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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#461

Post by sloaken »

rich_sasha wrote: post #422
actfrench wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I used to believe this kind of advice. However, I’ve actually spent quite a bit of time working on myself and coming to peace with my life as it is. I think the everything will follow piece is a spiritual bypass that isn’t reflected in reality. There are so many confident, beautiful , career-driven women who are in the same predicament as me. I think that women are learning to take charge in every aspect of their liv…

I have no idea if the following applies to you, so I won't even suggest it might. I'll just share some anecdata. I'm male, married, with two beautiful, clever children and a beautiful, clever wife. The wife has a rich list of ambitions and expectations from life, more and more as time goes on. Model 21st century woman really. She's killing it at work, learning new sports, lifting weights, networking, recently joined…

I recommend you go to personal counseling. Not group, or family. I think you really need someone to confide in to discuss your situation. At least try it once.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#462

Post by jon_adler »

actfrench wrote: post #109
mtklein wrote: post #94

Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in touch? No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep. I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one like us out there. You po…

super let's meet! manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com :) Thank you for reaching out.

Having read a lot of this thread before seeing this, I keep wondering to myself, what must she look like? I think physical attraction is the first and most important thing to match on. After all, you really do need to fancy the other person. To go on over 100 dates without success had me thinking you must be unattractive. So, I went to your domain and saw you are obviously attractive (to me anyway - married, not looking for a date). It isn’t your looks is all I’m saying, so I guess this is a positive. All I can add is my own experience. I found love when I was least expecting it. In a bar of all places, 2 weeks after arriving in a new country for a working holiday. Happily married for over 15 years with 2 kids. I was absolutely not looking for a relationship (how often have you heard the cliche that you find love when you least expect it?). I suggest focusing on who makes you feel good and puts a fire in your belly. Try to forget about kids and all the rest. That (hopefully) comes later, after you have found someone you like, as the relationship develops. Pressure and desperation won’t do you any favours. As difficult as it probably is with your current mindset, stop trying too hard. Live your life. What will be will be etc. Once you stop looking and trying too hard, you will probably discover something new. Certainly what you have been trying isn’t working! Good luck in life.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#463

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

swsdsailor wrote: post #353

I don’t usually post, but I wanted to weigh in. We don’t usually know quickly if it’s going to work out with someone. If you can get that many dates, then you are attractive so don’t worry about that. And guys are attracted to you so don’t worry about that. Coffee is a perfect first date, and waiting until you are comfortable with a guy before intimacy is also fine - just don’t let the guy feel like you are using the…

Coffee maybe fine for some people, but it's too sterile, formulaic, low-effort, and low-energy like a business meeting. I prefer to do something.

And don't waste 5-6 dates when you know in the first 1-2 if they're worth exploring more. There's too many people and you develop a sense about personality traits.

For example, I avoided a date with someone who presented themselves as a comedienne. She came off as arrogant and unwilling to listen to anyone else initially but I gave her a second try. Her set was so bad, I got up and left after she finished because I'm not going to say it was fantastic. I had a beer somewhere else. Lo and behold, who walks in but this same chick. I hoped she didn't see me but she came over and started bitching me the riot act. I told her that my suspicions were proven correct by her behavior and that she should get lost unless she wanted a face full of pepper spray. I told her to fuck off and let me enjoy my beer.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#464

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

missedthecue wrote: post #19
actfrench wrote: post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t know . I think that’s the problem.

You don't like the fellas you went out with? 0 for 120? Surely at least a few of them liked you. How many 2nd and 3rd dates did you have?

Numbers don't mean much either way. I used to date quantities of women randomly without any consideration to fit but they revealed themselves to be poor fits.

Smoking, drugs, bad habits, already had kids, alcoholism, emotional instability, poor attitude, ego out-of-control, lack of intellectual curiosity, judgmental (conservative or hipster), too boring, not many hobbies, low self-confidence, jealousy issues, cheater-type behaviors, psycho (cluster A B or C), external locus-of-control, taker rather than giver, and/or lack of excellence.

There's tons of women I've met who seem like catches but they're invariably coupled.

PS: What's weird in my life recently is coupled women wanting to be "friends" with me. I'm fine if that's what it is, but the vibes and actions are incongruent to that.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#465

Post by ifelsethenyeah »

baremetal wrote: post #156
actfrench wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit. The ones I did go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself, usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the field.

i think there are a shortage of men who want to have a baby with a 41 year old woman. market dynamics.

True that. An older woman makes me think birth defects, less agreeable, more jaded, less spontaneous, less flexible, worrying more, and less energetic for weekend adventures. These are mostly stereotypes that don't hold for all cases. The birth defects part is the only statistical one.

I (44m S NM NK MAANG) inadvertently have much younger gfs (19-27), Master's- / PhD-types who also tend to be more emotionally and life mature than most people of any age. I guess it might be "market dynamics" when I'm dating them and they announce that they're bi or pan, whether it's a college phase or they're actually that. I don't understand why that happens or why women try to set me up with other women. It doesn't make sense. I piss with the equipment I was issued and don't look a gift horse.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#466

Post by postsantum »

aloisdg wrote: post #32

> My time for having children is running out. Well since you worry about that, you can freeze and storage gametes. I don't know how hard it is in the USA. About the main subject, I can share a community on reddit https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ (note that some people find the sub controversial)

This sub looks like an echo-chamber for bitter spinsters. Not sure how anyone can recommend it in good faith

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#467

Post by sjducb »

actfrench wrote: post #75
mathattack wrote: post #57

My two cents, and I’m no expert… Trying too hard is unattractive and unsuccessful. Many guys get spooked by someone who is on a short timeline to get married. They’re doing you the favor backing out early. This isn’t an accomplishment that one checks off like getting into the right school, or running a marathon. Do things you like to do. Find your tribe. Be open to meeting people in that tribe as friends first. You’r…

Lol actually I set my range at 30-50. It’s been interesting !

Why is 50 a cutoff? There are lots of smart successful guys in their late 50s, early 60s who realise that their time to have a family is almost over.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#468

Post by Redoubts »

metadat wrote: post #242
whydoineedthis wrote: post #239

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So he complimented you, and you twisted it such that he implied you're a whore instead? Interesting.

It's called "negging", and manipulators use this tactic all the time. Most commonly against women. Gross is an understatement for this breed of human.

Seems completely unrelated to the comment at hand

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#469

Post by yakak »

usrn wrote: post #258
yakak wrote: post #160

Another country? I.e. in your 40s, taking a company relocation may be the best bet? Marrying between cultures is kind of a different thing since you aren't seeing each other in the same sets of social layers and translation difficulties ultimately simplify unnecessary rituals that might trip up two native speakers. There are also more blunt approaches like finding an immigration orientated spouse and that can work if…

As someone who stumbled into a long term relationship with an immigrant of a very different race and culture this is probably the last thing I would recommend to an middle-aged person, especially one wanting to have kids. I know that might be hard to believe if you've looked at my profile/post history but I used to be very liberal and believed in the whole "race doesn't matter" thing. The enormous amount of propagand…

Domestic matters are inherently too complex to predict. Through my life I've known many long term happy couples with substantial cultural differences and seen a lot of divorced in ~5 years couples from similar backgrounds.

The US is definitely a more difficult place for the couple to be settling, though I know some there. I find European countries are simpler logistically in an absolute sense (not necessarily familiar to an American) and the average European who marries someone from a different continent is starting from more knowledge of intercultural complexity than someone in the US who doesn't really need much more than shallow awareness of other cultures.

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