Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

The point of getting advice from make friends is a very good one. They just need to be closer enough to honestly point out what is wrong (and what isn't).

I am often surprised how I misinterpret some behaviors of women. I am lucky to have a very, very good female friend (something like a sister, with all the posts and minuses :)) who does the translation for me.

If you've only been doing it for two years... it may just not be long enough. I'm so sorry that's the case, but it seems to be. Also, you say a lot about yourself, but not a lot about what makes someone a "marriageable man". What are your criteria? Who are you looking for? Clearly you have a lot of people who seem like good candidates, so what rules them out?

My own anecdata is that it took me about three years of seriously looking - in my mid twenties - to find the person I'm now married to. She was my first and only successful date from Bumble in two years of using that app. I had done everything else: met people through my faith, through social events, used all the other apps, on and on and on.

Then, when we did meet, it was like lightning. It was one of the most bizarre experiences I have ever had, because I was completely convinced the kind of falling in love I experienced was a) impossible and b) would never be requited, and yet it was happening to me. It still makes my heart flutter thinking about it. I've spoken to my wife about it and she felt and still feels the same way. Within maybe a few hours of meeting each other, we both suspected, and after a couple of months we knew for sure. Like you, I had dated a lot of people, and many of them fit most or all of my personal criteria, and I theirs, but they weren't the right fit for reasons I couldn't quite explain. I don't think that means my wife is "the One" or anything - there is no such thing - but I have never met anyone else I'm not related to by blood with whom I've shared this kind of connection and a romantic intent.

It's incredibly tough and painful to search for that needle in a haystack, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But I believe it's possible to find for the vast majority of people.

I could write a lot more on this subject, but this has probably been poetical enough for now. I hope this helps.

Thank you for such a kind and encouraging note. I do think I get a little hung up on the order of these things . And I love the idea of looking at these as data points as opposed to , I’m so frustrated and defeated.

I think I also get overwhelmed by the number of options on dating apps.

I did freeze my eggs (thanks mom for the grand kids investment )

One thing I’ve learned as a tech entrepreneur is there aren’t quick fixes, not when hiring, not when building a company or finding love.

I really appreciate you and your kind, warm words.

I plan in trying everyone’s suggestions and I will circle back !

Many blessings , good vibes, big hugs or whatever you like in terms of positive intentions your way

This mirrors my experience almost exactly - it's like lightning, and hasn't faded even over time.

I'd add it's been especially tough to date during the past two years due to the pandemic. Many high-quality people didn't even bother to be on the apps, so often the inventory wasn't very good, to say the least.

Once you find your needle and get to the other side of this process, it'll feel like you're finally home and you won't even remember all the near endless pain and nonsense you've been through to get there.

p.s. Sorry for chiming in so much in this thread, I'm super passionate about this topic and really feel for @actfrench. Successful dating has a high learning curve these days, to say the least. It's a huge topic, and I hope I've been at least somewhat helpful to you and other HNers.

Personally speaking, formal dating never worked for me. It was always too much like a job interview, where both parties were looking for reasons to say “no”. The only meaningful relationships I’ve had so far in life were with women I met as friends in school or on one-night stands I didn’t want to end. I think in both cases this was because the fundamental dynamic was looking for reasons to say “yes”. If interviewing for full-time roles hasn’t worked for you, perhaps try a more freelance approach.