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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#221

Post by actfrench »

barrysteve wrote: post #101

Maybe the people who run the sacrament can help. A church or faith. I don't know anything about you really, so here's some knowledge. Gregory Pine, a Dominican friar does a few videos on the nature of marriage and it's hurdles. They are theological and philosophical. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itLLHyVW6ek https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds34wmpxt9I&t=768s Some random advice added on to complement his videos, if…

This is lovely “look for a guy who is the image of wisdom and truth to your eye/mind. If he sees you (you might not be able to know this) as the image of love or affection for the good, it's going well.” I look forward to watching these

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#222

Post by CodeWriter23 »

actfrench wrote: post #197
CodeWriter23 wrote: post #159

One of my ex-girlfriends had a list of twenty things she required in a mate. I met 19 of them. She left. I met an amazing woman a couple of years later (at 43). We’re married and have an amazing 13 yo daughter. My ex is still single. Maybe examine your standards. And I do mean this in a constructive way, by way of perhaps helping to troubleshoot. The way you describe your experience above, you present as high-expecta…

I really appreciate this reminder . A lot of dating books recommend getting really specific about what you want Funnily enough, I’ve had trouble writing a checklist. I know that I want someone who wants kids, is loving , kind , healthy and into monogamy. I do want to feel physically attracted to them but I think that could take many forms for me. I really appreciate the part of the story where your wife invited you f…

It would likely have been the end had she not invited me to ice cream.

I’ll share this other funny story. I had decided I was not going to be aggressive making the first move. Fun as they were, I was past looking for sexually-centered ‘relationships’, and I felt moving a little slower than usual would help me find the long term relationship I was looking for.

I show up for our fourth date. She’s curt and says come in. We get to the top of the stairs and she asks me to sit down and says “we need to talk”. Yes, THAT line. She says I think we should end this. I say ok, why? Well, I just don’t think you’re into me. Uh ok, why is that? Well you’ve only hugged me and haven’t even tried to kiss me. I immediately planted a passionate kiss on her lips. And explained I decided I was going to let her tell me when she was ready for more intimate touching. We went on the date and had a good time.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#223

Post by ivraatiems »

norlytho wrote: post #176

The good news is a lot of this is easily fixed, by learning what's important and what isn't in your pursuit of romance! >By most cultural standards, according to my male friends, I’m smart, This is pretty irrelevant, even if true, which is always suspect coming from guys. It's also a very common BS compliment. > beautiful, If guys are using the B word, it probably means you are not attractive/hot/sexy, which is what…

When you say "this is what guys care about", I think you're talking about a specific and very surface-level kind of person who wants a superficially compatible woman. A lot of this advice, though refreshingly frank, is not advice that I think is likely to get the OP what she wants if she wants a deep relationship.

There's a lot of blanket statements here. Maybe the kind of guys you spend time with don't care about meaningful work or people being kind or mature, but frankly, those are all things I and most of my friends care about more than looks. Not that I've never been superficial - far from it - but I care very much about deeper things and I couldn't have a healthy marriage without them.

Also, the statement about "beautiful" not being a real compliment is just totally false. Being "beautiful" and being "sexy" or "hot" are not always the same thing but who would lie to a friend about either?

> You obviously need to stop all that, because it isn't working. Also, it probably makes you look nuts.

I also want to challenge this sentiment. If you think someone "looks nuts" because they are doing things to try to improve themselves, that reflects more poorly on you than it does on them. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with trying therapy or alternative methodologies for self-exploration.

I do generally agree that if something isn't working, throwing more effort at it without change probably isn't a good idea. I just don't think the solutions you're advocating for will work.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#224

Post by actfrench »

GoldenMonkey wrote: post #213

For the data-driven. Austin is not a good place for women to find a man. It favors educated, successful older men, pairing with younger women. Go west. Silicon Valley. Less men, more women. Dating apps tend to have two attachment styles - anxious attached, avoidant (majority for the men on these apps). And, you may have an avoidant attachment style yourself.

Interesting ! You know, I actually did meet my last boyfriend after 20 dates in SF so there might be something to this!

By the way. Attached, which I forgot to mention is one of my favorite books on dating. I think I’m more of an anxious type but the book gave me space to accept and forgive myself for that, and I met my boyfriend after that !

It didn’t work out because he didn’t want to have kids with me but we shared a lot of love and I have no regrets.

