As kids, we learn and mirror behavior of our parents. Over internet we don't see our parents' behavior, so we start mirroring whatever the average behavior is used.
Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
171–180 of 264 posts
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#172For in-person discussions, we should probably factor in the nature and depth of the relationship. For example, if I'm just chatting with someone at the park, I don't expect them to welcome a serious critique of views they espouse. But if I've known that person for a long time, and we're invested in each other, then I'm more likely to challenge or at least discuss touchy matters. Internet discussions, depending on the…
As a very logical person who developed social intelligence much later in life. One very surprising thing I noticed, unthinkable to my younger self, is that many people only engage with people they are interested in.
If upon initial judgement and they find you not interesting, they basically tune you out, and won't attempt to find out what interesting things you have to say.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#173On social media, thousands see your post but only a few react. They're the ones that found your post much more interesting than the average person who saw it. In real life, only a few people hear what you say but they feel socially obligated to react in some way. So you get bland, polite reactions. They're the people that, if they'd seen your post on social media, wouldn't have replied at all. In a nutshell: on socia…
This is actually an excellent point, a self-evident one which I hadn't really considered before.
There is a vast chasm of difference between online micro-communities (eg, I'm a regular in a couple Twitch channels with 10-20 viewers) and the average large subreddit, and this is one key reason why.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#174Earlier quoted context omitted.
The only bad faith argument I've ever seen on HN is calling any argument you disagree with and can't refute a "bad-faith argument".
Keep in mind, many times people making bad faith arguments don’t even realize it.
I think that demonstrates that the meaning of "bad-faith" is, well, in bad faith. A correct definition of "bad faith" makes it a question of the speaker's state of mind. Not only can the speaker always judge this for himself, but he is the only one who can judge it.
The only way a speaker could fail to realize his argument is in bad faith is if that is a question not of his own state of mind but of the listener's opinion.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#175I’ve found that a lot of people cannot handle reality. They’ve cultivated this bubble of positivity around them. Anything that would pierce that bubble, however minor, is met with extreme anxiety and in some cases violent behavior. This isn’t universal but very common among millennials and Gen Z.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#176Earlier quoted context omitted.
It's dehumanization. We use that word in a bad way most of the time but in the case of online discussions, it's quite normal. Like I know that you're a real person and you know that I am a real person; however, when were talking online that fact can get ignored by our brains. It goes from "I'm talking to a person" to "I'm responding to brabel". In a physical conversation it's impossible to achieve the same level of "…
>"I'm responding to brabel" More like you are responding to a graffiti he has left on this website. Just like people draw (often stupid) messages on the walls of public toilets.
But you’re discussing topics and sometimes bringing data or links to resources that are impossible in real life. Oral language conveys an extremely poor density of actual information, compared to a book for example - that’s why politicians win using oral language.
Reading online is like reading in a book: You can learn a lot, on topics where you’d need to travel 1000km to find the first expert.
Unfortunately, writing online isn’t made with the same dedication as writing a book: We don’t spend time collecting proof and links and quotes and performing regressions and meta-analysis before presenting our results. But HN rules entice people to do that, and people doing it was the strength of HN until ~2010.
If that’s what one calls depersonification, I’d argue that an engineering book is very depersonated too, and it’s its strength. No emotions, just raw information all the time.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#177Earlier quoted context omitted.
The people I know who go out a lot IRL tend to not be bitter and angry where I can see them anyway. But I've never seen any actual data. I guess to gather it one would need access to a randomized subset of the populations browsing histories and forum posts. Maybe the NSA can help? (/s)
>where I can see them anyway What does it mean - facebook/tiktok? What if you just aren't aware of other sites/apps (discord, reddit, etc) that they do use?
Only one way to find out I imagine - tap it all! (Hence the /s)
It wouldn’t surprise me to find out a non trivial percentage of folks are flaming trolls online to work out anger or whatever they can’t IRL.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#178For in-person discussions, we should probably factor in the nature and depth of the relationship. For example, if I'm just chatting with someone at the park, I don't expect them to welcome a serious critique of views they espouse. But if I've known that person for a long time, and we're invested in each other, then I'm more likely to challenge or at least discuss touchy matters. Internet discussions, depending on the…
As a very logical person who developed social intelligence much later in life. One very surprising thing I noticed, unthinkable to my younger self, is that many people only engage with people they are interested in. If upon initial judgement and they find you not interesting, they basically tune you out, and won't attempt to find out what interesting things you have to say.
> If upon initial judgement and they find you not interesting, they basically tune you out, and won't attempt to find out what interesting things you have to say.
if they find you not interesting then why would they hang around? They've already made the decision. To them, you'll have nothing interesting to say ever.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#179The thing is in the online world you are at places where people expect to discuss. On top you simply don't see the people who don't discuss or comment and just spectate.
If you go to a debate club in real life you will be able to debate just as well, because everybody who is there is there to debate. Ot would be weird for someone to be there if they did not.
If you talk to some random person at work it is very likely that they just want to get shit done with as little hassle as possible. This usually does not involve debating about things endlessly.
I love a good debate. I grew up with debates in comment sections and I am of the type that you can mud-wrestle with until you realize I enjoy the thing. Yet even I don't always want to debate. Sometimes I prefer to eat my food in silence, or not talk to the guy sitting next to me on the subway.
I like debate when I am in the mood for debate. This is often, but not always and not anywhere.
Re: Ask HN: Why are people in real life so different?
#180I’ve found that a lot of people cannot handle reality. They’ve cultivated this bubble of positivity around them. Anything that would pierce that bubble, however minor, is met with extreme anxiety and in some cases violent behavior. This isn’t universal but very common among millennials and Gen Z.
I've found this to be very common among all generations, particularly boomers/greatest generation. Everyone has ingrained beliefs and nobody likes when those are contradicted, particularly in public and with factual points that can be hard to rebuff, at least on the spot.
There are so many things I have to be careful not to say to my parents and older relatives lest they burst a blood vessel, as well as my senior neighbors and coworkers. My peers, however, are used to hearing all sorts of things and are usually happy to discuss or debate any topic without taking things personally or as an insult to their heritage or tradition.
I think that there are always going to be generational differences, and that it isn't helpful to blame generations. Instead, we should all work to identify and solve issues rather than point to the "others" and say they are at fault.