Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#731

Post by throw220702 » Thu, Jul 07, 2022, 9:43 PM UTC

actfrench wrote: post #727

throw220702 wrote: post #43

Your experience suggests you can solve your problem in one of two ways: Figure out how to interest the attractive men in commitment; figure out how to feel attraction to someone who will commit. It might help to analyze what makes you feel attracted to someone. What were the moments, characteristics, or sensations that inspired you to conclude you were attracted to that 10%?

I can't really tell you this because I fear it will make me look extremely judgmental. I think that there are many men in this thread who have felt a lot of pain being rejected by woman and take my comments personally. However, I will say that for the 10%, there was nothing that extremely bothered me, that they were fine (nice-looking enough, smart enough, good listener enough, nothing mind-blowing - not looking for…

You're absolutely right that much of the energy on a thread like this comes from those who have been rejected. Did you notice how much more pleasant your interactions with partnered men tend to be? That's likely has a multi-layered cause but it's easy to see why it makes your job on the dating market harder.

What's wrong with being judgmental? You've allowed yourself to be at various junctures but often seem to feel guilty about it later. I do sympathize: "Judgmental" doesn't have a great connotation. Yet decisive and discerning do and signify something similar.

As you've noted, it's not essential you discuss this with a universe of strangers. I do hope you're comfortable with your judgmental side with others you're closed to so you can get to the bottom of the misalignment between initial indicia of attraction and the factors that make a relationship with you successful in the long term.

This comment largely confirms my thesis about you: You're someone who has spent your life trying to be good in various senses and through various ways. You put a ton of pressure on yourself. A lot of good can flow from that for the people towards whom you direct your goodness and for yourself as you've developed a reputation as someone who does good things. It can also be costly because despite our conditioning, our striving to be higher purer beings, we're still animals with various needs some of which are more difficult to acknowledge. Sometimes we desperately want conflicting things.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#732

Post by throw220702 » Thu, Jul 07, 2022, 9:50 PM UTC

actfrench wrote: post #726

throw220702 wrote: post #620

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Out of the 120, how many were sweet and super nerdy? What was their second date rate? Along a different dimension, what indicia of nerdiness appeal to you? This comment along with your reactions suggests a theory. Let's see if it validates :)

I liked the fact that they were outliers. Attractive men who didn't know that they were attractive. And appreciated and saw my intelligence. And socially awkward, so I felt I had something to bring to the relationship and that I wouldn't have to compete too hard for them, like they'd be nicely tucked behind their computer away from other women to steal from me. And very data-driven, scientific-minded, so I felt confi…

You answered the thing you feared to answer elsewhere :) Or perhaps there's more?

A lot of this makes sense. This seems consistent with my understanding of who you are. If your assessment of them was accurate, I'm surprised they left so readily. This makes me wonder what the 12 or so second dates would say.

I wonder if this suggests there were men you were even more interested in who you didn't go out with again because they seemed too perfect, because you felt you wouldn't be good enough.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#733

Post by jbstjohn » Thu, Jul 07, 2022, 10:55 PM UTC

actfrench wrote: post #231

FrenchDevRemote wrote: post #226

How many men have you rejected and how many men rejected you? If I had to guess the first number is higher than the last. Maybe lower your standards?

I always check with a trusted friend to make sure I have a good reason for not going on a second date. It is NEVER because I didn’t feel a “spark” Reasons would include rudeness, meanness, treating service workers with disrespect, speaking for an hour without asking me a question, and occasionally completely not physically attractive to me for a very specific reason. Women tend to get criticized a lot for the last on…

Has your trusted friend ever said "no, that's not a good reason"?

Because, if not at least few times by the 100+ people, they are probably not providing the service you think they, but instead just agreeing with what they think you want to hear.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#734

Post by dang » Fri, Jul 08, 2022, 4:41 AM UTC

artificialLimbs wrote: post #362

actfrench wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m actually really open to giving people a second chance and getting to know them. When I have a reason that someone is not a fit I sanity check it with my friend. Im not the kind of person who dismisses agit for superficial reasons like lack of a college degree, socially awkward, height or slightly overweight. I try to be compassionate and see the good in people. I’ve endured a lot of negative treatment from men an…

I don't even know where to start with that reply. "...second chance..." You're keeping a tally? ".. I sanity check it with my friend." You have the capability of discernment on your own, and you should engage with owning your own power and capabilities. Going to a friend is you trying to export the potential guilt/shame/pain/whatever-negative-feeling-you're-avoiding out to a 3rd party as a safety valve so you don't h…

I'm late to this, but this comment crossed well into personal attack and is the kind of thing we ban accounts for.

Please review https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and stick to the rules in the future. You broke quite a few of them here.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#735

Post by sjducb » Fri, Jul 08, 2022, 8:59 AM UTC

FaceTheJury wrote: post #714

sjducb wrote: post #499

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're right, but the bigger picture is that the OP is about to seriously consider using a sperm donor. A 60 year old man with good genes who will provide 10 years of active parenting and an inheritance for the kid is a lot better than a sperm donor who will provide nothing. As for looking after him in his old age; she should screen for 60 year old men who can fund their own old age care.