Thanks very much for weighing in.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#225

Post by chriselles »

actfrench wrote: post #5
Victerius wrote: post #2

Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a long term relationship?

Most of the time with the online dates, I felt one out of ten was somewhat attractive, so I’d give them a chance and get interested then the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate. I think they just wanted sex and I wanted to wait to get to know them better.

I wonder if your personal situation is an example of the changes we’ve seen with the increasingly central role online dating has on individuals matching with potential partners.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8600582/

The article details how men match far less frequently than women, with most matches by women for males enjoyed by only a small population of highly desired males.

Highly desired males have a far greater selection of females to choose from than average males, and would be far more likely to enjoy the benefits without the relationship commitment.

Your being ghosted immediately following matching or their failed efforts at immediate physical intimacy may be an indicator that you are only pursuing highly desired males.

If so, then maybe you are caught in loop where your initial choices in highly desirable males have a ‘cereal aisle syndrome’ or Netflix scrolling problem in selecting you.

To be blunt, maybe visually you are an 8 striving to match with a 10?

Getting beyond just the visual and to the substantial requires in person meeting for most males to void being filtered out.

I can’t really offer any advice other than keep your ‘attack surface area’ high to increase opportunities for serendipity!

Don’t underestimate serendipity.

And just surf the waves life sends your way.

Good luck and I hope you are happy and full of purpose regardless of relationship and kid status.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#227

Post by actfrench »

yrgulation wrote: post #142
a_developer314 wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

gosh! programmers dating!

Better safe than sorry. Likewise user “mtklein” should exercise caution. She may be after his carma. You’d be surprised to what lengths people go just to be able to downvote or flag others on here. o_O /jk

Be careful mtklein- I may steal your karma ! I really do need some good karma :) I promise I’ll ask politely, I won’t steal though.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#228

Post by ivraatiems »

itsthejb wrote: post #209
ivraatiems wrote: post #183

If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out? My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of se…

I’d warn the poster to be wary of descriptions like this of meeting “the one” - it seems already that she might be a bit too close to well marketed content that sells the dream of this experience of being a “lightning bolt from heaven”. That expectation is very appealing from romantic standpoint of lifting oneself out life’s mostly dreary mundanity…. However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experi…

> THE SUCCESSFUL relationships I’ve had have unfailing started with a tone of calm, comfort, and unexpectedly cosy familiarity.

I think you're just describing the same thing, experienced differently, because we are different people.

My main point is that it's not uncommon at all to know, on some level, that what you have with a given person is very different from what you've had with others well before you're sure it's serious.

> However in my experience that/those incredibly intense first experiences have NEVER failed to be anything but (at best) the crushing disappointment of baseless assumptions meeting reality, and at worst the beginning of a “situation” with someone with highly questionable goals, morals and expectations

I'm sorry this has been your experience. And it's true, I am telling a cute version of the story that didn't include all the hard hard work of having an actual functioning relationship. Suffice it to say that there has been a huge amount of that, as well. Something being intense does not make it easy or healthy, you're right. But I also don't think OP is wrong to hope for something like that, or that it can't happen, and I think that it happening does not necessarily mean you'll end up in a "situation".

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#229

Post by CodeWriter23 »

actfrench wrote: post #204
eganist wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Checklist-driven dating. Re-examining standards and re-evaluating whether every box needs to be ticked is a hugely important next step. I thought at one point that I'd met someone who "checks" all my boxes only to learn that we had some fundamental incompatibilities that kept the relationship from being fruitful for the both of us (in a metaphorical sense). And honestly, if I encountered a partner who's methodically…

All true. Maybe I should post this on your channel on Reddit:) I certainly don’t lead the first date with wanting to have kids unless people ask. But I’ve heard from several relationship experts to be sure values are aligned in the first couple dates. Fortunately, people usually specify this in dating apps so you can filter for people who don’t want kids. Funnily enough, one of the biggest turn-offs I’ve experienced…

Seriously ridiculous questions. I know many of my Gen-X peers started families in their 40’s without assistance.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#230

Post by [deleted] »

yrgulation wrote: post #142
a_developer314 wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

gosh! programmers dating!

Better safe than sorry. Likewise user “mtklein” should exercise caution. She may be after his carma. You’d be surprised to what lengths people go just to be able to downvote or flag others on here. o_O /jk

[deleted]
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