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What happened when my wife died

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Re: What happened when my wife died

#41

Post by rTX5CMRXIfFG »

brunooliv wrote: post #39

Oh God, I saw the title and was kind of scared of reading this... I mean, I'm young still, not married or anything, but, I think I am a very empathetic person and kind of like to be understanding of other people's lives and feelings, maybe because I feel it's a way of expanding my own life perspective or something, but anyway I was reading this and feeling pretty emotional during the whole thing and then I read the f…

I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future.

In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to say that you understand other people’s lives or experiences because you heard or read a small part of what they’re going through.

Empathy is about seeing another person as a dignified equal, making no judgments, sharing that person’s pain, and gaining nothing from it.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#42

Post by barry-cotter »

belkarx wrote: post #20

>If she does not understand or employ traditional feminine wiles that, offensive though it may be to admit, are necessary to getting along in a patriarchy? Is this really true in this day and age?

Of course. No one defies gender roles in the modern West. There are no large, media/ruling class celebrated subcultures of people who do not follow gender roles. All conform.

To be less tongue in cheek, no it’s not true. Life is harder if you’re weird but plenty of people are abnormal to the level of dysfunction and severe negative consequences and they get by. Plenty of others conform to gender roles and have a shit time anyway.

It’s a lot easier to make it as a member of the journalist class if you say what the author did about the patriarchy, of course.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#43

Post by robertk »

My best friend’s wife is in the process of dying right now after qualifying for and self-choosing hospice following persistent and progressing medical issues. He was looking for graveyards yesterday while she continues to pass… I am one of his primary support structures and this is hard for me, too. I just want to be as normal as possible for/around him, to be a rock. But I have never been in this position for someone before and I don’t know what would be most helpful. If anyone has, or possessed the empathy and EQ to be truly attuned to an impossible situation like this, can you please reach me through my profile or respond to this comment? With gratitude in advance.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#44

Post by tmsbrg »

jakzurr wrote: post #16
jakzurr wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ah, that sucks. You might try: Chrome + NoScript (default settings, with only google.com allowed to run scripts). Works on original and archive sites. The old Kill Sticky wipes out the banner - javascript:(function()%7B(function () %7Bvar i%2C elements %3D document.querySelectorAll('body *')%3Bfor (i %3D 0%3B i I used to use Firefox with NoScript; haven't tried it on this.

I keep forgetting, most people are reading from mobile; I have no solution. I'm getting old...

On Android you can just install Firefox for mobile and install uBlock Origin as usual.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#45

Post by tandr »

Test0129 wrote: post #32
cfeduke wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Right there with you. We had a scare where my wife had to go to the hospital and stay at the emergency room for four days for stroke-like symptoms. She has many of the symptoms you've listed, and though her assigned emergency room doctor was unwilling to provide a diagnosis, it turns out that that thyroid medication has helped stabilize her condition. What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital an…

> What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital and the inability to find a rheumatologist or specialist or just a regular doctor who gives a damn. I guess this depends on your situation. I've been in and out of doctors my entire life. The doctors that give a damn are generally locked away from you if you're using some sort of state health plan or HMO. I have only ever had luck finding a good doctor…

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#46

Post by brunooliv »

rTX5CMRXIfFG wrote: post #41
brunooliv wrote: post #39

Oh God, I saw the title and was kind of scared of reading this... I mean, I'm young still, not married or anything, but, I think I am a very empathetic person and kind of like to be understanding of other people's lives and feelings, maybe because I feel it's a way of expanding my own life perspective or something, but anyway I was reading this and feeling pretty emotional during the whole thing and then I read the f…

I don’t mean to police you and you probably don’t mean harm, but what you said and how you said it is bound to rub someone off the wrong way in the future. In general, don’t tell people who are going through something that you empathize with their struggles, real and painful struggles which you have no share in suffering, because you benefit from their stories by making you wiser about life. It’s also presumptuous to…

I'm sorry it apparently rubbed you off the wrong way, but I really meant no judgment or claiming that reading this makes me feel better about myself because I take valuable lessons from it while somehow being dettached from the real consequences as you rightly point out.