This is terrible advice. This means that she would likely be widowed before she is 60 and will either have to start dating again or be alone in her golden years. Also, it doesn’t matter how good his genes are because sperm quality degrades with age and can cause birth defects.

I think you're letting perfect be the enemy of good, which is how the OP got into this mess.

Obviously it's best to meet when the woman is 28 and the man is 32. Then have kids when she is 31-35. The OP didn't do this and is now a bit stuck.

The OP is no longer able to attract the men she used to so she has to find a compromise she can live with. Older men are an option, ugly men are an option broke men are an option. The men she wants are choosing women exactly like her, but 10-15 years younger

Probably she's going to pick the default which is no kids or use a sperm donor.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#736

Post by FaceTheJury » Sun, Jul 10, 2022, 1:46 PM UTC

sjducb wrote: post #735

FaceTheJury wrote: post #714

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is terrible advice. This means that she would likely be widowed before she is 60 and will either have to start dating again or be alone in her golden years. Also, it doesn’t matter how good his genes are because sperm quality degrades with age and can cause birth defects.

I think you're letting perfect be the enemy of good, which is how the OP got into this mess. Obviously it's best to meet when the woman is 28 and the man is 32. Then have kids when she is 31-35. The OP didn't do this and is now a bit stuck. The OP is no longer able to attract the men she used to so she has to find a compromise she can live with. Older men are an option, ugly men are an option broke men are an option.…

The problem isn’t that OP isn’t getting anyone around her age who is interested in her it’s that she is rejecting them. I’m not saying she gets perfection. she is out of time to look for a Disney romance and having a family, she gets one and just needs to settle on someone who is likely also settling for her.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#737

Post by actfrench » Sun, Jul 10, 2022, 4:59 PM UTC

Alexander33 wrote: post #173

actfrench wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Lol. I wish I liked online dating. I find it torture and only force myself to do it with a great accountability partner hoping the odds are I’ll meet someone great.

Hey, Manisha 1) What is your zodiac sign?:) I know , stupid question, but anyway, what is your birth day and month? 2) Little lifehack when choosing between the candidates, the guy you want to marry is the one who will make you smile and even laugh every time you meet him 3) check the book "mathematics of love" and the mathematical lecture by Gusein Zade called "picky bride". Alternatively by Martin Gardner. That may…

Very sweet of you to ask.

I'm starting to get a little concerned about how much personal information I've already divulged on this thread but if you reach out to me individually, I'd be happy to tell you my birthday and add you as a friend on the Pattern.

I'm a Pisces.

And great recommendations. I hadn't heard these before.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#738

Post by artificialLimbs » Mon, Jul 11, 2022, 3:14 AM UTC

artificialLimbs wrote: post #16

Stop being so picky and realize no one (and by extension, everyone) is perfect. No one person is going to fulfill all of your romantic and relationship needs, and that's ok.

In case you come back to this, I apologize for the attack.

I was raised with a lot of this kind of language (sans any encouragement and hope), and was taught to become emotional at the slightest sign of discomfort. It's not an excuse, but it is where I am. I'm still learning to avoid expressing negativity.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#739

Post by knighthack » Fri, Jul 15, 2022, 12:54 PM UTC

actfrench wrote: post #323

whydoineedthis wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…

This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice

> This probably sounds really arrogant, but I've long given up finding a man as smart as me:)

The smartest people I know think they're the dumbest person in the room. Your above response is very indicative of the kind of vibe you give to the men you date.

If you can't find a man who's as smart as you, that reflects on the pool of people you surround yourself with, not the intelligence of the men you can't find.

Your sort of thought will usually manifest itself in unconscious behaviour on dates, and will be a turn-off to the men you date. In the same way that many people can't detect the smell on their own bodies, you too likely won't know how abrasive your behaviour might be to others. I know a woman who has professed the same thoughts as you do (in a more humblebrag manner) and she has had extreme difficulties in finding a man to marry despite extreme efforts at such.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#740

Post by AmandaMTroxel » Fri, Jul 15, 2022, 9:42 PM UTC

actfrench wrote: post #709

AmandaMTroxel wrote: post #695

Hi love, I want to honor your for never giving up on one of your heart's deepest desires. I can only imagine the discouragement you're feeling but you're still here asking for support/guidance. From what I'm gathering from your post, the BEST love hack I could possibly offer is going to be something that might seem counterproductive, but hear me out. I know you're 41 and I know your biological clock is ticking and I'…

Thanks so much Amanda. I was starting to feel really discouraged especially after reading most of the comments on this post. But yours gave me hope. And it's nice to hear from someone who seems to understand my POV a little better than most. It was helpful and insightful. Thank you.

My pleasure :) and it’s interesting to notice your mention of discouragement in your original post and now again from reading the other comments. How often is discouragement present in your day to day? And what feeling/vibe do you desire to live in and how can you cultivate that more? Our state of being is our point of attraction and it’s ok to feel discouraged but we want to get back into alignment with our vision as soon as possible which is full of love, gratitude and joy :) I love to take women through a fun process called the Wheel of Union to get clarity, clear out what’s no longer serving and celebrate all that’s already amazing. I’d be happy to take you through it and if after you want deeper support I’m available as well. And if not, I pray your most aligned partner manifests in the most delightful way for you!! Take care <3