical altercations at school didn't hurt that much, but the name calling, social shunning and constant verbal put down was very painful and has affected my whole life.

It's incredible how common the "it's just words" refrain is on HN. Wars happen over words. Marriages and divorces too.

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#442

Post by GoldenMonkey »

annyeonghada wrote: post #247
chiefalchemist wrote: post #232

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not to nitpick, but the words have no value. The value comes from what you or me assign to them. Certainly there are things in your past (or mine) that we heard and effectively ignored. But if heard again we'd laugh or cry. The point is, the meaning we attach to the words are literally in our heads. We determine the worlds they create. It's not the other way around.

Completely disagree. The "heaviness" of an insult is determined by various factors: how much you value the person holding that opinion, how much you want to be accepted, how many rejections you got through... We are not robots that can automatically choose to not care: in the past I was in the stoic camp, red Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius, Seneca and so on but now I recognize that that philosophy brought me lots of pain…

I don’t think stoicism was applied correctly.

Stoicism is about controlling what you have control over. Chief among this… is our thoughts.

Thoughts matter. How one thinks about things, events, situations that happen to us… matter.

Re-framing and interpreting how one thinks about what happened to us. Is important, for peace of mind.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is an example of how one can apply stoicism.

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#443

Post by qorrect »

booboofixer wrote: post #431
theGnuMe wrote: post #429

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I mean words only hurt if you let them in so that’s why we think of things this way. It sucks to be in a relationship with someone who can’t forgive or forget. Mean vindictive people who will twist words and who are suppose to love you unconditionally.

Something to consider, as more and more people say things to you, you start to understand the different ways in which people are terrible, which isn't all that bad because nobody is perfect. But then you start to understand the ways in which all people are flawed, that's when you really lose faith in humanity. So words might not hurt, but they offer more and more reasons to disengage, not just from terrible people, b…

> So words might not hurt, but they offer more and more reasons to disengage, not just from terrible people, but from otherwise "normal, friendly, would-never-commit-a-crime people"

Oof that hit home.

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#444

Post by solardev »

travisjungroth wrote: post #428
solardev wrote: post #405

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not that I disagree with you, but what does "keeping score" actually mean? I don't understand how it's related to being mean or having "preferences" about people...

My own interpretation: this person said something negative about me. I now like them less and don’t want to spend time with them. That is not okay, because I’m keeping score (remembering their past actions and using it to decide future outcomes) and I’m preferring not to spend time with them. Combined with the other comments, you’re also not allowed to change your own behavior based on what other people say (sticks a…

Oh yikes. Yeah I can see how that would be horrible advice...

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#445

Post by club_tropical »

edw519 wrote: post #423
club_tropical wrote: post #415

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Appreciate your generosity in typing the OG 20 and then expanding upon it when people were curious. Personally I am very surprised you think some of these held up: pos mental attitude, writing things down, value of mba, and - most especially - almost anyone can do anything.

Personally I am very surprised you think some of these held up: pos mental attitude, writing things down, value of mba, and - most especially - almost anyone can do anything. OK then please allow me to give you a recent example of ALL 4 OF THESE that made my (Fortune 50) employer hundreds of millions of dollars in real profits... I built specialized supply chain software that did what nothing else (including SAP and…

Appreciate the example. We remain drawing different conclusions from it, but this further explanation will benefit many readers, so thank you.

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#446

Post by aeternum »

gabereiser wrote: post #424
aeternum wrote: post #381

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most people have never come anywhere close to being beat sufficiently to have a bone broken. I guarantee you words come nothing close to that experience. Being beat to that extent can cause both physical and emotional pain for life.

Not dismissing physical abuse at all. That’s not a stick, nor a stone. I’ve had numerous bones broken. Some because of me. Some because of others. Some from my parents. One from my child (technically my fault). Both forms of abuse hurt. When the abuse goes on for a long time it feels like it takes 10x as long to heal.

The rhyme is about physical abuse though, it's not like accidentally falling into a pile of sticks and stones was a frequent occurrence.

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#447

Post by ativzzz »

AndrewOMartin wrote: post #231

Shut the fuck up. An easy way to increase the value and enjoyment of a conversation is to say a lot less and listen a lot more. This applies obviously in cases where the subject is something you're not an expert on, but can also be extremely valuable in those exact circumstances. Obviously there are limits to this advice, but they are probably much further away than you'd dare believe. Also, people tend to assume tha…

> An easy way to increase the value and enjoyment of a conversation is to say a lot less and listen a lot more.

I've found this often leads to people who you don't really want to listen to spend most of the time talking. This advice does apply to learning from people, sales, and dating though

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#448

Post by amelius »

ThePowerOfFuet wrote: post #347
jart wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Consumers also hate paying for things. I've always thought when Google came along that it was a shining beacon for being the one corporation that gives everything away for free.

> Consumers also hate paying for things. I've always thought when Google came along that it was a shining beacon for being the one corporation that gives everything away for free. All of Google's offerings do indeed have a price, just not a financial one in most cases.

On top of that, consumers still pay financially for ads since the price for them is built into the price of the products and services people buy.

Re: Ask HN: Advice that changed your life?

#450

Post by sumosudo »

"Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off who you really want to be? Your nobler self cannot wait any longer. From this moment on, vow to stop disappointing yourself. Separate yourself from the mob. Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do – now."

𝐄𝐏𝐈𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐓𝐔𝐒

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