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On Aging Alone (2021)

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Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#211

Post by bowsamic »

hn_version_0023 wrote: post #208
Veen wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's a tradeoff. Close-knit families limit your freedom, but they also provide stability, companionship, emotional and financial support, etc. On the other hand, you can have total independence from family and community, but then you aren't really a member. Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes w…

> Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations I think you’ve hit the nail square on the head here: this is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life in the US.. no sense of community, belonging, etc. I’ve been chronically lonely for pretty much all of my 46 years. I…

The US is worse for it than a lot of other western countries tho. Unless you’re religious, that is

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#212

Post by xbar »

tasty_freeze wrote: post #101
NalNezumi wrote: post #45

I was expecting some wisdom, at least some insight or sympathy from the article, supposed to be written by 80 year old. All I now feel is pity for her; early in her essay she snobs on "people feeling lonely around loving families" - comparing them to orphans that know true loneliness (and by the tone, she too). Then just a paragraph or two later she reveals she had a family; husband, kids and grandchildren. A couple…

It isn't a how-to article or a flowchart of how to age, it is a rumination on her life and the role solitude and isolate have had in shaping her. While turning over what she thinks about her life, she delves into contradictory positions where both seem true to her; this isn't a flaw, all of us have such notions. I'm not sure how old you are, but as someone approaching retirement age, my thoughts are increasingly turn…

I strongly agree.

As someone who is aging, and who lost an adult child during covid, I can say that I face these last decades (I hope) with a wary eye toward loneliness. Such introspection leads me to want to invest more deeply in the relationships that are strong, and those that I would like to be stronger.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#213

Post by woyakcrying_jpg »

aortega wrote: post #36
XorNot wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Sure everyone wants to date 20 year old models No they really don't. This is an idea pushed by sociopaths who are somewhere between trash and downright dangerous. They can't date older women because older women spot their bullshit a mile away and steer clear.

>They can't date older women because older women spot their bullshit a mile away and steer clear. I think you should stop demonizing men's natural sexual preferences. Key word here is natural, we don't choose what we like. Nature choose for us, and young women are better at having children. Same reason young girls choose tall, rich men, because they are better at surviving and have more resources for raising children…

I think you should stop extrapolating your personal preferences to half of the world's population, too. Something as varying as sexual attraction can't be reduced to a fixed trait that "nature" has figured out. Indeed we don't choose what we like, and that is fine. You don't have to rationalize your preferences to anyone.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#214

Post by baby »

seydor wrote: post #160
sbf501 wrote: post #88

I'm in my mid 50's and a number of peers from different circles have all come to the same conclusion: they want to create intentional communities of friends to age with. One couple purchased several acres of land and has two friends living in a tiny house with them. Another friend is trying to raise capital to build the type of apartments/dormitories that the majority of US city-dwellers inhabitied in the late 1880's…

> to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone. It's high birth rates that create such culture. Europe and US are not comparable , and over time people will get lonelier and lonelier unless they decide to adjust their way of life around this issue and stop living with 20th century standards. Cities should be designed with the single-person in mind…

The number of people I know who moved to nyc because “they really need a girlfriend at this point” shows how dense cities is the answer for single people

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#215

Post by hn_version_0023 »

bowsamic wrote: post #211
hn_version_0023 wrote: post #208

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations I think you’ve hit the nail square on the head here: this is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life in the US.. no sense of community, belonging, etc. I’ve been chronically lonely for pretty much all of my 46 years. I…

The US is worse for it than a lot of other western countries tho. Unless you’re religious, that is

I’m a lifelong atheist, but I am starting to look at religion simply for the community and fellowship.

But honestly I don’t want to be religious. It seems like it entirely suspends one’s ability to think critically, and I have so little of that particular talent that letting go of what I do what feels like a disaster in the making. It feels exceptionally hard to go into it with an open mind.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#216

Post by baby »

hn_version_0023 wrote: post #208
Veen wrote: post #132

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's a tradeoff. Close-knit families limit your freedom, but they also provide stability, companionship, emotional and financial support, etc. On the other hand, you can have total independence from family and community, but then you aren't really a member. Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes w…

> Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations I think you’ve hit the nail square on the head here: this is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life in the US.. no sense of community, belonging, etc. I’ve been chronically lonely for pretty much all of my 46 years. I…

I think everyone used to be religious and so church and mass was a way to get a community. Since more and more people are atheists, this community thing hasn’t really translated to the other side.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#217

Post by baby »

_xrp0 wrote: post #195
throwaway892238 wrote: post #95

Do not try to fight loneliness. It is a natural part of life, like thunderstorms. You can try to tease it apart, understand how it works, where it comes from, try to predict it, come up with coping mechanisms. But the storms still come regardless. They are here for a reason, with their appropriate place in a natural system. But we don't need to understand the reason to accept it. Acknowledge the feeling, sit with it…

Disagree. I was lonely in my teens, but ever since I met my wife I haven't been lonely. Ever. Married for 10 years now.

Disagree. You can feel lonely and be married. You can feel lonely in a happy marriage. I personally feel it if I don’t have a big group of friends.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#218

Post by baby »

supernova87a wrote: post #4

These are the life choices we make, whether through biology, mentality, or environment. For me, one of the key factors is that the signal-to-noise you have to endure with friends to get the few moments of gratification is so low that it's draining. Maybe it's a product of having a high bar for what constitutes new and interesting/entertaining for me (compared against spending time alone), combined with already being…

You remind me of people so picky that they can never find a partner in life.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#219

Post by jes »

taylorius wrote: post #133

I'll add my own data point into the mix. I'm 49, have been married for 22 years, with kids who are either grown up, or well on their way. Throughout my life though, I have been an absolute loner in spirit. I grew up quite isolated, in the UK countryside, and learned to amuse myself early on. My first love was computers, which luckily has served me fairly well, career-wise. I haven't had many girlfriends, and felt ver…

I am 62. About fifteen years ago I could have written almost exactly what you have written above. I blew up my long term marriage because of my fucked up thinking. It was a horrible mistake and one that I regret essentially every day.

Of course, maybe it's all different for you. I mean that. I'm only suggesting something to check.

Have a look at the material under "Nice Guy Syndrome" by Dr. Robert Glover. [1] Maybe get his audio book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and listen to it for a bit, and see how well it fits or does not fit your situation.

[1] https://drglover.com

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#220

Post by baby »

ffwd wrote: post #170

I think we can't trust our emotions. Evolutionary speaking it was probably a good idea for the brain to send a signal for us to be with the group so that we don't stray off alone, and as such this manifested in some brain function that sends the signal of loneliness like the OP describes from his school days. However I think the issue is that we think these emotions tell us something grander about our lives but I don…

> I think even a person who is surrounded by people all the time can suddenly get this emotion of loneliness if he suddenly finds himself alone and everyone else is out to a party

Reminds me of some story I heard (would be great if someone has a source) that you can spot who has more chance of dying of suicide in social graphs, because they are connected to (perhaps many) people but are not part of a single clique (group)

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