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On Aging Alone (2021)

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Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#201

Post by lr4444lr »

taylorius wrote: post #133

I'll add my own data point into the mix. I'm 49, have been married for 22 years, with kids who are either grown up, or well on their way. Throughout my life though, I have been an absolute loner in spirit. I grew up quite isolated, in the UK countryside, and learned to amuse myself early on. My first love was computers, which luckily has served me fairly well, career-wise. I haven't had many girlfriends, and felt ver…

Strong predictors of good and bad marriage partners do exist, but I'd caution you against making yourself, wife, and children unhappy for thinking the grass will be greener by blowing up your marriage. Divorce courts have seen many a couple who thought they were star crossed lovers bitterly at one another's throats. Human beings all have flaws that become painfully apparent once you move in with them and thr "honeymoon" phase of the relationship is over. If your spouse supports you emotionally, respects you, and is dependable, you have something not so easy to come by. If your kids are grown, maybe you just need some time alone to get away? Talk to her about it.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#202

Post by lelele »

nazgulnarsil wrote: post #73

Focus on what you can do for others, not what others can do for you. Activities will gradually lose their luster as you age, if you are focused on what you get from them. In Buddhist terms: cultivate mudita, sympathetic joy in the joys of others. It is nigh impossible to make yourself happy, yet seemingly trivial to make others happy, if you are keeping an eye out for the opportunity.

> yet seemingly trivial to make others happy, if you are keeping an eye out for the opportunity.

Trivial? Would you expand on this? Any examples? Thank you.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#203

Post by moviewise »

I'll add my two cents: Yes, people like people who are like themselves, and when this is hard to find, then that can lead to the feeling of loneliness.

This can be fixed by joining groups or activities that you enjoy. Friends are just people you enjoy being with. Overtime they can become people you learn to care about and even love like family. But it starts with having fun with them, or at least being likeminded somehow.

Also, fear is no way to live. Part of life is accepting that you will die someday, and most people die alone. Even the idealized version of dying, surrounded by family and friends, is no picnic for them or you. This usually entails being drugged or being otherwise "out of it." So don't worry about "being alone." The end is the same for everyone, and hopefully you won't even notice and you'll get to die peacefully in your sleep.

Life is for living and enjoying it as much as possible, and some people do enjoy being alone. However, living alone for a prolonged period of time is probably not THE healthiest thing to do because we are a social species and we do need physical contact. Having a pet like a dog or cat can help in this regard, but having someone who can always accompany you to doctor appointments, or go with you to events, or restaurants, or even just having breezy conversations with, really helps with having good mental health.

So I recommend cultivating friendships and partnerships, and doing your best to maintain them through the inevitable bumps in the road. But obviously, if these relationships are toxic and you find yourself feeling bad, then stay away from them, even if they are your blood relatives. Life is too short to spend time with someone unpleasant, but I promise that there are many people out there who are fun to hang out with, who are kind and generous, and who can become dear friends or life partners if you take some time to find them.

I wrote about how in more detail here: https://moviewise.substack.com/p/movie-wisdom-on-making-frie...

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#204

Post by ericmay »

taylorius wrote: post #133

I'll add my own data point into the mix. I'm 49, have been married for 22 years, with kids who are either grown up, or well on their way. Throughout my life though, I have been an absolute loner in spirit. I grew up quite isolated, in the UK countryside, and learned to amuse myself early on. My first love was computers, which luckily has served me fairly well, career-wise. I haven't had many girlfriends, and felt ver…

Please talk to a therapist or counselor before making any decisions. It sounds like you need someone to help talk through emotions, your plans, your desires, etc, and a trained professional will be able to help here. It’s not a sign of weakness, and these people really can help you make great decisions and really iron out what it is that you want, what the costs are for different decisions, etc. and there isn’t much to lose, only more information and better decision making to be gained.

Think of it like hiring a coach. Lebron James has a coach. Tia Toomey has a coach. The worlds most successful business leaders have coaches. It’s alright to hire one who can work with you on making your life better. Best of luck!

