61–70 of 91 posts
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I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future. In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to…
Oh knock it off.
I don't know how this is relevant to HN but it feels well timed, for me. My wife is alive. She doesn't a terminal diagnosis. But for the last five years, she's had no diagnosis. Visually, she's stunning and fit. According to every test they run on her, there appears to be nothing wrong. There's no explanation for the temporary blindness, the rapid onset arthritis, the partial spinal fusion, the diverticulitis, the ra…
You might consider going to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. It’s world renowned for diagnosis. My wife had various, random symptoms and all local doctors were either baffled or suggesting absurd things in desperation. In two days a doctor at Mayo correctly diagnosed the issue and offered suggestions on treatment that worked. The local doctors were both disbelieving and angry. Diagnosis was POTS (brought on by pregn…
At the Rochester Mayo Clinic, they did a whole spectrum of tests, multiple specialist doctors looked at the results and made a multi-angle evaluation. In the end, they said it was all in my head, and I could believe it because they went the distance to rule out other things and explained their reasoning transparently and deeply (a year later my hands were fine, and now 5 years later still fine). They even gave me a chance to ask all my questions and answered them patiently with zero pressure to get out and make way for the next patient.
It's an amazing place.
Oh God, I saw the title and was kind of scared of reading this... I mean, I'm young still, not married or anything, but, I think I am a very empathetic person and kind of like to be understanding of other people's lives and feelings, maybe because I feel it's a way of expanding my own life perspective or something, but anyway I was reading this and feeling pretty emotional during the whole thing and then I read the f…
I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future. In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to…
You can absolutely empathize with people in more dire situations than you are. Why? Because we are perfectly capable of putting ourselves in other people’s shoes, because we can be compassionate, because we can be understanding, because we can _feel_.
Btw, that world you live in is absolutely terrible. Can you imagine if we couldn’t empathize with someone who lost a wife, or a son, or a loved one, because I didn’t? What a bleak, sad world you promote.
And do yourself a favor and look up the definition of empathy.
Not sure why this is on HN, but this is a gut punch and I think it is something worth spending the time to read.
And, after reading it, I agree. You summarized it right: a gut punch, but it felt damn good.
It sounds like this happened around the same time as our experience. What I recall of my experience, I went into sort of a relentlessly optimistic support guy. Suppressing everything I was thinking and worrying about, so as to take care of my family.
Our outcome was different. My wife of 31+ years is sitting a mere 1 meter from me on our couch, watching a TV show with our 22 year old daughter (12 at the time of the event). She is officially a survivor.
I've commented to my therapist that there really doesn't seem to be much support for families/spouses for survivors. This was a tremendously traumatic experience, that I only started addressing last year. Vocalizing your fears is hard, after you've buried them for so long to support your family.
I'm sure this is a good article. I just can't read beyond where I went. Likewise, the last episode of "How I met your mother" hit me very hard (1 scene, barely 30 seconds). I've never been able to complete that.
Its not that I can't watch/read these things, its that it resonates uncomfortably with my own experiences, and I don't wish to experience that discomfort if at all possible.
[1] https://blog.scalability.org/2011/11/ot-it-really-focuses-yo...
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Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.
ENT - ear nose and throat HMO - health maintenance organization. It's a type of insurance where you have to get referrals from someone you designate as your primary care provider. PPO - preferred provider organization. Another type of insurance where some providers are "preferred providers" who partner with the insurance company to offer reduced rates. You don't need a referral to see a specialist, but many specialis…
This is very dependent on where you live and the density of providers. If you live in a small-to-medium size city or smaller, your description is accurate. In big cities, it's not; there is a whole set of doctors who don't work with HMOs at all, because they don't have to. They often are the best, most in demand doctors as well.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future. In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to…
I'm sorry it apparently rubbed you off the wrong way, but I really meant no judgment or claiming that reading this makes me feel better about myself because I take valuable lessons from it while somehow being dettached from the real consequences as you rightly point out. I ended up empathizing more peraphs because I have experienced some level of loss in my life both from family members and friends when I was very ve…
My best friend’s wife is in the process of dying right now after qualifying for and self-choosing hospice following persistent and progressing medical issues. He was looking for graveyards yesterday while she continues to pass… I am one of his primary support structures and this is hard for me, too. I just want to be as normal as possible for/around him, to be a rock. But I have never been in this position for someon…
My brother-in-law passed about 6 years ago, after dealing with strokes, seizures, etc. I was in the room with my sister-in-law and him when they took him off life support (no brain activity). His illness was long, and he suffered. I wished he hadn't. He was a great guy, and I miss him.
My SIL has a large extended family, and we all helped out. Sometimes, just being in the same room, bringing things over, listening is just what the (real) doctors order.
Just be there, be present. Look for him struggling with something, and help him do that thing. Don't ask, don't push your way in to it. If it looks like he can't do simple things, let him grieve, and you handle those. He will need processing time. Help him get it. Some people need to be busy with physical things to process. Some people need to be alone to process. But they need people nearby, even if alone.
Everyone is different, every person processes grief differently. There's no real "right" way for this. And be aware that after a time, he may want to change some things in his life, to not be reminded of this time. This is not necessarily burying it. It is moving on.
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Oh knock it off.
Considering how I gave my piece as kindly as possible and how yours is just a self-assured dismissal, I think it's you who should knock it off. :)
You said: "...don't tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering."
The person you replied to didn't do this.