I ended up empathizing more peraphs because I have experienced some level of loss in my life both from family members and friends when I was very very young, and I feel that reading a text line this one many decades later probably triggered something in my subconscious in that I could probably understand how this dad was feeling in a way that I could not comprehend when I experienced those aforementioned losses when I was much younger.

I'm not claiming to understand his exact situation, I'm not married, I don't have kids and it's not something you can project or relativize in any way, we're on the same page there.

I just meant that understanding part of the feelings of grief and the innocent way that Lilly near the end of the article says she'd search every cloud just moved me in a way that I also found unexpected myself, that's all. I know I'm not special and I don't want to be or claim to be, because I know everybody will experience loss, but, simultaneously, this just hit me more than I expected it would which is what moved me to write the above comment, it was truly sincere.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#47

Post by blakesterz »

berdon wrote: post #40
igetspam wrote: post #19

I don't know how this is relevant to HN but it feels well timed, for me. My wife is alive. She doesn't a terminal diagnosis. But for the last five years, she's had no diagnosis. Visually, she's stunning and fit. According to every test they run on her, there appears to be nothing wrong. There's no explanation for the temporary blindness, the rapid onset arthritis, the partial spinal fusion, the diverticulitis, the ra…

You might consider going to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. It’s world renowned for diagnosis. My wife had various, random symptoms and all local doctors were either baffled or suggesting absurd things in desperation. In two days a doctor at Mayo correctly diagnosed the issue and offered suggestions on treatment that worked. The local doctors were both disbelieving and angry. Diagnosis was POTS (brought on by pregn…

I'll second this!! If you haven't tried The Mayo Clinic yet, drop everything and get an appointment there.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#48

Post by plasticchris »

tandr wrote: post #45
Test0129 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital and the inability to find a rheumatologist or specialist or just a regular doctor who gives a damn. I guess this depends on your situation. I've been in and out of doctors my entire life. The doctors that give a damn are generally locked away from you if you're using some sort of state health plan or HMO. I have only ever had luck finding a good doctor…

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

PPO is insurance that you pay more for but you can pick the doctors and services. HMO is insurance where the insurance company picks the doctors and services. ENT is a specialist doctor.

Re: What happened when my wife died

#49

Post by mmkhd »

tandr wrote: post #45
Test0129 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital and the inability to find a rheumatologist or specialist or just a regular doctor who gives a damn. I guess this depends on your situation. I've been in and out of doctors my entire life. The doctors that give a damn are generally locked away from you if you're using some sort of state health plan or HMO. I have only ever had luck finding a good doctor…

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-wpHszfnJns&t=1627s

“A terrible guide to the terrible terminology of U.S. Health Insurance” by Brian David Gilbert

Re: What happened when my wife died

#50

Post by astura »

tandr wrote: post #45
Test0129 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> What's baffling is the lack of any sort of help at the hospital and the inability to find a rheumatologist or specialist or just a regular doctor who gives a damn. I guess this depends on your situation. I've been in and out of doctors my entire life. The doctors that give a damn are generally locked away from you if you're using some sort of state health plan or HMO. I have only ever had luck finding a good doctor…

Would someone be kind, and explain what PPO, ENT, HMO means? Thank you in advance.

ENT - ear nose and throat

HMO - health maintenance organization. It's a type of insurance where you have to get referrals from someone you designate as your primary care provider.

PPO - preferred provider organization. Another type of insurance where some providers are "preferred providers" who partner with the insurance company to offer reduced rates. You don't need a referral to see a specialist, but many specialists won't see you without a referral anyway.

I have no idea what a "PPO doctor" is, I've never heard of a doctor that only accepts PPOs, that's ridiculous. I guess if a referral is required then the nebulous "they" won't refer you to the "good" ones if you have an HMO?? Except, in practice, you end up at the same handful of providers in your area no matter your insurance. I've had both HMOs and PPOs throughout the years, same shitty doctors on both.

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