Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#71

Post by OJFord » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:43 AM UTC

3np wrote: post #40

luxurytent wrote: post #12

A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…

Adding to the above: Biological children with your spouse is not the only option. Adoption or fostering are two other. But again, it sounds like this is projection more than anything else and your mental issues are not actually caused by you not having had children. It sounds very likely that even if you magically had a baby with your SO tomorrow, this would not be the "solution" you are looking for. Maybe it wouldn'…

As I understand it, Mr & Mrs OP agreed they didn't want children; only OP has changed his mind. Unless Mrs OP had the much more specific objection to childbirth and indifference to children in general; non-biological children don't help OP.

> Sometimes I fantasize about leaving my spouse, who I love to death, find someone who I can have a child with.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#72

Post by pnutjam » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:46 AM UTC

tomp wrote: post #25

Are you sure? Women can have kids after 39. Maybe not easily, but should be possible until like 45. Definitely with medical assistance. Is she on board though? If not, you don't need to stay with her. Your goals in life are worth more, and you don't want to resent her for the rest of your life "you're the reason I don't have kids and I regret it always"

True, my wife and I have a 1 year old and I'm 44. She's 42.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#73

Post by the_gipsy » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:46 AM UTC

I'm getting some Handmaid's Tale vibes from some of the answers here.

Either adopt or figure out what do you expect from life, deep down. Then think about what you will expect at different stages as you age. Remember that you have changed expectations radically at least once. Self-change is a good thing, forget about integrity and focus on your desires.

You will die alone, most likely. Virtually all old people in retirement homes are disappointed by the lack of visits from their offspring.

We all mourn our lost childhood when we lose curiosity and playtime as we age. Having kids is one way to partially relive your childhood, and on the other side you get to be a mentor to someone who will actually listen to you, most of the time. These two things for example can also be fulfilled in different ways than having kids.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#74

Post by qwerty456127 » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:46 AM UTC

40 yr old? I doubt I am going to be economically ready for reproducing (capable of putting kids in a good school while also sponsoring enough free time for myself) before 50 yet I feel almost sure I am going to have kids.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#75

Post by Kretinsky » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:49 AM UTC

nickdothutton wrote: post #69

The best time for women to have children is (for most women) probably in their 20s. The best time to become a father is (for most men) probably in their 40s. This is an extremely unpopular opinion, although that doesn't make it incorrect. Instead we have millions choosing what amounts to genetic suicide. Of course this is also their prerogative.

Good luck lifting 50 times a day a 12kg todler while being in non-ergonomic positions and waking up 3-4 times during the night while having a productive work when you're in your 40's.

And then, when they grow up, to keep up with them during physical activities, to teach and show them the way. It's possible, but it's much easier when you're in your 20's.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#76

Post by baggsie » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:49 AM UTC

OP, my mum was 44 and my dad 49 when I was born - they were great parents and they both admit having me kept them young. I lost my mum this year due to vascular dementia but my dad is still going strong at 89 and in better health than many 20 years younger.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#77

Post by karmakurtisaani » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:49 AM UTC

nxmnxm99 wrote: post #59

john61 wrote: post #48

Since this is Hacker News: Stallman's take on in this: Why it is important not to have children. https://stallman.org/articles/children.html

If I was using Richard Stallman as a guidebook for my life, that would signal a particularly depressing existence.

It's strange to see you downvoted. I can't understand why anyone would treat RMS as anything but entertainment and occasionally curious ideas. I'd never take serious life advice from him.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#78

Post by sherman89 » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:49 AM UTC

It's not necessarily too late, my aunt had her first child at the age of 40. If I were you I'd get to work ;)

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#79

Post by tomatocracy » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:50 AM UTC

You talk about "not having children" as a decision that you alone made, not a joint decision with your wife. (I'm assuming from the mention of a biological window that your spouse is a woman). I don't know if this is just the way you worded it but the first thing you should do if you haven't already is discuss this with her. Does she want children now?

Others have pointed out that it's not necessarily too late biologically for a woman at 39 and I'd add my own experience to that - my wife had our children at 38 and 41, and we had no issues with either conception or pregnancy. So don't assume it's impossible.

If you are in a place where she doesn't want children now and you do though then that puts your relationship in a very difficult place and perhaps you should try couples counseling if you haven't already. If she's open to looking after children but doesn't want to (or can't) go through a pregnancy then there are other options like surrogacy or adoption which might be open to you. A good couples counselor should be able to help you discuss this in a way which is safe both of you.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#80

Post by Kretinsky » Wed, Oct 19, 2022, 10:51 AM UTC

pnutjam wrote: post #72

tomp wrote: post #25

Are you sure? Women can have kids after 39. Maybe not easily, but should be possible until like 45. Definitely with medical assistance. Is she on board though? If not, you don't need to stay with her. Your goals in life are worth more, and you don't want to resent her for the rest of your life "you're the reason I don't have kids and I regret it always"

True, my wife and I have a 1 year old and I'm 44. She's 42.

After 40, it gets much harder, as almost all women are subfertile at 40 and half of them are already sterile. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility#/medi...