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Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

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Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#61

Post by janj »

runjake wrote: post #47

> How do you deal with it? I got married. Well, I didn't get married to deal with it, but I no longer have any time for my brain to reach melancholy. My sole alone times exist when I'm going on a run or commuting to/from work. When I'm running, my blood is flowing and I'm generally energetic and calm. During commutes, I'm also generally calm and previewing/reviewing the work day. Aside from that, I've always gotten a…

I was going to say something similar, I feel very much like OP, and also didn't get married to combat that kind of feeling, but I now have my family to focus on and fill that kind of void. I love being alone but also realize it would be too much without family, especially with wfh now.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#62

Post by Spooky23 »

Get yourself committed to something. Until a few years ago, my closest friends were people from high school or college. Over time, those friendships changed as our lives went in different directions. For me it got easier when I had kids - I coach baseball and help out with various school and other activities. You show up, get to know people and the rest is what you make it!

My brother got very serious about darts… he joined a dart league and was the president of some sort of regional dart organization. Point is whatever it is, find something where someone or something is depending on you so you don’t blow it off, then start talking to people. It could be darts, robot club, working a soup kitchen or church.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#63

Post by WheelsAtLarge »

akeck wrote: post #6

It might take a few attempts, but I would try to find a good therapist and work with them to figure out this state-of-being and how you can change or augment it in a way that both meets your desire to spend time alone and to resolve your loneliness. For example, maybe you need to find a specific type of life partner who also needs lots of time alone (e.g. an artist with a studio). Then you could potentially continue…

Agree, I've found over the years that whatever professional service you seek rarely will you find the right person the first try. Specially if you need someone over the long term.

OP, your post is the starting point. Now you'll need to seek a professional that can help you. I would also seek a support group the meets regularly and VERY important, start a diary where you can write down what you are feeling and what you think will help you fix it. Do it at least once a week. Specially when you are having the strongest feelings. This will help you articulate what you are feeling so you can discuss it with some one else.

Keep in mind that being alone is a nice feeling for you but that does not mean it has to be 100% of the time. Think about it in terms of sweets. Most of us love sweets but we would never change our live so that we only eat sweets.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#64

Post by taternuts »

> I know, often times i am subconsciously aligning my actions to end up alone

Are you sure you aren't doing this because you have some sort of social anxiety that's prohibiting you from enjoying group activities? Even when I do like something, I often find that I would like to cancel and do nothing, but always feel better after when I go. I think it is pretty normal.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#65

Post by Overtonwindow »

Loneliness is crippling. I've been there. Sitting in a shower with the lights off at 2am crying from the isolation, the lack of connection to another human. What helped me break out of it was to deal with the underlining emotions of loneliness, namely depression. I'm still lonely, for sure, but I'm doing better because I don't have depression and anxiety hanging over me.

I strongly suggest looking into shrooms, and ketamine therapy. Don't fall down the marijuana trap: It's great and all, but it makes you content with doing nothing. Shrooms and ketamine will be a red pill of sorts, help snap you out of thoughts of feeling lonely and isolated.

WFH has only made loneliness worse for a lot of people, I can only imagine what you're working through.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#66

Post by abiro »

Hey, it seems like you find yourself in a crisis. This has happens to most of us and it’s good that you posted here.

The question that you’re asking nobody else can answer for you unfortunately. A good way to find an answer is to start with asking “What am I”. And you’re amazing! But you have to seek the answer tirelessly to that question before you can see that. Here is a poem that can get you started on that journey:

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45477/song-of-myself-...

Finding an answer is very difficult and we go through many ups and downs. If you’re feeling really desperate, make sure to reach out to a suicide prevention hotline. They’re run by really nice people who love you. There are some helpful resources here:

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicid...

Wish you all the best!

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#67

Post by lemiffe »

I spent 2-3 years alone, I alienated my friends and pursued my interests, spent 1/3 of my spare time playing CSGO, 1/3 of the time crafting music, and 1/3 of the time writing software and coming up with ideas for startups and web projects. Other than work, I was truly isolated.

