I suggest reading 'How to Not Die Alone' by Logan Ury. It's an excellent book that will probably answer some of your questions.
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
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Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#22Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#23Best thing I can say is be assertive in making things happen. Make the first move, first contact. Opportunities pass by if you sit around waiting for it to happen.
For guys this is natural as we are expected to take the initiative since teenage years.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#24I'm not sure this will be at all helpful to you, but I will ahar a short story that had a meaningful impact on myself. I was at the point where I felt finding someone was hopeless (though now I realize I was still quite young). I was on a tour trip and spent a few days with a couple whom I learned found each other through an arraigned marriage. At first I was out off by the idea, but over the few days together l realized that they had something beautiful. They made a commitment to work together. After that I changed my efforts from finding a perfect match to finding someone I could work together with. Since then I have known my partner for 10 years and been married for over seven.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#25Do you have an idea why the dates you've been on haven't led to a long term relationship?
Most of the time with the online dates, I felt one out of ten was somewhat attractive, so I’d give them a chance and get interested then the guys immediately lost interest and ghosted me after things got physically intimate. I think they just wanted sex and I wanted to wait to get to know them better.
There is nothing wrong with waiting a bit longer to get intimate. Be sure to communicate clearly what you're looking for up front!
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#26Have you considered IVF to reduce the time pressure so that you can make a better decision in the long run?
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#27It sounds like you’ve been trying the typical “random” dating approach. Meet some guy, figure out if you like each other, then ??? That approach has a high miss rate and doesn’t work for all people.
If you are indeed ready to find someone I would advise you to get pragmatic and be specific about exactly what you want.
Write down exactly who you are looking for. Try to narrow to age, race, physical characteristics, etc. Literally, every aspect that is important to you. Write it down with a pen on paper. Make it real and get it out of your head.
Then, aggressively start looking and use the criteria you’ve developed.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#28Earlier quoted context omitted.
I don’t know . I think that’s the problem.
You don't like the fellas you went out with? 0 for 120? Surely at least a few of them liked you. How many 2nd and 3rd dates did you have?
Almost all of them asked me out again, but there were really compelling reasons it wasn’t a fit. The ones I did go out with again and I really tried to stretch myself, usually ended up ghosting me. I think they were playing the field.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#29Have all the rejections been from one side, or has there been a mix?
I don't think I have a great answer. Before I met my wife, it felt hopeless. I had dates and girlfriends, but no one I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And then I met my wife at work, and very quickly it felt obvious that I would spend the rest of my life with her.
I guess my point is that it isn't something you build up to, necessarily. It goes from "there is no way I could find a life partner" to "I can't imagine not being with this person" without much in between. It isn't like you start with someone where you say, "Oh, I could spend a few weeks with this person", move on to the one year person, before finally getting to the lifetime partner... it just happens.