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I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

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Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#221

Post by vanilla_nut »

manmal wrote: post #72
bscphil wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I think this gets at something important. If the options are homework, reading a book, building something, or playing Fortnight, 90% of kids are going to pick the video game. If most of the time they only have the first three options, finding a better balance is going to be easier. Forcing children to do one particular thing (above and beyond what is required to survive in this cruel world) is probably bad. Mak…

It’s pretty complicated, because from a certain age they might spend time with friends who exclusively play Fortnite, and talk about nothing else. Additionally, if we just limit screen time too much, that might lead to a feeling of scarcity, and overindulgence when the chance presents itself.

Worth noting that in car-dependent hellish suburban and rural America, video games may be the only way kids can socialize on an average weeknight, especially if they aren’t interested in sports.

It’s tricky to let your kids socialize but also keep them away from toxic platforms like TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, etc.

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#222

Post by manmal »

kelnos wrote: post #208
manmal wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I sympathize. But if you had pushed them to do anything, chances are not so high you‘d have picked the right things. You might have pushed baseball and chess on them, and they might now be angry that you didn’t make them learn to code instead. Plus there might be additional resentment because forcing humans to do something they don’t like tends to create that.

No one is saying you should push kids to do things without compromising at all. There's a wide spectrum between "leave the kid to figure out all their hobbies themselves" and "require that they do the four hobbies that you've picked for them. I think it's absolutely healthy to push kids to a certain extent. That extent is just something that's probably different for every kid and activity, and I get that it's probabl…

> No one is saying you should push kids to do things without compromising at all

This thread (started by irjustin) is about this though. And, where do you draw the line?

I‘m all for encouragement, like: „Ok young one. You had half a year of ballet lessons now. It’s a bit different than you imagined, and you’re often exhausted afterwards. You can quit anytime you want, but how about you give it another shot and see if you can rest more between drills?“ And if she still wants to quit - let her.

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#223

Post by SenHeng »

thematrixturtle wrote: post #151
true_religion wrote: post #103

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Asian culture simply adopted American and English culture in this regard Since the OP mentioned China specifically, I think it’s good to note that the Chinese elite have venerated art for millennia. Poetry writing, singing, and playing musical instruments were a staple of every young nobles education during the times of the Imperial dynasties. It’s not at all something simply copied from the British during coloniza…

I've never heard of a Chinese/Asian parent forcing the erhu or pipa on their kids though: it's always Western instruments, particularly the violin and piano.

The erhu and pipa were lowly instruments equivalent to guitars of today. The noveau rich are going to want something like the koto.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Koto_(instrument)

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#224

Post by beowulfey »

sosborn wrote: post #34
irrational wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's not true. I never pushed my kids and now that they are adults they are angry with my for not pushing them. For example, "Why didn't you make us play sports?" Well, if you had told me you wanted to play sports I would have supported you, but you never said anything. It turns out that kids don't really know have the maturity to do things unless pushed or encouraged by parents. Who knew?

Is it that they weren’t pushed to do sports, or is it that they were never given the opportunity to try it? IMO, my role as a parent is to expose my kids to as many things as I can. If the like it, I give them more, if they don’t, then we move on to something else.

This is the right attitude. It’s how I was raised, and I can say that I’m very happy with the person I’ve become.

Kids don’t know what it is they like or don’t like. They might think they dislike something, but usually they are just afraid of the unknown. Once something is tried at least once, then they can make an informed decision.

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#225

Post by candiodari »

shkkmo wrote: post #48
nlnn wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's a tough one. If you discover a passion for something as an adult, you'll often wish your parents had pushed you into it as a kid. I feel this way about music, zero education as a kid, started late as an adult, but feel I'll never catch up. Though there's no way of knowing whether I'd have felt the same as a kid, or pushed back against it at the time.

There is a difference between pushing you kids to try things to see what they like, and pushing you kids to keep doing something when they've tried it and told you they want to stop.

The problem with this is fear of failure. If kids consider a skill worthwhile, from programming to sport to violin, and they see how good one can be (which can be hard to avoid especially for music) they will get fear of failure.

The next thing they'll tell you is they wish to stop. You cannot talk a kid out of fear of failure. I've never made the least bit of headway.

You shouldn't let them stop, and even force them to practice long enough (like >15 minutes, I'm not talking hours) that they forget about fear of failure and enjoy the next 15 minutes. Maybe even get them into the situation that there's nothing but the violin or some puzzle in code they don't understand for 5 minutes or so. Sport is good for this. If they do Judo and there is a duel, that's 2 minutes they will be focusing on the opponent. Somehow people don't easily get tired of this, and of course they focus.

