421–430 of 567 posts
‘The fate of the fool will overtake me also. What then do I gain by being wise?” I said to myself, “This too is meaningless.” For the wise, like the fool, will not be long remembered; the days have already come when both have been forgotten Like the fool, the wise too must die’
You are a fool if you believe this
My mother told me to not care what other people thought. She also told me that words can't really hurt people ("sticks and stones..."). She also believed its "mean" to have any preference about people, calling it a version of "keeping score". In fact, "keeping score" was one of the worst things you could be accused of in my household. Her advice fails to accept the reality of social and emotional needs. It also fails…
I think your mother's advice was well-meaning, for sure. I would qualify it as follows: FOR WHAT OTHERS THINK: You shouldn't care what most people think of you. Ones that matter: your boss, your spouse, (if you are religious) your Maker. The others don't get the same weight. FOR "STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES...": This one doesn't work. Words can ( and do ) hurt, and we should be careful what we say to others.…
I agree, but even those can be limited. I care about my boss' opinion when it comes to my work and what I do while paid.
For a spouse, there are limits as well, hard to think of specific examples, but I guess it depends on the couple.
For my creator, he wouldn't care whether I prefer Angular over React, or .Net over Java. As long as the choice is not made out of malice, for example I pick Rust for a greenfield project with a deadline even though I don't know Rust and hoping to learn it.
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Thanks for the feedback, gbro3n. I'm too lazy to write a blog post about this at the moment, so here's a quickie reply: 1. An estimate is better than a guess. An measurement is better than an estimate. Feedback from my mentor at a silly presentation of mine that convinced no one. I added data (as suggested) and it killed. 2. It's never the money. (They will always say it is, but it's not.) I had trouble selling softw…
Appreciate your generosity in typing the OG 20 and then expanding upon it when people were curious. Personally I am very surprised you think some of these held up: pos mental attitude, writing things down, value of mba, and - most especially - almost anyone can do anything.
OK then please allow me to give you a recent example of ALL 4 OF THESE that made my (Fortune 50) employer hundreds of millions of dollars in real profits...
I built specialized supply chain software that did what nothing else (including SAP and JDA) could do. It supported 10,000 daily orders in 240 warehouses.
Our Big 4 Accounting Idiots spent 9 months and $2 million to conclude that it could not be done. I knew better because my users knew better. (I had already earned my own worthless MBA and had worked as an employee for the same Big 4 firm years prior and knew their weaknesses, which were not hard to spot.)
3 different divisions could not agree on anything. I just pulled them together in the same room at corporate headquarters until they got to know each other and hammered out a good design.
I built the prototype in 6 weeks because I knew I could. I got buy-in from the people that mattered because it's what they wanted in the first place.
12 offshore programmers built production ready software in less than a year. Everyone else had given up on them and their giant firm because of previous failures but I knew better. I never met any of them, in person or online (because of the time zone difference). Everything was written down. That's the only way this could have been done.
The 20 items I presented in my original post are solid gold. Not because of me. But because I learned from brilliant mentors.
Personally I am very surprised that you are are very surprised. The tech only takes us so far. I was lucky to have mentors who taught me the soft stuff too. Their advice changed my life much more than any tech advice.
Hope this helps. :-)
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“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will hurt for life” is how I used to say it. Never say anything that couldn’t stand as the last thing you say to someone. You’re words matter more than you realize.
Most people have never come anywhere close to being beat sufficiently to have a bone broken. I guarantee you words come nothing close to that experience. Being beat to that extent can cause both physical and emotional pain for life.
Both forms of abuse hurt. When the abuse goes on for a long time it feels like it takes 10x as long to heal.
Always take sides. By not taking a side you are automatically wrong. This doesn’t mean you should engage in identity politics, etc. but when faced with a choice take the time to make an informed decision. If you say something “should be a thing” you are automatically now in charge of creating it or convincing someone to create it. Do not tell people who are working on things that they should realize your idea if you…
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To be fair to your mother, this particular advice and view was rampant when I grew up in the 80s/90s. My experience was that this is quite backwards. Physical altercations at school didn't hurt that much, but the name calling, social shunning and constant verbal put down was very painful and has affected my whole life.
Fists fights are great. Quick resolution of said problem and emotions. One of my best friends over the last few decades was a person I hated till we physically fought each other in our 20s. Another example is American parents. Since you can’t spank your kids you have to resort to hurting their feelings with words to discipline them. No wonder teens in this country hate their parents.
My mom enforced clear consequences based on what I valued and she valued. Break rules, I lose computer time. Trespass on someone’s property, I write an apology letter and deliver it to them. Etc
My mother told me to not care what other people thought. She also told me that words can't really hurt people ("sticks and stones..."). She also believed its "mean" to have any preference about people, calling it a version of "keeping score". In fact, "keeping score" was one of the worst things you could be accused of in my household. Her advice fails to accept the reality of social and emotional needs. It also fails…
Not that I disagree with you, but what does "keeping score" actually mean? I don't understand how it's related to being mean or having "preferences" about people...
Combined with the other comments, you’re also not allowed to change your own behavior based on what other people say (sticks and stones, outsider).
Sounds like a coping mechanism for dealing with trauma from a family member. Your parent is horrible to you, but you want a parent to love and be loved by, so you decide keeping score is immoral. You also don’t want to feel responsible and lessen the impact, so you decide words don’t hurt.
It’s horrible advice for a kid. You won’t mold yourself to fit into the group (also called socialization, totally normal and healthy) and you won’t cut ties with people that are awful to you. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to find another kid who accepts you. Much more likely a bully will latch on.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
To be fair to your mother, this particular advice and view was rampant when I grew up in the 80s/90s. My experience was that this is quite backwards. Physical altercations at school didn't hurt that much, but the name calling, social shunning and constant verbal put down was very painful and has affected my whole life.
“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will hurt for life” is how I used to say it. Never say anything that couldn’t stand as the last thing you say to someone. You’re words matter more than you realize.
It sucks to be in a relationship with someone who can’t forgive or forget. Mean vindictive people who will twist words and who are suppose to love you unconditionally.
What happens internally is entirely in your control.
Your experience of life is entirely internal.
Therefore, your experience of life is entirely in your control.