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Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

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Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#401

Post by coyotespike »

2-718-281-828 wrote: post #75

Regretting is not just an isolated mental state. It's rather a mindset. If you are somebody who can't let the past be past but has to drag it into the present to continue the suffering tainting the future then you will always regret. Doesn't really matter what you do. There's always something to regret. But if you learn to let go of the past you'll feel free and live happy until the day you die.

This!

Many of my old "worst regrets", which bugged me for years, no longer bother me.

If I revisit the regrets that don't bother me - well, probably they could start bothering me again!

I still have regrets that haunt me daily. I'm learning to live with those too.

A life well lived has a lot of griefs in it, but stewing in them isn't an awesome way to handle them.

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#402

Post by mikrl »

This might sound facetious, but my biggest regret is spending time regretting things.

I was socially awkward and tried to overcome it: had fun, had panic attacks, learned some tricks, but still just as socially awkward. Many other flaws of mine I’ve tried to overcome similarly and not really got anywhere. I just don’t care about them now and want to be unapologetically ME as I exist. This attitude has ended up paying dividends. No one cares if I’m awkward, or kinda mental or any of my other flaws. People actually seem to enjoy me… ?

Now at 29 I can look back at my teens-20s and how things could have gone differently, but there’s no point. Me then could never have been like me now and I couldn’t have convinced myself to, even with a time machine.

It’s like I’ve reached a point of “sour grapes” but without any cope. My life, successes, flaws and mistakes just… are… and I have to accept it. I’m done trying to go against my nature to transform to some state I’ll never reach, for god knows who.

I’ll continue to learn from my missteps. I’ll continue to try new things and get into and out of trouble for the frisk. I’ll continue awkwardly trying to elevate the people around me and keep them in good spirits.

But I’m done feeling inadequate for my flaws or wasting time trying to fight my nature.

Oh, I wish I started endurance running earlier but again, there was a reason I didn’t and I do now, so fuck it.

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#403

Post by CalRobert »

wollsmoth wrote: post #220
rippercushions wrote: post #182

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That creates a remarkable set of perverse incentives akin to what's seen in Australia, where restoring old houses properly is so expensive that they tend to be left to rot and/or mysteriously catch fire instead. Is the issue widely known?

yeah, gosh, it'd be a shame if the house were damaged such that it lost its heritage status.

The neighbour offered to accidently back his tractor in to it...

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#404

Post by smeej »

baobabKoodaa wrote: post #379
smeej wrote: post #200

In 2017, I finally--courageously, in my opinion at the time--decided not to subject myself to my dad at Christmastime and bailed on a trip to see family for Christmas. Only a few days after Christmas, my sister, who was 8 months pregnant, died very suddenly and with no warning. I missed my last chance to see her alive, and I wound up spending a month staying with my parents anyway immediately after that, trying to he…

For some reason this resonated very strongly with me. Especially the reasoning around decisionmaking, where you wish you'd made the "wrong" choice because the outcome would have been better due to factors you could not have known beforehand. I'm sorry for your loss.

It might sound weird to say it just this way, but I had to forgive myself for not being there. My presence wouldn't have made any difference to the outcome (it's not like if I had been there she might not have died), but had I made a different choice, I would have had those last few days and those last few memories with her.

I honestly haven't forgiven my dad for my not being there, though, even though my choice was my own. Perhaps if he had changed at all since then, it would be easier to feel differently.

I've recently heard forgiveness defined as "letting go of all hope for a better past," though, and I might be able to get to forgiving him by that path, for my own sake, not for his.

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#405

Post by tasuki »

soueuls wrote: post #281
camjohnson26 wrote: post #199

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Every mistake is an experience that makes you a unique person and helps you know who you are. I have friends who regretted leaving China and went back, only to find the grass is always greener on the other side.

Yes, it depends on the person’s ideals, it’s now obvious to me that I am more aligned with China then my home country. I wish I could be there right now

Can't you go back?

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#406

Post by erenyeager »

uejfiweun wrote: post #373

I'm 25 and I've never really been in a relationship. I'm an attractive guy but I've consistently punched below my weight class with women. Most women that I've actually been interested in I've been too scared to actually make a move. Now I'm in the south bay and while my career is nice I just practically never have random encounters with women and it's getting me really down. I'm going to be moving to SF soon to hope…

I don’t think it matters if you’ve never been in a relationship, you’re not looking for the right women if they are upset with you about that.

Also you don’t have to come up with a label for your interests.

