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On Aging Alone (2021)

thewalrus.ca

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Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#81

Post by throwawaylonely »

vinceguidry wrote: post #67
openknot wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>"Is my soul yearning for spiritual connection? I've got a good friend for that. My libido looking for an exhilarating one? There's bars and the ubiquitous 'more-than-friend-but-not-quite-committed' friendship we all seem to have but never seem to really look to for that sort of thing. The least lonely person I know is in his late 70s. He's always talking to someone whenever I see him." Academic research may be a goo…

> I never once had a "'more-than-friend-but-not-quite-committed' friendship." Did you really never have ongoing romantic tension with someone you interacted with regularly? It seems rather inevitable for young people to find themselves in one of these. Even the loneliest people I know have mustered up some kind of tension with someone, even if they were never able to act on it.

Never. Why is that so hard to believe? In college I was shy. At work, every job I've had has been a geek job, next to no women at work. Friends are similar so no one around to bring women to activities.

> Even the loneliest people I know have mustered up some kind of tension with someone, even if they were never able to act on it.

Guess you don't know many people then

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#82

Post by echlebek »

Gigachad wrote: post #69
supernova87a wrote: post #4

These are the life choices we make, whether through biology, mentality, or environment. For me, one of the key factors is that the signal-to-noise you have to endure with friends to get the few moments of gratification is so low that it's draining. Maybe it's a product of having a high bar for what constitutes new and interesting/entertaining for me (compared against spending time alone), combined with already being…

Listen to yourself. When you start talking about the signal to noise ratio and calculating the return on investment of social interactions, its time to step away from the keyboard and reevaluate your life. Your brain has been fried by hustle culture.

Wise words, Gigachad.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#83

Post by openknot »

Gigachad wrote: post #69
supernova87a wrote: post #4

These are the life choices we make, whether through biology, mentality, or environment. For me, one of the key factors is that the signal-to-noise you have to endure with friends to get the few moments of gratification is so low that it's draining. Maybe it's a product of having a high bar for what constitutes new and interesting/entertaining for me (compared against spending time alone), combined with already being…

Listen to yourself. When you start talking about the signal to noise ratio and calculating the return on investment of social interactions, its time to step away from the keyboard and reevaluate your life. Your brain has been fried by hustle culture.

Eh, I appreciate GP's honesty. I can see where the user is coming from, and the user also acknowledges the potential disadvantages later in time.

I used to spend a lot of time, hours a week, at university just hanging out with people instead of working hard on my career (the opposite of hustle culture). The vast majority of these friends entered a relationship and/or moved far away, and I don't see them anymore (we've also become different people since then). I've since focused more on my career—no longer taking time just to hang out—and I'm subjectively happier. I still make a best faith attempt to treat others respectfully, help others when I can, and also make time for my partner and care for her, but I genuinely like reading, watching a good film, or doing a solitary movie more than investing a lot of time in friendships, especially when they're likely to be temporary and transient.

I wish friendships would last longer, but in my experience, it takes two to invest in one (and the vast majority of people don't)—though in contrast, romantic and familial relationships are more likely to last. I've learned a lot more from reading and exploring artistic works with the time and energy that I could have spent hanging out. In addition, career work will help myself and my family secure a comfortable life in the future, whereas I wouldn't realistically expect friends to materially help me out that far in the future (assuming we'd still be in touch and geographically close).

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#84

Post by enw »

nazgulnarsil wrote: post #73

Focus on what you can do for others, not what others can do for you. Activities will gradually lose their luster as you age, if you are focused on what you get from them. In Buddhist terms: cultivate mudita, sympathetic joy in the joys of others. It is nigh impossible to make yourself happy, yet seemingly trivial to make others happy, if you are keeping an eye out for the opportunity.

Also Christianity, where self-seeking is one of the worst things you can strive for.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#85

Post by sbf501 »

techer wrote: post #78
nazgulnarsil wrote: post #73

Focus on what you can do for others, not what others can do for you. Activities will gradually lose their luster as you age, if you are focused on what you get from them. In Buddhist terms: cultivate mudita, sympathetic joy in the joys of others. It is nigh impossible to make yourself happy, yet seemingly trivial to make others happy, if you are keeping an eye out for the opportunity.

