Start going into therapy? Strangers on the Internet are not going to help you much.
Strangers on the Internet are a source of advice like any other. Some people on HN probably have experience with the "intellectual loneliness" OP is talking about.
Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
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Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#22If thou workest at that which is before thee... expecting nothing, fearing nothing, but satisfied with thy present activity according to Nature, and with heroic truth in every word and sound which thou utterest, thou wilt live happy. And there is no man who is able to prevent this.
You’re under 30. You haven’t even hit your peak. It’s going to be OK.
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#23Perhaps 'loving to be alone' is a wrong self-representation? Perhaps try 'loving not to be alone' as a self-image for a month and see how that feels.
> Try 'loving not to be alone' as self-image for a month and see how that feels.
Try to avoid negations, our subconsciousness has a hard time dealing with them.
"loving being in company" would be a positive formulation, and immediately opens up the question: in what kind of company? Maybe a fruitful question to ponder...
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#24It might take a few attempts, but I would try to find a good therapist and work with them to figure out this state-of-being and how you can change or augment it in a way that both meets your desire to spend time alone and to resolve your loneliness. For example, maybe you need to find a specific type of life partner who also needs lots of time alone (e.g. an artist with a studio). Then you could potentially continue…
Short of a therapist, OP could also checkout out HealthyGamer community
- Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/c/HealthyGamerGG
- Discord: https://www.healthygamer.gg/community
edit. I don't use twitch but their 1st video rn (they make their way chopped up to youtube) is literally titled "are you a 25 year old loner?"-- https://www.twitch.tv/healthygamer_gg
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#25It might take a few attempts, but I would try to find a good therapist and work with them to figure out this state-of-being and how you can change or augment it in a way that both meets your desire to spend time alone and to resolve your loneliness. For example, maybe you need to find a specific type of life partner who also needs lots of time alone (e.g. an artist with a studio). Then you could potentially continue…
Finding good therapist can be really hard. What helped me at one point were the video call therapy apps (quite a few of them in the app store, different one per market.) they do not substitute real therapy, but they help you getting into the therapy mindset where you are then motivated - and strong enough- to find a godd therapist.
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#26Sorry to hear about your situation. Try activities, sports that get you out there meeting people. People wrongly assume that introverted people cope fine alone ( and introverted people also wrongly assume this). I felt myself spiralling downwards over covid lockdowns, and what I needed was to regularly get out the house and mix with other people. For me, it doesn’t have to be loads, but it has to be semi regular. Also try and get outside for a walk once in the morning and once at lunchtime. I find the combination or walk + sunlight + tiny bit of social interaction buying a coffee / lunch makes a substantial difference to my mood.
It’s a tough situation you’re in, and I’m sure many of us have had similar thoughts , aside from therapy, the only advice I can offer is sunlight + walking + some regular social interaction. Find the little joys in life, like a sunrise , or trees and birds.
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#27This resonantes. Thanks for posting, and the upvotes everyone else. I've done a lot of work with these feelings, can't say I've found the answer, but it's definitely been worth the effort. To anybody, if you find any of my online presence resonates, I'm approachable.
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#28Perhaps 'loving to be alone' is a wrong self-representation? Perhaps try 'loving not to be alone' as a self-image for a month and see how that feels.
I know a number of people who decided that they were introverts in the last 5-8 years, but what I notice is that they don't seem to respond to human interaction (3 to 5 people) with tiredness, but with excitement. Meanwhile they talk about being depressed. Certainly, I have times that I don't like being around people (when I'm trying to get work done) and times that I do (when I want to be entertained/drink/celebrate…
The thing about being introverted is that some people just don't drain your social meter. Who those people are can change and the number of people present at any given time can also drain you more.
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#29Search professional help. Not every problem has to be solved alone.
Now, the next line may not be for you but others stumble upon these threads as well.
In case you don't know where to start and feel there are no options left, know that there is always someone available when you call 988 to help you make that first step.
Re: Ask HN: I love to be alone. But this loneliness is killing me
#30I have noticed that when I am in a lonely or sad phase, I start to fixate on it more, so it then becomes more of a thing, a la William James “My experience is what I agree to attend to.”
Trying to figure out the WHY (which is unanswerable, and our minds hate an open question) and the HOW TO FIX is still fixating on it and reinforcing it. So I had to stop that (after enough therapy to understand my basic wiring).
What helps me is guided meditations on first relaxing any tension and then imagining the way I want to feel. Sprouting those connections instead of re-running the neural ruts related to the way I don't want to feel.