Seems like you need guidance in your life. Lots of ways to get guidance, idk if HN has a DM feature but I think we have some common areas. Anyways, hope you have figure out some stuff

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#407

Post by rchaud »

l33tbro wrote: post #117
user_7832 wrote: post #66

To anyone full of regret, I'd just like to give a quote by Marcus Aurelius (a Roman Emperor and stoic philosopher) Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what's left and live it properly. Life likely hasn't been perfect for almost anyone, but would you rather die right now (with likely unfinished desires, wishes and more regrets) or would you try to make the best use of what you have? (It may b…

Is quoting a stoic on HN the same as playing 'Stairway to Heaven' in a guitar shop? I do love this quote of course (and all things Aurelius).

Yes, and the guitar solo equivalent would be linking to a Paul Graham article.

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#408

Post by BiggsHoson »

The first one (of many) that comes to mind is not looking to the future when I started life on my own. Had someone told me when I was in my 20s that a day would come much sooner than retirement age when I would be sick of my career (and had I listened--not at all a given) I would have been much farther ahead in my life now. If I had started investing right from the start, especially as the stock market was booming back then, I could have retired some time ago.

Related to that, I wish I'd found and fostered some sort side gig that would have allowed me to eventually ditch the 9-to-5 work life.

I wish I had realized how important it is to find some place you enjoy living (for whatever reason--friends, recreation opportunities, favorable weather, etc.), and then doing what you can to make a life there. Instead, I pursued jobs wherever they took me and I think my family paid a price for that instability. I didn't realize for a long time, but I think that I, too, paid a price for all those relocations in pursuit of the next job.

And then related to that, I wish I had not been so optimistic about my jobs. I should have realized that no matter how convincing the dream being sold to me, it was never going to be that good. I should gave treated my jobs as paychecks, as means to another end, not something into which I should pour the best of my attention and purpose of life.

Wow. I have never told anyone all this.

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#409

Post by tommypie »

Maybe I am in a nostalgic / sad mood but your thread is inspiring me.

As many stated, I don't regret much, it pretty much doesn't belong to my vocabulary. I have made choices with a state of mind, a state of knowledge and a context that explains them. Now I have matured, relieving a moment with 40 years more of experience is not available on the market.

Though this thread could be a trigger for some people in similar moment of their lives.

A few keys things that define me, why they are not purely made of happy consequences, why they also had to happen.

Relationship: my first relationship lasted a super long time. My now ex is a good friend. Though I feel I have skipped on some of my fun time, and I actually broke up because I had to drink from this carpe diem cup. We are still friends, it doesn't help with whatever relationships come after. It feels I am a bit living my life backward. But at that time, this person was the first one that made me feel good / worth loving. And I think that she enabled me to achieve a pretty good high school / university time ... I think I wouldn't have been able to hold without her.

Self knowledge: unfortunately when I read about all your abusive relationships I am scared I am the asshole in them. Anger issues, obsessiveness, no violence but I definitely brought down people I loved in discussions in the past. I have spent a lot of time depressed without knowing it. It took me a shitload of time to aknowledge it and claw back. My key elements have been: doing sport and having a rythm were going to bed at 1am for work everynight is not ok. Seeking help was also a smart thing to do. It took me a shitload of time to figure that. I have destroyed my second relationship by letting work putting me on edge all the time. Positive spin: I think I am decently good at my I do, I think I overinvested but got some payback in skills. I am still struggling with anger issues and not beeing a dick...

Work: younger, someone close in my family told me "go work for a big company you have all the time in the world to start something it will give you money and credentials". I didn't, because nobody in my family really hit the jackpot starting to work for a big one, because not the same times, not the same social background. I had constructed a logic to explain why I would be better starting my own stuffasap. And starting a company in a country that doesn't value risk, has no investors, no mentors... I basically failed for ten years on different projects. Damn I must be somehow resilient or loving the loser game. It was tough, I think that's one of the thing that brought me down (above paragraph), me and my business partner. And I keep seeing this guy I know, he did an internship for a major company, and everytime I hear about him and his projects "he must be good, he has been at X". Now I think I am at a quarter of where I thought I would be at 23 when I was 20, but I have a company that works well and I have learnt a shit load.

Re: Ask HN: What's Your Biggest Regret?

#410

Post by rchaud »

bartvk wrote: post #207
waterfallr wrote: post #60

“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way.”. Søren Kierkegaard

I feel this quote badly aged. Nowadays, the choice isn't really binary anymore, there's so much between marrying or not. I never married but had two long, solid relationships so far. Which I'm quite happy with. I do note that you didn't actually say what your choice was, and whether you regret it.

Marriage was considered a core social obligation until very recently. In modern times, I take this quote to mean something closer to "choose to conform to what society expects or choose not to; you will have some regrets either way."
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