Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

401–410 of 741 posts

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#401

Post by [deleted] »

actfrench wrote: post #323
whydoineedthis wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…

This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#402

Post by deepsquirrelnet »

For me, my grandma was an inspiration. She and my grandpa met just before he was to be sent off to war (WW2). They had known each other two weeks.

After many years and cultural changes to relationships, young me came along, totally confused about how that kind of setup was the strongest example of love and marriage I had witnessed. My grandma told me there was no mystery at all. Two people can make it happen if they both have the desire and commitment to do it. Like anything else worth doing, marriage is hard work, but also very rewarding.

I think in the world of online dating we all secretly feel deep down that it’s a cheap substitute for the real thing. Fairy tales may exist for some, but rewarding marriage still begins with commitment.

I don’t necessarily have any solutions for you, because meeting people is still hard. Maybe take some time to analyze yourself and make sure you’re not burned out. Recognize that the people you are meeting might also be.

I think the best way to have a successful meeting is to get to a place of empathy — one where you can look beyond your own needs to those of the person you’re meeting. If they can let down their guard and do the same for you, then there’s hope it can work.

After all, that’s the essence of the “hard work” that goes into a rewarding marriage relationship — at least that’s what worked for my grandparents.

If only I had fully appreciated her advice when I was younger, then maybe I could have avoided years of frustrated online dating. But I feel fortunate to have met my wife at a time when I was mature enough to reflect on it.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#403

Post by Thiez »

akomtu wrote: post #376
meotimdihia wrote: post #330

English is not my native language. But I have some advice for you to learn from the best (not from me): There is 99.99% of everyone comments in this thread who can't give you the best advice - because everyone is not enlightened. You should try to learn/understand Buddha. He is a real person, he left the throne and didn't live a family life. Try to find basic Buddhist books, I believe you'll be happier when you under…

This kind of 'helpful' advice creates resentment: it's like shoving your favorite vegan dish to a steak lover who came specifically to eat a good steak.

And if such posts were allowed/encouraged it won't be long before dozens of other people appear asking us to embrace Allah and his prophet, or whether we have accepted Jesus as our Lord and savior, … it helps nobody.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#404

Post by silverlake »

actfrench wrote: post #231
FrenchDevRemote wrote: post #226

How many men have you rejected and how many men rejected you? If I had to guess the first number is higher than the last. Maybe lower your standards?

I always check with a trusted friend to make sure I have a good reason for not going on a second date. It is NEVER because I didn’t feel a “spark” Reasons would include rudeness, meanness, treating service workers with disrespect, speaking for an hour without asking me a question, and occasionally completely not physically attractive to me for a very specific reason. Women tend to get criticized a lot for the last on…

Shot down 90% of 120 men! These aren’t random men; you filtered their profiles. My advice: read about the secretary problem. Marry the next guy that seems better than all previous guys. It’s mathematically the right strategy here.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#405

Post by metadat »

metadat wrote: post #152
schmookeeg wrote: post #15

Sorry you're going through this. That sounds trying. Was it Alaska that was described as "the odds are good, but the goods are odd" regarding the dating scene and overabundance of men? Maybe a summer in Anchorage is worth a try. You will lose Austin's amazing taco scene, but gain some glaciers :)

That's a hilarious quote we used to say to each other in college at BYU. p.s. LDS / Mormonism is the biggest sham ever. Do not recommend, would not do again.

Seems I struck a nerve >:}

Don't get your garments in a bunch over it matey.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#406

Post by free-malloc »

Always go on a second date if they are respectful and genuinely interested.

Date obese people. They deserve love as much as anyone else, but aren't treated that way.

Try to date divorced men with children since you know they most likely value children, vs a 40yo bachelor which indicates the opposite.

edit:

Point is you know exactly what you value: a family man to love and build a happy family.

You must accept that you are deeply marginalized in this situation given the time frame, and the realistic response is compromise. Drop all other standards and focus on what you actually value: love and family.

Filter against general attractiveness and fitness. Filter for words like "father" and "family". Filter for short men. Etc. Etc.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#407

Post by fdhsbjasvh »

em-bee wrote: post #380
fdhsbjasvh wrote: post #283

The real hack is to pretend to be very interested in something men are interested in and keep up that pretense for the rest of your life. Like the female equivalent of salsa. Sure it sucks, it's a big investment of effort and time in something you have absolutely no innate interest in, but it serves as a costly signal on your willingness to compromise. I'd probably wife up the first woman who shared any of my hobbies…

she doesn't have to share the hobbies, but at least be supportive and encouraging. similar about work. but it goes both ways in my eyes. i should be able to be supportive of my wifes interests, and she should be supportive of mine. the interests don't need to be the same, but they should not conflict either.

The signal must be costly otherwise it is not a signal.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#408

Post by aristofun »

> I’ve deeply invested myself in therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism.

I’ve known plenty of my female friends who were so aggressively “fixing” and improving themselves, that they even didn’t notice how big their ego had become.

Their whole life was revolving around Me Me Me, I want to be perfect, I want a perfect marriage, I want a perfect husband, I am perfect, I I I…

It’s hard to explain, but from the side it was obvious for me why men kept avoiding them, which perpetuated the vicious circle of “self-improvement”.

No sane man or woman would want a partner obsessed with his ego.

No matter how fit, smart and beautiful the partner is.

I don’t know if it has anything to do with your situation (for that I’d need to know you in person at least) — but I see the described pattern in many women (and men too) around me. So maybe it was useful for someone.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#409

Post by MandieD »

actfrench wrote: post #286
klipt wrote: post #236

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But do you know how many tried and failed? The chance of failure at 40 is definitely higher than 30 (unless you froze eggs when younger). > The percentage of IVF cycle starts that resulted in live births was 41.5% in women younger than 35 years, 31.9% in women aged 35–37 years, 22.1% in women aged 38–40 years, 12.4% in women aged 41–42 years, 5% in women aged 43–44 years, and 1 % for women older than 44 years. In con…

Are either of you women ? This is seriously obnoxious to ask about on a first date and ignores the reality that many women such as myself , fortunately are quite fertile and capable of having children. I’m sorry but a woman would not post this BS

I’ll give a counter example: married at 29, had only an ectopic pregnancy at 31 to show for our trouble, was diagnosed with low Anti-Müller hormone levels, never went the fertility assistance route because losing my mother to breast cancer put me off messing with my hormones. Decided around 38 to be content with my kind husband, comfortable life, travel, and lovely nieces and nephews.

Gave birth to our “happy accident” a few months after my 40th, chasing around a robustly normal, deviously clever near-two-year-old now.

Post reply on HN