Some people think you should be grateful that you didn't make the "mistake" of having kids and that it's not worth it. It's the biggest taboo in our society but a lot of parents regret it. For some reason you decided not to have one in the first place and that same reason is probably still true. It feels like you've fallen into "the grass is always greener" trap and only sees the upsides because you think it's too late, completely forgetting why you didn't want a kid to begin with.
Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
31–40 of 368 posts
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#32As others have said, if you're in reasonably good health, IVF is definitely an option for having kids. It could be good excuse to get that big enterprise job, as I know SalesForce offers IVF insurance as part of its comp. Barring that, fostering is a possibility, but the requirements to do so and the ease of it vary on where you are. Fostering is not something to enter into lightly, but it seems to be highly rewardin…
I am not sure if OP has considered fostering and I think many people (including myself) don't know how it works. The foster parents make a big difference in a person's life and it seems to be quite a different experience than adoption.
Good point about IVF.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#33What do prefer? Giving up on having kids and staying with your partner, trying to cope with regret. I bet the regret alreay takes a toll on the relationship and the probability is high that the relationship ends in a divorce either way. (Divorce statistics in your region?) Divorce and find a younger and religious woman ready to have many kids. You might lose some friends and people might turn away considering your be…
Why does she have to be religious?
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#34Well, the way I deal with it is I know someone on twitter who shares the half witted insigths he shares with his two kids and think to myself, thank god that's not me.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#35I got married at 45, I now have 6 children. But children , just like having a spouse - as wonderful as they are -don’t make a life.
Others have pointed out trying to have children, or adopting, fostering - but you can also invest time in mentoring and supporting. Lots of busy families would love to have a couple give them a date night. Lots of kids would love to have a mentor - really high quality time without a lot of the hardship of responsibility. I know people who are unable to have children who have invested in others and have very rich relationships. It is not the same as having your own, but it can be amazing and deeply fulfilling
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#36Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#37What do prefer? Giving up on having kids and staying with your partner, trying to cope with regret. I bet the regret alreay takes a toll on the relationship and the probability is high that the relationship ends in a divorce either way. (Divorce statistics in your region?) Divorce and find a younger and religious woman ready to have many kids. You might lose some friends and people might turn away considering your be…
Why does she have to be religious?
She does not have to, I am merely painting a possible path in a colorful way.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#38[deleted]
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#39> My life is now dominated by regret every day. I just can't get over that feeling. I've tried many things like therapy, counseling ect. It only helps for a little bit but I am still doing therapy. Some nights I wake up with panic and stay up all night with shallow breathing and high heart rate.
I deal with it as follows:
* Everyone is my child, I may have not birthed them, but I can have a parental feeling to just about anyone (person, animal, group etc.) in general. When a chance presents itself to give/contribute, do it.
Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids
#40A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…
Adding to the above: Biological children with your spouse is not the only option. Adoption or fostering are two other. But again, it sounds like this is projection more than anything else and your mental issues are not actually caused by you not having had children.
It sounds very likely that even if you magically had a baby with your SO tomorrow, this would not be the "solution" you are looking for. Maybe it wouldn't be long until you feel the same level of regret over having had a kid, only now with an additional level of guilt.
Raising a child should be about the child first and foremost, not about you trying to resolve your existential crisis.