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#205

Post by taylorius »

lr4444lr wrote: post #201
taylorius wrote: post #133

I'll add my own data point into the mix. I'm 49, have been married for 22 years, with kids who are either grown up, or well on their way. Throughout my life though, I have been an absolute loner in spirit. I grew up quite isolated, in the UK countryside, and learned to amuse myself early on. My first love was computers, which luckily has served me fairly well, career-wise. I haven't had many girlfriends, and felt ver…

Strong predictors of good and bad marriage partners do exist, but I'd caution you against making yourself, wife, and children unhappy for thinking the grass will be greener by blowing up your marriage. Divorce courts have seen many a couple who thought they were star crossed lovers bitterly at one another's throats. Human beings all have flaws that become painfully apparent once you move in with them and thr "honeymo…

Thank you for your advice, and I take your point about the divorce courts, but please don't think that we haven't talked. The opposite is very much the case.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#206

Post by xtiansimon »

ta44445 wrote: post #192
taylorius wrote: post #133

I'll add my own data point into the mix. I'm 49, have been married for 22 years, with kids who are either grown up, or well on their way. Throughout my life though, I have been an absolute loner in spirit. I grew up quite isolated, in the UK countryside, and learned to amuse myself early on. My first love was computers, which luckily has served me fairly well, career-wise. I haven't had many girlfriends, and felt ver…

This resonates a bit with me. I'm at an earlier point in life (25 now), so I realize giving advice may be naïve, but I feel inclined to share my experience so far still. I share the part of your story about liking computers and getting a wonderful career out of it - I currently work remotely in a low cost of living country making six USD figures, so I'm quite well into the 1% income bracket locally. Up until maybe a…

Im 51 and still single. I’d only offer that the biological clock is real concern for women, and largely drives many realities and possibilities of their decision making process. If you’re dating and unsatisfied, maybe consider a journey of deep thoughts about having a family. Seek mentors or therapy if that’s what works for you. Then _maybe_ you and the women you are dating will grow closer with shared experience and renewed sense of the human condition.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#207

Post by taylorius »

ericmay wrote: post #204
taylorius wrote: post #133

I'll add my own data point into the mix. I'm 49, have been married for 22 years, with kids who are either grown up, or well on their way. Throughout my life though, I have been an absolute loner in spirit. I grew up quite isolated, in the UK countryside, and learned to amuse myself early on. My first love was computers, which luckily has served me fairly well, career-wise. I haven't had many girlfriends, and felt ver…

Please talk to a therapist or counselor before making any decisions. It sounds like you need someone to help talk through emotions, your plans, your desires, etc, and a trained professional will be able to help here. It’s not a sign of weakness, and these people really can help you make great decisions and really iron out what it is that you want, what the costs are for different decisions, etc. and there isn’t much…

That's great advice - I had a therapist for a couple of years, but stopped during covid. I think I will try to find another though - 100% worth it, as you say.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#208

Post by hn_version_0023 »

Veen wrote: post #132
bowsamic wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it better? I know someone from one of those cultures who says he will never move out until his parents die, there is no independence

It's a tradeoff. Close-knit families limit your freedom, but they also provide stability, companionship, emotional and financial support, etc. On the other hand, you can have total independence from family and community, but then you aren't really a member. Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes w…

> Most western people don't think like this any more, but it used to be understood and accepted that belonging to a family or community is rewarding, but it comes with duties and obligations

I think you’ve hit the nail square on the head here: this is perhaps the thing that bothers me most about life in the US.. no sense of community, belonging, etc.

I’ve been chronically lonely for pretty much all of my 46 years. I don’t see any communities or families I’d be OK with joining, contributing to, or even leaning on for support. Everyone is so selfish it turns my stomach, doubly so as I know I’m as guilty as anyone for being selfish.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#209

Post by DeathArrow »

I can't share a sad story, like many do here. I'm in my 40s,I have a wife and two kids, and I am not feeling alone, strange, alien or depressed.

I even haven't felt alone when I was actually alone. I am always busy doing something or thinking about something.

Living in a relatively poor country, being from a relatively poor family I had and still have to fight for a better future for me and my kids. That only and I am too busy to feel depressed. Add to that relations with friends and family, various hobbies and I've booked my time for the next 100 years.

Why do I share this? Because I think it will help people who feel depressed, sad, lonely to have activity, being it a job, a hobby or volunteering for something. That lets them less time to be sad and involves them with many other people, thus making them less sad or alone.

Of course, too much activity, too many social contacts can have other negative effects, so you have to find a balance.

Re: On Aging Alone (2021)

#210

Post by eternalban »

sbf501 wrote: post #88

I'm in my mid 50's and a number of peers from different circles have all come to the same conclusion: they want to create intentional communities of friends to age with. One couple purchased several acres of land and has two friends living in a tiny house with them. Another friend is trying to raise capital to build the type of apartments/dormitories that the majority of US city-dwellers inhabitied in the late 1880's…

> I find this to be a uniquely western culture issue, compared to eastern asian cultures and indian subcontinent

'Western Asia' also exists and very much the same as the rest of Asian cultures in terms of multi-generational extended families.

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