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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#611

Post by actfrench »

Cerium wrote: post #24

I'm not sure this will be at all helpful to you, but I will ahar a short story that had a meaningful impact on myself. I was at the point where I felt finding someone was hopeless (though now I realize I was still quite young). I was on a tour trip and spent a few days with a couple whom I learned found each other through an arraigned marriage. At first I was out off by the idea, but over the few days together l real…

I think arranged marriage can be incredibly successful. And people in arranged marriages do date. They often have the possibility to see options and say yes or no. One of the challenges of freedom is that it opens up our options so much that it can make it very hard to choose. But in an arranged marriage, the parents make sure values are aligned, that extended family gets along, the two people like each other well enough and then they grow to love each other. It's much more clearly laid out than modern dating. I heard a story of a Japanese man who was in an arranged marriage who proudly exclaimed, I love my life and it's only taken 15 years! :)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#612

Post by actfrench »

prvc wrote: post #134

>Over the last two years I’ve been on over 120 dates with men I’ve met online - a few I met in person - in 3 different cities I'd aim to reduce your rate of new dates over time by changing your criteria for whether to go or not. There is likely a mismatch between them and whatever your true preferences are. Obvious to focus on the specificity, but my hunch is that sensitivity is the key. Worth considering also that t…

Thank you so much for the data-driven advice! A lot of the other advice has been not so data-driven :) I guess soliciting Hacker News for advice falls in quantity over quality. Some of the advice has been outstanding, but other stuff has fallen more on the demoralizing side of things.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#613

Post by actfrench »

mrwh wrote: post #371

As someone in his early 40s, who plunged back into dating during covid after divorce, I guess I might be able to give a perspective from the other side, as it were? Or at least offer a few disconnected observations. 1) My dating age range was set to 30 to 45. After going on a couple of dates with 30 year olds (and bearing in mind that I was last dating in my early 30s), I switched to 36 to 45 because My Word, when di…

You are a sweetheart. Yeah, I definitely go after the guys with dating profiles that have no preferences and sometimes, no information:) Those ones are usually the outliers.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#614

Post by actfrench »

jon_adler wrote: post #462
actfrench wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

super let's meet! manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com :) Thank you for reaching out.

Having read a lot of this thread before seeing this, I keep wondering to myself, what must she look like? I think physical attraction is the first and most important thing to match on. After all, you really do need to fancy the other person. To go on over 100 dates without success had me thinking you must be unattractive. So, I went to your domain and saw you are obviously attractive (to me anyway - married, not look…

I love this advice and it definitely makes me feel good:) I agree that focusing on that loving partnership first is important. It's important to me, otherwise I would pursue other ways to have kids. Thanks very much for taking the time to share and to share kind words about me. It does make a difference.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#615

Post by actfrench »

tomcam wrote: post #319
actfrench wrote: post #311

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You’re the best. It is a lot of ups and downs and when people like you are kind and encouraging it makes a big difference. One thing I am grateful for is that as a teacher and an edtech entrepreneur I am fortunate to spend a good deal of time with children of my friends and customers and I love them all the more not having kids of my own. I’ve been fortunate to make some very deep friendships with young children , es…

Want to know how much I enjoyed kids? Due to having a couple of handicapped kids I had to change diapers for 16 years straight. But somehow I never minded. So not even that needs to be a deal killer! Much love to you.

Someone once said to me, if anyone knew what it was really like to have kids, no one would ever have them! But then after you have them, the LOVE is so great.

Thank you for being kind and for the love you bring to your beautiful children. I am sure they bring and will continue to bring much love back into the world.

Much love back to you, Tomcam.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#616

Post by actfrench »

magicroot75 wrote: post #521

If it's discouragement you want to avoid, it's likely that it's discouragement you need. You may need to accept that whatever ideal you're seeking doesn't exist. This discouragement may hurt at first, but it will open you up to a new world of possibility.

I don't think I need discouragement.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#617

Post by actfrench »

cortesoft wrote: post #29

Have all the rejections been from one side, or has there been a mix? I don't think I have a great answer. Before I met my wife, it felt hopeless. I had dates and girlfriends, but no one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And then I met my wife at work, and very quickly it felt obvious that I would spend the rest of my life with her. I guess my point is that it isn't something you build up to, necessarily…

This advice really struck me and I think might allude to something that really has been blocking me from meeting someone. I think that I've had an expectation that guys would immediately know that I was someone that they'd want to spend the rest of their lives with and be really passionate about or else "they just weren't that into me." Maybe call me naive, and I am sure I am, but it's really helpful to see how it works of someone just enjoying time with you, and then after a few months or a year, realizing that they might want to keep doing that for the rest of their lives. This really helps. Thank you.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#618

Post by actfrench »

withinboredom wrote: post #127

In my experience, stop looking and it'll find you. I met my wife on the beach, basically randomly. Neither of us wanted a relationship at the time, we just enjoyed talking to each other so much. Our "first date" was to a hiking meetup, where we ditched everyone and broke into a park after-hours, explored shit, and at some point, kissed, while hiding from the park rangers. But seriously, just stop looking.

So this is interesting..."stop looking and it'll find you." is advice I've heard from so many people, dear friends, spiritual teachers I know and respect.

And yet, I find it virtually impossible to willfully cause myself to "stop looking."

And especially when I'm stop looking in order to find something. I can't pretend that I'm not. And I can't stop trying to find something.

I will add - and this is a little more personal info than I wanted to share - but I've bared so much personal information already, so what the heck, is I say this as someone who has spent over six months living in a zen monastery practicing non-attachment, among other spiritual and psychological exercises.

So how do you stop looking? Is that even possible? Or does it just happen?

Feels like an elephant.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#620

Post by throw220702 »

actfrench wrote: post #610
throw220702 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is fascinating. Describe that fit. What is it that drew you to him initially? What traits differentiate him from others you've met? If your tastes are less aligned with typical as this suggests that bodes well for your prospects.

And I like really sweet, super nerdy guys:)

Out of the 120, how many were sweet and super nerdy? What was their second date rate?

Along a different dimension, what indicia of nerdiness appeal to you?

This comment along with your reactions suggests a theory. Let's see if it validates :)

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