Pick at random, put your career in the background for a little while and make this your priority. Preferably move out of expensive places where people are too focused into their work.
Are you suggesting I go on unemployment while I pursue dating? :)
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
631–640 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#632I am reading and cheering your openness and vulnerability -- it seems to have sparked vulnerability in your commenters. I'm a man, 53 now and 5 years divorced with one wonderful daughter 15. There have been a lot of pitfalls along the way and one of the deepest, for me, was not being able to be honest with myself about my goals. So hearing about your life and choices honestly has me scratching my head here, since you…
Thank you. I was starting to feel pretty discouraged reading some of these comments, so I appreciate you saying kind things.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#633> Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities . What was wrong with them? What common patterns (if any stand out)? If this were a StackOverflow question about reading a file from Node.js, it would be customary to at least enumerate the output you saw after the failed attempts. But that's not here, which (a) is interesting and possibly im…
> But that's not here, which (a) is interesting and possibly important; and (b) makes it hard to say much constructive. Many questions like this all over the submission, but none of them are answered despite her continued comment activity.
I've already shared a lot of personal information about myself and I'm not obligated to answer every single question people ask me.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#634No advice from me, just wishing you the best in your search.
Thank you. I really appreciate that.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#635Earlier quoted context omitted.
Actually, I've done an extensive amount of intensive self-reflection, I would definitely wager more than most people.... Did you see where I mentioned therapy, dating coaches, support groups, meditation and hypnosis ?
Yes, that's what I meant with "going through the moves". Or let me phrase it another way: Did you notice any remarkable changes when you did these things? Examples could be: Revelations about your relationship with your parents, how you perceive certain situations, understanding your feelings better, gaining a better sense of your body etc. If you know someone who has what you wants, what is that person like? Are you…
Yes, lots of insight and personal growth - improved self-confidence, greater happiness, overcoming clinical depression and being happy, clarity about what I wanted, overcoming fear of intimacy, my first big relationship, finding more ability to be myself, making more friends. I'd share them but I'm a little burnt out by sharing so many highly personal details of my life publicly here. All my therapists and coaches seem to like me a lot because I dive into the work and am willing to take feedback.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#636If this post itself leads to a long term relationship, marriage, please post again! (good luck!)
I will! Thank you!
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#637Earlier quoted context omitted.
Speak for yourself! A partner is exactly what I want. I don't need a cook or a housekeeper; if I did, I'd hire one. I want to be part of a team of equals, or I'd rather be single. I am not speaking hypothetically. It was a real problem for me when my ex-wife lost her job, gave up looking for another, and just... turned herself into a housewife. I could not relate to her anymore. This was not the issue which ultimatel…
You don’t have to be a housewife to fulfill the other criteria.
You appear to be mistaking your personal preferences for universal human ideals. This is an easy mistake to make, as the things we want feel obvious and natural; it can be hard to imagine not wanting them, or wanting something contrary. It's OK to want whatever it is you want, but we're all different, and we really do want different things.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#638Earlier quoted context omitted.
> one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced from men is them asking me very specific questions about my fertility and the quality of my eggs even before we went on a first date or even via text BEFORE we met such as, and I kid you not, “how long ago did you freeze your eggs.” “Oh you want kids, are you planning to adopt ? Because , your age…” “ would you be willing to have kids before we got married, because your…
Thanks so much for your kind words and encouragement. I believe that gently asking someone if they're open to having kids on the third date or so is very different than aggressively asking a woman very specific questions and making generalizations about her reproductive health before you've even had a first date or on that first date, especially when the question was uninvited. It is sad to me that so many people fee…
I'm sorry, that's not what I was intending to say. I'm not finding the right words (and the English language sprinkles too many negative connotations on words that should be more neutral, without offering suitable alternatives).
Getting an agreement about having kids early on is absolutely a good thing. And those examples of aggressive questioning are absolutely a bad thing, morally speaking.
But I'm not talking about morality, rather, psychology. The landscape you find yourself in is not ideal to forming trusting relationships, which means that one must navigate much more carefully than someone in their twenties would. Not because you have anything shameful or things to hide (quite the opposite), but rather because there are many desperate people in similar situations who improperly court the idea that a little deception or trickery now can be made up for later. And in doing so they poison the well.
I also agree with you that being honest and up front about what your goals are is absolutely essential. After all, you're building a relationship, and its strength is directly proportional to the foundation of trust.
I guess all I can say in the end is: You're not doing anything wrong, but also that not everyone is the same. There are people out there who share your ideals and goals, and it's a matter of luck to meet them because all of the dating apps and services out there suck (I dealt with them before marrying someone I met in a completely different context and completely by chance and with no initial intent for a relationship, in my early 40s - go figure). I still don't envy your position, but I do wish you good fortune. Keep the faith.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#639Earlier quoted context omitted.
"Of course, you're doing that now. This has gotten so much attention that it I'd give you one-third odds of being married in 18 months to either someone who saw this thread or someone someone who sees this thread introduces you to." That's a really kind and encouraging thought. I appreciate that. It's kind of amusing to me that people are starting to think the way I presented myself in this post is the way I should p…
You came back to a thread a day later to engage. That takes an unusual amount of dedication and patience. An assortment of thoughts: I hope you read How to Win Friends and Influence People. And it's not because you need it to know how to communicate. While I'm sure you'd learn a few things about talking to others, I suspect you'll learn something about the way various styles of communication make you feel. You can se…
Thank you so much. I really appreciate the time and energy people have spent being engaged with this and their genuine desire to help.
In terms of action items : I will read the book How To Win Friends, and I’m also going to focus on developing relationships with male friends and dating more. Taking more time to get to know people and they me.
Speaking of being indefatigable, I am quite driven when I want something and it’s hard for me to stop, but especially with some of the more recent comments, I think I’ve reached the fatigued point.
With regards to dates : I went out with an incredible guy today that I met through this post, 10x liked him more than any of the last 90 dates.
He said what drew him is how brave I sounded.
We will see what happens but I’ll going to focus on friendship and being bold. I asked him to hang out again :)
Thanks for your kind words and I look forward to reading the book :)
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#640Earlier quoted context omitted.
What leads you to believe it’s possible for the “vast majority”? Isn’t it far more likely that this sort of spark is relatively rare?
I guess I don't have hard evidence. But here's a statistical game I like to play: Suppose that 0.0001% of the US population - a vanishingly small amount - could produce that "spark" for you, and are actively looking for someone. That's about 33,000 people. There's about 20,000 cities and towns in the US, according to Google, so on average, there's between 1 and 2 people in every city in the country who are the right…
Sorry to be this person, but 0.0001% is 1 in 1 million -- so about 330 people in the US.
So maybe need to settle for that 1 in 10,000 person-- 1 in a million is a bit tricky logistically.