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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#311

Post by thefz »

medvezhenok wrote: post #255
thefz wrote: post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone Allow me to disagree. First: there's no evidence of any change in your body, as a male, after becoming a father. Second: supposing such a "wireless" change would happen, getting someone pregnant and immediately disappearing from their life would yield a perceptible change even with distance and no involvement with the life of the child. Third: I personally…

Not exactly true - they have found statistically significant hormonal changes in men after becoming fathers: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/15/parenting/baby/fatherhood...

Reading the article... yikes. One more reason not to.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#312

Post by jlizzle30 »

thefz wrote: post #310
jlizzle30 wrote: post #264

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There could be a great discussion about whether male parenting and reproduction comes from the bio/psycho/social drives. For this context, I think trying to make these distinctions is a distraction. By way of common sense, reproducing & parenting has been a HUGE factor in the propagation of human life (this is so obvious it's kind of funny to write).

> For this context, I think trying to make these distinctions is a distraction. So basically you don't want to have a discussion that might make you reconsider your belief.

No I just don’t have time to write an entire epistemological defense of “reproduction and parenting is a key milestone for humans”. It should be self evident. If you don’t think so, consider what happens if untrue (hint: no more humans).

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#313

Post by newsuser »

thefz wrote: post #238
jlizzle30 wrote: post #206

New(ish) parent here. Two things: First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or a…

> Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone Allow me to disagree. First: there's no evidence of any change in your body, as a male, after becoming a father. Second: supposing such a "wireless" change would happen, getting someone pregnant and immediately disappearing from their life would yield a perceptible change even with distance and no involvement with the life of the child. Third: I personally…

Birth of the first (and only first) child triggers what might be the largest brain rewiring in males since pubety. Women don't seem to undergo a rewiring of the same scale [1].

To me, this makes sense, given how unusual the new skillset has to be compared to pre-fatherhood life (manipulations with the newborn, deciphering needs, new attetion patterns etc.).

[1] Mentioned in the book by Stanislas Dehaene, "Consciousness and the Brain", https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Consciousness_and_the_Brain

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#314

Post by deltarholamda »

shagymoe wrote: post #220

Here's a hot take: Having children just might turn out to be the worst thing that ever happened to you. What if your child turns out to have a rare and horrible disease, characterized by constant pain and suffering and where you spend all of your time and resources caring for them? What if your child has a mental illness and is constantly unhappy and hates you until the day you die? What if you and your partner split…

A lot of parents of children with Down's relate how wonderful they are.

I am a parent of kids with a genetic disease (cystic fibrosis). It is very difficult, and we had to make many changes in our life to accommodate the special requirements. But it has also led us into brand new directions we never would have even conceived of. And, of course, our kids are a constant joy, regardless of the troubles.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#315

Post by theGnuMe »

nashashmi wrote: post #302
theGnuMe wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marriage is a contract your future self may regret. It may seem like the right thing now but you at the end of your life may think differently. The OP regrets not having children. His younger self made that decision. He is not too old to go and have kids with someone else or adopt (say as a single dad even). Go have kids man! If your wife doesn't want to then get divorced. If she does then work together. IVD, adoptio…

Marriage is a contract upon which every other mutual decision in life is made upon. You need to have a better reason than changing decisions to divorce or annul a marriage. She made that decision too after all and it was made together for each other. You remain faithful to the contract, or you are violating the contract in bad faith.

Here in the USA we have no fault divorces.

There’s no requirement to give a reason or even have a reason to end a marriage.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#316

Post by thefz »

jlizzle30 wrote: post #312
thefz wrote: post #310

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> For this context, I think trying to make these distinctions is a distraction. So basically you don't want to have a discussion that might make you reconsider your belief.

No I just don’t have time to write an entire epistemological defense of “reproduction and parenting is a key milestone for humans”. It should be self evident. If you don’t think so, consider what happens if untrue (hint: no more humans).

You have completely missed the point of all my comments above and took your own tangent.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#317

Post by [deleted] »

lcall wrote: post #290

Some really good people have been childless through no fault of their own. And choices have consequences for ourselves and others. BUT, my religion teaches that losses or failures in this life can be fully made up in the unending next life, if we start making the necessary good choices and do our very best to continue forward. It also promises peace in this life and eternal life (with and like our Father) in the worl…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#318

Post by freedom2099 »

Sohcahtoa82 wrote: post #294
ASalazarMX wrote: post #275

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Going from one extreme of not wanting kids to waking up in the middle of the night with panic attacks caused by the idea of not having them? I'm not going to psychoanalyze someone by a single text message, but I also thought it was unusual to swing that hard. Probably the decision was not thought well and hence the regret, maybe the neighbors have beautiful babies and FOMO brings regret, maybe it's a mid-life crisi…

> maybe it's a mid-life crisis where we worry about our legacy It makes me laugh when people talk about having a "legacy" 99.999% of people are unremarkable. There are currently just over 1M Wikipedia articles about living people. Meanwhile, there are 7.7B people on the planet. Even if you made the incorrect assumption that all 1M were about living Americans, with the US population being nearly 330M, that means you'd…

Even CEOs and most head of state will be forgotten in a couple of generations unless they do something really bad or really good. And most don’t!

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#319

Post by freedom2099 »

jlizzle30 wrote: post #206

New(ish) parent here. Two things: First, the bad news: lots of comments saying stuff like "Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life". In general, the advice "Don't do ____ to fill a hole in your life" is good for frivolous things, but I don't think this applies to being a parent. Parenting is a biological and psychological life milestone. To me it's felt more like leveling up my maturity than buying or a…

In my case the moment they put my son in my arms for the first time I felt instantly so much love! That tiny human being was suddenly the most important thing of my life!

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#320

Post by kbelder »

Kretinsky wrote: post #75
nickdothutton wrote: post #69

The best time for women to have children is (for most women) probably in their 20s. The best time to become a father is (for most men) probably in their 40s. This is an extremely unpopular opinion, although that doesn't make it incorrect. Instead we have millions choosing what amounts to genetic suicide. Of course this is also their prerogative.

Good luck lifting 50 times a day a 12kg todler while being in non-ergonomic positions and waking up 3-4 times during the night while having a productive work when you're in your 40's. And then, when they grow up, to keep up with them during physical activities, to teach and show them the way. It's possible, but it's much easier when you're in your 20's.

>Good luck lifting 50 times a day a 12kg todler while being in non-ergonomic positions and waking up 3-4 times during the night while having a productive work when you're in your 40's.

Nice to know I'm evidently such an exceptional physical specimen...

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