It's all a balance. Should you let them struggle or give them answers directly? Should you give them opponents that are easy or hard ? Too easy? Too hard? Should you practice very directly or let them choose direction (they inevitably choose unattainable targets, so it's not as easy as you're thinking, but you may be able to guide them to a reasonable choice). Should you push them, maybe even "punish" them (take away cell phone for example)? I've known my kids to literally ask for that (taking away cell phone until they've completed homework or some practice).

And everything works like those opponents in Judo. The more they fight, the harder and stronger the opponent can be while they still learn. At 10 some can take "normal" adults and at 13-14 or so some kids are very liable to win against adults double their weight. But even "meta" this works. The more you push them, the harder you can push them without negative consequences and you should build this up over time.

It's all a balance. In every one of those questions there is a horrible answer that goes way too far ... on both sides of the equation. There is way too much practice and there is way to little practice, and it's even different per kid, when they're ill or feeling well, and how old they get. Otoh, as long as you're somewhere in the middle, it doesn't matter as much as you'd think where exactly you are in the middle. And you can pick one or two, but no more, where you have a slightly more extreme choice.

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#226

Post by beowulfey »

khazhoux wrote: post #51
irrational wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's not true. I never pushed my kids and now that they are adults they are angry with my for not pushing them. For example, "Why didn't you make us play sports?" Well, if you had told me you wanted to play sports I would have supported you, but you never said anything. It turns out that kids don't really know have the maturity to do things unless pushed or encouraged by parents. Who knew?

I begged my parents for an electric guitar and they bought me one. But I didn’t enjoy my first couple of guitar lessons and my parents said “Whatever, quit.” Fast-forward my raging envy in high school at my friends shredding on stage while I could bang out a few chords.

If you were envious in high school, why not take lessons again?

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#227

Post by technothrasher »

One of my friend's daughters really, really enjoyed dancing, singing, acting, auditioning for commercials. Her aunt had won Survivor, or American Race, or Big Brother, or whatever (they're all the same to me, I can't remember which it was) and she wanted to be just like her! Until the day at seven years old that she had to go to an audition, she sat herself down in the middle of the driveway and said, "No, no, no, no, I hate this, I hate this, please never, please," and wouldn't budge. My friend was forced to realize finally it had been all her, and not her daughter. Thankfully, she did get the message, was self-reflective enough to listen.

What a strong little girl, I thought. I remember years of "loving" horseback riding lessons and shows as a kid because I wasn't strong enough to tell my mother I hated every minute of it. As a father myself now, I try very hard to listen and support what my kid is interested in, and not manufacture what I want him to be, and wonder if I still screw it up.

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#228

Post by watwut »

mavhc wrote: post #15
BarryMilo wrote: post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People don't want to believe. I try to explain to my friends why I won't watch anything with children as prominent characters, but they generally don't want to hear it, because "Stranger Things is so good" or something. Hollywood is the land of depravity and abuse. It's no place for children.

And Stranger Things isn't good, it's just a mashup of 80s films that are at least twice as old as the actors, no original ideas at all. The problem is more celebrity rather than the filming process. Make it illegal to report any "news", ie gossip, about anyone under 18 for a start.

Why would something being mashup for 80s films imply it is not good? Stranger Things are truly fun to watch. That makes it good.

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#229

Post by nvarsj »

silisili wrote: post #119

I feel really conflicted on this one. On the surface, he's right, let kids be kids. But parents almost always overstep their bounds to do what they think is best for their child. We've all heard of Tiger Moms, and parents basically forcing their kids into being a doctor for their own good. When it fails, it fails spectacularly, but it often doesn't fail. Is it wrong that a child was forced into something that gave th…

You are making the mistake that success provides life fulfillment and happiness. Does it though? Would you accept childhood trauma and a life of battling with depression and anxiety, so you could be "successful"?

Re: I was forced to be a child star. It was never my dream or my idea

#230

Post by hobo_mark »

Krasnol wrote: post #128
silisili wrote: post #119

I feel really conflicted on this one. On the surface, he's right, let kids be kids. But parents almost always overstep their bounds to do what they think is best for their child. We've all heard of Tiger Moms, and parents basically forcing their kids into being a doctor for their own good. When it fails, it fails spectacularly, but it often doesn't fail. Is it wrong that a child was forced into something that gave th…

I know one of those "successful" kids who actually became a wealthy Radiologist. In the end it's a "ignorance is a bliss". He's missing a significant part of his childhood. He did try to come up with a replacement for a few months during his studies but realised that he was simulating and overdoing it. I've never seen him "let go" if you understand what I mean. I'd never tell him but seeing that is quite scary and I…

> I've never seen him "let go" if you understand what I mean.

I don't quite, what do you mean? Thing is, I spend all my waking hours working to compensate for a relatively underachieving upbringing and have little idea what I'll do in a few years, after I'm done with what I wanted to build. There are the usual aspirational things mentioned elsewhere in this page (learn languages, play instruments...) but those are a ton of work, definitely not letting go.

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