Confelicity: Pleasure in another's happiness. Antonym: schadenfreude

This reminds me of the term "compersion", used by the polyamorous community to describe the feeling of joy from watching a loved partner fall in love or lust with another partner. Antonym: jealousy.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#86

Post by sbf501 »

walleeee wrote: post #75
wfme wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are describing transactional relationships, but there are other types of more self perpetuating relationships. Transactional relationships are built on the expectation for reciprocation, so every interaction is performed with the expected outcome in mind. Within a transactional relationship, bonds are broken the moment one of you doesn't hold up your end. For this reason, these relationships tend to be fragile an…

Imposition and compromise need not derive from a transactional relationship model One can just as well feel compelled to constantly compromise if one's acquaintances don't share one's needs and values, for instance

In my 30's my therapist called that "being a doormat."

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#87

Post by throwawaylonely »

sytelus wrote: post #21

Let me say this to everyone who is single and feeling alone: you did not made a mistake. Grass is not green on the other side. In most cases, it’s exact opposite.

I'm going to call BS. Sure, being single is better than being in a bad relationship. But, like the majority of music, movies, novels have to do with romantic relationships. Pretty much all of psychology tells us for most people relationship is what makes life worth living. Maybe you're an exception but for most of us it's what we crave.

i'm in my mid 50s. Since 18 I've had about 4 years of someone in my life. The other 30+ years there's been no one. For almost that entire time I was told "it will happen". Well it didn't. It's hard to stay hopeful at this point. Things I wanted (my own kids) are close to zero chance at this point.

I wanted to grow old with someone. Too late. I'm already old. I used to think you meet someone relatively attractive in your 20s, maybe 30s and you grow old and ugly together but your familiarity with each other and your shared memories of younger times keeps it going. Well, that's too late too. Looking on the dating sites it's all grannies and grandpas

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#88

Post by sbf501 »

I'm in my mid 50's and a number of peers from different circles have all come to the same conclusion: they want to create intentional communities of friends to age with. One couple purchased several acres of land and has two friends living in a tiny house with them. Another friend is trying to raise capital to build the type of apartments/dormitories that the majority of US city-dwellers inhabitied in the late 1880's early 1900's: ones that shared a common dinner table and parlor for entertainment. Another has a B&B that also serves as co-housing for 8 adults from their mid-50s to their 70's, and they share chores, which has been together for over a decade.

I find this to be a uniquely western culture issue, compared to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent where multi-generational families mean you're never really alone.

The author seems to have fallen into this void. I'm sure even with everything I've mentioned above it is still possible, but intentional or filial, the family must still grow and add new members to prevent this unique type of loneliness. I don't know how my friends' intentional families will persist over the decades as they start to die, but they seem to be committed today.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#90

Post by jkingsman »

Gigachad wrote: post #69
supernova87a wrote: post #4

These are the life choices we make, whether through biology, mentality, or environment. For me, one of the key factors is that the signal-to-noise you have to endure with friends to get the few moments of gratification is so low that it's draining. Maybe it's a product of having a high bar for what constitutes new and interesting/entertaining for me (compared against spending time alone), combined with already being…

Listen to yourself. When you start talking about the signal to noise ratio and calculating the return on investment of social interactions, its time to step away from the keyboard and reevaluate your life. Your brain has been fried by hustle culture.

Eh, it just sounds like precise terminology to me. If they'd said: "I like my friends but sometimes it's more draining than fun to hang out with them. I dunno, maybe I'm hard to please. It's just so much work to find and keep friends," I'm sure no one would bat an eye. I read it about like that, but just described in technical terms.

I'm an engineer and I often find engineering terms applicable to non-engineering topics; that doesn't mean anything about how I look at life other than that I've considered my situation from a number of angles.

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