Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

No offense OP - I don't know you and I'm not making a statement around you specifically, but more just the conclusions one could draw in general about a person that has posted the information you've posted. I wish you well.

Upon reading your post, it appears highly likely you are overestimating how clever you are.

Also, do not forget that almost nobody seeks a long term relationship (of the "looking for a mate" kind) where they do not feel "needed".

Another factor to consider is that grandiosity is often a symptom of a deep unmet need from childhood.

I hope you learn the humility which is necessary to find what you are looking for. Good luck!

Maybe we're having different definitions of hard-coded.

My definition of hard coded: something that's innate in us - something we're born with, e.g. encoded in DNA.

I don't think men looking for women to cook for them etc is hard-coded - because there are so many counter examples. Nature vs nurture.

Why do you think I was attacking your view? I was simply trying to understand why you think it's hard-coded.

And if you think that NG article is just speculation, then don't you think what you're claiming is also speculation?

I'm happily admitting that my comment is speculation based on what I'm observing.

But since I don't have a clear understanding of how this work, I'm asking these questions to get a fuller picture.

But you said you don't really know - so fair enough.

I do want to broaden my perspective and ideally with scientific research / reading articles by experts who have studied this subject for decades and I thought maybe you had those at hand to support the view that men are hard-coded (born with) to "looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook"

That's all.

i don't want to analyze or criticize your feelings, but since i may face a similar situation, i'd like to explore how to avoid that for myself.

i do want my wife to be an equal too, but how can she be if she is not working like me?

a couple of thoughts come to mind: (these are random ideas, i don't know if they all make sense)

there is a school of thought that says that housework should be treated like any other respectable fulltime job.

like in a startup, there are fun tasks and boring gruntwork. i am doing the programming work for the customers, which brings in the money and my businesspartner is managing the accounting, invoices and takes care of the office. we are saving the expense for a janitor, so we do cleanup ourselves, and since i am busy on the computer, it's mostly done by my partner (i remember reading about a CEO who said being a janitor was part of his duties)

so to translate that to a family, like a business, there are a number of things that need to be done. someone may be focusing on doing the work that brings in the money, and the other person is doing all those other things.

the point is, all those tasks are equally important for the success of a business as they are for a family. we would not consider a CEO to be less valued than the CTO, so why should the housewife be considered unequal to her money earning husband?

we are a team, where each of us is valued the same, but that doesn't mean we have to split the work equally too. instead everyone contributes according to their ability.

i think what your problem may have been that you simply were unprepared for the change and didn't know how to deal with it. i don't know how i am going to deal with that either, but at least i know it will most likely be happening so i'll do my best to prepare.

a few more thoughts of what could help to achive equality when one partner is not working:

make decisions together. especially about spending money. care for each others goals and interests outside of work and housework. in other words, take each other seriously, regardless of what the other is contributing. treat the housework as enabling your outside work, just like the CEO enables the CTO.

By contrast, there are plenty of kids who are alone and would be grateful if someone gives the the love of parents. There are already here, no need to bring more. Why is having shared genes is necessary if you just want to love a child?