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Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#101

Post by barrysteve »

Maybe the people who run the sacrament can help. A church or faith. I don't know anything about you really, so here's some knowledge.

Gregory Pine, a Dominican friar does a few videos on the nature of marriage and it's hurdles. They are theological and philosophical.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itLLHyVW6ek https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ds34wmpxt9I&t=768s

Some random advice added on to complement his videos, if you're crabby like a lobster in relationships, try not to drag people down, bite down on their beliefs too much, or need to be needed. Strength in yourself to overcome that stuff helps, if it's your vice.

Try to not be an immovable foundation for the marriage, like a rock. Give that foundation up to a divine connection to God, or something else other than your own behaviour.

Move away from fighting the endless fight. If you get burnt, let it go, becoming a virginal undefeated combatant who can't lose, isn't helpful.

Look for a guy who is the image of wisdom and truth to your eye/mind. If he sees you (you might not be able to know this) as the image of love or affection for the good, it's going well. Be a little bit reckless with the timing of pregnancy.

Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#103

Post by JohnDeHope »

Find and join a church, they're great places to meet people. If you're an atheist or agnostic, you can still join a Unitarian church. Although at this point, picking and engaging fully in a religion (whichever) might not be such a bad thing to try.

(Warning, possibly discouraging? ... If the original post is true, then you really must already have a clue about what's up. It seems impossible to me that you could be all that, and do all that, and still really have no idea why it's not working. If none of your friends can possibly fathom what's up, then maybe you need more honest friends. There's something they're not telling you, or that you aren't letting yourself recognize.)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#104

Post by l337 »

Obviously I don’t know you and my advice might be off, but maybe it will help. I am also male - but I know several women who were at your situation, and opted to go at it alone (through a sperm donation) or with a non married partner (like being divorced from day zero), and are very happy about this decision.

You really want children, and I think that you will regret it very much if you don’t have them. You also want love - but that’s not something that is so easy to find with so much pressure involved.

Of course it’s not ideal - but life never is. So go make these children. You have all of life to find love.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#105

Post by xiphias2 »

spockz wrote: post #31

Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, spor…

There is data supporting what you write. The longer a man and woman has known eachother before starting dating, the less picky women get in regards to how physically attractive the man has to be according to a statistic that was looking at relationships.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#106

Post by com2kid »

Closeness comes from sheer amount of time spent together. I'm talking hundred+ hours just to get a new friend. Relationships beyond that require even more time.

Random dates are not the best way to fall in love, you want repeated interactions. People who you hang out with socially all the time.

This is why church/work/school have been traditional ways to find a partner. Lots of time spent close together talking and getting to know someone.

Odds are you aren't going to find yourself super duper into someone after one date. You need to do an objective judgment to see if there might be potential (good personality fit, right stage of life, etc) and go on a 2nd and 3rd date, preferably longer events, a day at a water park, skiing, whatever, just really spent time together.

Relationships can take months of interactions to blossom!

Source: I used to run a startup dedicated to helping people make friends and build long lasting relationships (non-romantic), all the research out there says the same thing: time time time!

Oh btw "love (lust) at first sight" is evolution's way of tricking us into spending lots of time with one person, thereby allowing a deeper relationship to form. (Or not in the case of people who just seek new relationship energy all the time)

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#107

Post by olalonde »

Sorry to be blunt but it seems that you might just be too picky. The few men you found attractive may have been "out of your league" and just trying to hook up. They ghosted you when they understood you were looking for something different. And they may have skewed your perception of what is really attainable. Have you tried dating men that you would consider a bit less attractive? Older men? Divorced men? etc. Attraction isn't always instantaneous and can develop over time if you give it a chance. As an encouragement, you do sound intelligent and kind. Good luck!

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#108

Post by the_only_law »

xiphias2 wrote: post #105
spockz wrote: post #31

Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, spor…

There is data supporting what you write. The longer a man and woman has known eachother before starting dating, the less picky women get in regards to how physically attractive the man has to be according to a statistic that was looking at relationships.

Oddly I find that the longer I know someone, the less likely I am to be attracted to them in that sort of way.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#109

Post by actfrench »

mtklein wrote: post #94

Hey! I'm a guy, single, 37, also living in Austin, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my own love life. I read a lot of my own feelings in what you write. If you'd like to meet someone with no weirdo agenda (or at least like, not worryingly weird), get in touch? No pressure to respond, and I don't want to be an internet creep. I just thought you might like to know you're not the only one like us out there. You po…

super let's meet! manisha[at]manisharose[dot]com :) Thank you for reaching out.

Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?

#110

Post by actfrench »

spockz wrote: post #31

Personally, I don’t believe dates work for love. For lust, attraction, and curiosity/discovery, sure. But love is what grows over time after (continuous/regular) prolonged exposure. Mostly out of friendship. It is also one of those things that always seems to rise (as a feeling) when you least expect it and aren’t looking for it. Every couple I know met their significant other around study, family acquaintances, spor…

This is beautiful. (maybe minus the stop looking desperately part, that's hard to enact)
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