Half of me was completely content with the fact that I had my own space, my solitude, my quiet space, my time. I was in control. Yet, after years of this, heck... even after months of this, something starts ticking in your brain... that feeling that you are missing out on things.

Since then I managed to connect with people, through gaming, but later on in real life, that became a huge part of who I am. I also opened up to coworkers, and even though anxiety and depression can be a massive burden and make it really hard to "open up", I fought through it, through the panic attacks and everything, and now I feel like I'm finally starting to appreciate company.

Yet, I love being alone. I love creating, I love my space, and I love being in control of my time, as it is finite, and we can control how to spend it... But it feel nice to let other people into that time, and also to give some of it up to spend time with others; we are all humans with a million thoughts and a million things troubling us and pulling us in all sorts of directions...

That said, I think solitude has massive benefits as well; over time it allows you to read yourself, which in turn helps you to read others. To discover how your mind ticks is to discover how we all differ, and social clues notwithstanding, it does help progress towards a more social behavior.

Solitude as well as companionship both are indispensable in the long term; the key is to balance both. One time I went to a hotel next to a waterfall in northern Mexico for 3 days without a mobile phone... it was bliss. Yet at the same time I recall festivals with friends, barbecues, and gaming nights with the same fondness.

All it takes is time and thoughtfulness.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#68

Post by Overtonwindow »

franze wrote: post #25
akeck wrote: post #6

It might take a few attempts, but I would try to find a good therapist and work with them to figure out this state-of-being and how you can change or augment it in a way that both meets your desire to spend time alone and to resolve your loneliness. For example, maybe you need to find a specific type of life partner who also needs lots of time alone (e.g. an artist with a studio). Then you could potentially continue…

Finding good therapist can be really hard. What helped me at one point were the video call therapy apps (quite a few of them in the app store, different one per market.) they do not substitute real therapy, but they help you getting into the therapy mindset where you are then motivated - and strong enough- to find a godd therapist.

++ for therapy.

Finding a therapist is all about you, not them. YOU must feel comfortable with them, if not, find another one. YOU control the direction of the therapy, it's YOUR life. It takes time in therapy, to build trust and to open up, but once you do it will be very beneficial.

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#69

Post by tayo42 »

aintmeit wrote: post #56
cracrecry wrote: post #41

You should contact professionals if you can pay them. If not you should go to a library and find what happens to you on your own. Also everything in on the Internet right now if you know how to search and you can pirate video materials that is probably much better to learn about something you don't know than a book. A good professional will find it soon what happens to you. On the other hand you don't know how to dif…

OP, please don't listen to this person. They seem out of touch with reality. 300 pages? The CBT workbook is a fraction of that length. Talk to a licensed, registered professional, not an internet quack seeking attention.

Did you respond to the wrong post? The first line is find a professional? Then says the internet can only help you so much?

Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me

#70

Post by haswell »

I'll echo comments about speaking with a therapist. As someone who sees one weekly going on 5 years now, I can attest to how helpful it can be. It changed my life, but in ways I didn't necessarily expect going in.

I personally love to be alone. I am a deeply introspective person, and have a "rich inner dialogue" that will always accompany me.

I spent some time thinking that lonesomeness was actually my ultimate goal, and that achieving it would bring me happiness.

It's not that I hadn't experienced good social interactions, and I had friends, but the allure of solitude was still strong.

One of the big realizations I eventually reached was that I actually love being around/with people. And I love being alone.

I also came to realize over time that I experience what is characteristic of an "HSP" or "Highly Sensitive Person" [0][1], and when combined with my natural introversion, I would consistently underestimate the energy impact of certain areas of my life (work was a major "forced" interaction), and just didn't understand how to give myself enough time/leeway to rest/recharge after participating in social activities.

Bottom line: It's possible to both crave solitude and need (and enjoy) social interaction. Accepting that both are true helped me fight the impulse to be a hermit, and helped me experience much needed social interaction without judging myself for being exhausted by it.

And being exhausted by something isn't a bad thing. Some of the best things in life are exhausting.

- [0] https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits...

- [1] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4086365/

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