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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#281

Post by andrewvc »

danielbln wrote: post #266
andrewvc wrote: post #178

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There’s some truth here, but the fact is we are all lost or deluded to some extent. The idea that we must perfect ourselves before we enter a relationship with others is common in internet advice and frankly wrong. One of the main ways we heal and grow as people is through relationships. Relationships test us and can be a vital mirror, showing us things that would be otherwise invisible. They are also an incentive to…

There is a pretty wide gamut between "being happy with oneself" and "perfecting oneself".

They are orthogonal, plenty of people are happy with themselves despite being abusive or toxic. It’s a poor heuristic for one’s ability to socialize with others or be a parent. Also, unhappiness can be something people are in denial about.

I think what people are trying to say is that if you want to become a parent you should be capable of providing the child with a good childhood. That’s an admirable goal but answering that question is exceedingly tricky.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#282

Post by MandieD »

helloworld11 wrote: post #187

Taking aside all of your emotional concerns, you should know right away that women absolutely can have healthy biological children at or past the age of 39. Obviously I can't speak for your wife and her specific health or reproductive situation but in general, the idea that "the window has closed" is more often than not totally false. Look into this in more detail with real medical professionals. One interesting obse…

We were married (and trying) for over a decade with only an ectopic to show for it before our “happy surprise” was born 6 months after my 40th birthday.

There’s the small matter of my husband hitting retirement age about the same time our Überraschungsei hits university, but hopefully post-secondary in Germany will continue to mostly be living expenses.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#283

Post by 65 »

oliwarner wrote: post #131

Don't have kids to fill a perceived hole in your life. I absolutely understand the vicious and cyclical nature of what I'm saying, but half the time people feel like you go on to have kids and then discover that feeling of emptiness was just them all along. Having children can just as much separate and ostracise you from your existing life and social circles, and make things worse. So if you do have kids and it turns…

The entire purpose of life is to reproduce. It's not a "perceived hole" it's an actual hole.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#284

Post by xrd »

I've got kids.

I had my first kid at 37, so it isn't too late for you.

Having kids DEFINITELY isn't rosey. Easily, the most challenging thing I've ever faced. What you write about anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I've had all those things and attribute them directly to the life choices I've had to make since having kids. Having kids means you are subject to scrutiny as a parent like nothing you have ever experienced as a software developer, especially from people close to you, your spouse, her/his parents, extended family.

I would say: get a life coach. You could have kids if you wanted to, but are probably blocked from it beyond just the circumstances. If you go down that path, you'll figure that why, and even if you don't have kids, you'll find why you do or don't want to be happy.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#285

Post by g42gregory »

Unfortunately, it’s much easier said than done, but I do believe that the best way of dealing with issues is to take action. One action you can take is to look into an adoption. 40 and 39 is very young. There are many countries in the world where you can adopt a child. It will take lots of work, but this is one thing you could consider doing.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#287

Post by badpun »

zelphirkalt wrote: post #92

Like a friend of mine once said approximately: Having a family or a wife is not the only goal in life one can have. Some people are made for different purposes than the biological default activity. People can live great lives and never be in an (exclusive) relationship with any partner. People can do great work and advance humanity a little bit. They can be experts in their area of expertise and that can be already m…

> They can be experts in their area of expertise and that can be already more valuable to society than another child.

Moreover, judging ones' life through a lense of "being valuable to society" is pretty depressing. Human beings are not lawnmowers, we're not meant to be useful/provide value. Life is much more interesting and mysterious than that.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#288

Post by elteto »

39 is most definitely not an impossible age for women to have to children. I know several people who did and even a couple of years older. Of course, assuming "normally" healthy adults for everything else ("normally" in quotes because you don't have to be the healthiest, fittest person to have a successful pregnancy). You might want to consult with a fertility Dr. before, to make sure you do all the right things.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#289

Post by throwaway4aday »

seltzered_ wrote: post #257
throwaway4aday wrote: post #175

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> we issue a global appeal for women and men to have at most one child Let's wait another 20 years and see how the results of such a policy pan out for China. They've already back tracked on it (their current policy is 3 children as of 2021) but the damage is done. I'm hoping for a relatively soft landing, a complete implosion of Chinese society would be a humanitarian catastrophe.

Im trying to point out a broader predicament and thinking of the systemic tradeoffs between human impact (in terms of population size but more importantly population pressure), planetary boundaries, and changes in resource availability. Start with reading 'a good life within planetary boundaries': https://goodlife.leeds.ac.uk/

I'm trying to point out an equally impactful predicament, civilizations don't generally survive sustained population collapses. I don't think that averting a theoretical disaster caused by resource exhaustion is worth creating an almost guaranteed disaster due to forcibly reducing population levels (and it is force whether done through law, propaganda or inequitable incentives).

If "planetary boundaries" are a problem (which I think is not the case since technology can make more use out of less material and energy by increasing efficiency or creating alternate methods of accomplishing the same tasks, but I digress) then we must go beyond them, cowering within them will just give us and our children a slow and painful death.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#290

Post by lcall »

Some really good people have been childless through no fault of their own. And choices have consequences for ourselves and others.

BUT, my religion teaches that losses or failures in this life can be fully made up in the unending next life, if we start making the necessary good choices and do our very best to continue forward. It also promises peace in this life and eternal life (with and like our Father) in the world to come, conditioned on our obedience.

I have high confidence in the religion (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) due to a long list of reasons which I have written, including personal experience, that constitute sufficient "proof" for me.

(With any downvotes, thoughtful comments are appreciated.)

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