The Agony of Eros: Dating • Hacker News Board

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#101

Post by dbspin » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:32 AM UTC

mikevm wrote: post #68

antihero wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What exactly is “messed up” about open relationships and making out with strangers?

An open relationship is an abusive relationship, even if on the surface it doesn't look like one. You cannot love a partner without fearing of losing them - there has to be some kind of an investment. If you let your partner be intimate sexually with other people then that is definitely bound to happen. And if that doesn't scare you, then you don't really care about him/her. In most cases this is pretty much cuckoldr…

This is a wholly subjective, not to say toxic view of relationships as mutually codependent and cloistrated. It speaks more to your own personal issues than any universal problem with a given relationship style. No one is forced to adopt an open relationship. The idea that 'I don't like it, so you can't have it', is profoundly authoritarian. If it doesn't suit you, don't engage in it. Easy, you can thank our pluralistic tolerant society for having options.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#102

Post by igorkraw » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:32 AM UTC

xyzzy4747 wrote: post #69

antihero wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What exactly is “messed up” about open relationships and making out with strangers?

Making out with strangers is a fast way to get sick with something. Same with open relationships. You’re getting exposed to every germ, virus, STD, etc. that they have. Plus traditionally when you have a partner it’s like a form of property. An open relationship is like sharing your house or car with everyone but probably even worse.

You are probably getting downvoted because of people objecting to framing human relationships as owning property. I want to point out to the downvoters that this post did not endorse this, but simply claimed it's traditionally so, which I think can be argued successfully. That I think it's part of the fucked up way "traditional values" make us think about people with agency is independent of that

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#103

Post by jdrc » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:33 AM UTC

m000 wrote: post #90

verisimi wrote: post #11

'Modern Dating' is where corporations intermediate your interactions with the other sex... and its not working out well? Well, what a surprise! People have lost all sense it seems to me - we have been trained to have technology do everything for us. This really means the corporations behind the tech are meant to do everything for us. Good god. The mega-trend - IMO - in all this is a fostered neoteny (extended juvenil…

> The mega-trend - IMO - in all this is a fostered neoteny (extended juvenile period) where our expectations are that someone should service our desires. Its such an irresponsible and weak position - it doesn't even register as a possibility to the younger generation that they should be able to sort things out on their own - benevolent tech companies should do it instead. Even a date is too much apparently. Sorry, I…

That's why people don't buy a house, live with parents longer, live as nomads etc.

I don't share the pessimism around this - housing should be a commodity i can get at a touch of a button because it is easy to build (and i work remotely). There are interests preventing this though, so until then, anything goes

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#104

Post by superfist » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:34 AM UTC

antihero wrote: post #62

immigrantheart wrote: post #56

Looks like the commoditization of love/dating apps and social media begins to show its ugly tail. Stories from my circle of friends/families: - Girls obsessed over their physiques. Going skinny to the point it wrecked their hormones. - People who are married just shy over 2-3 years are thinking on divorce, or have girlfriends/boyfriends. - People having open relationships. - Girls randomly make out in club with some…

What exactly is “messed up” about open relationships and making out with strangers?

More strangers more law of diminishing marginal utility will apply.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#105

Post by Gatsky » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:35 AM UTC

Tldr: Be honest and self-aware to suffer less in relationships. This is good advice.

I would add that romantic relationships are one place where you can benefit from displaying some self-interest and diminishing your charitable instincts. Forgiveness is for enemies, not lovers.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#106

Post by fxtentacle » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:35 AM UTC

jdrc wrote: post #82

enw wrote: post #60

Hot take: men don’t want promiscuous women as long-term partners, fundamentally people desire long-term partners, and the commoditization of sex contributes to weak relationships and broken families.

Hotter take: men don't want long-term partners period, monogamy is social conditioning because it leads to stable and more successful settlements.

monogamy != long-term partnership

Genghis Khan had 6 long-term wives. Most likely, the women were forced to be monogamous, while he obviously wasn't.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#107

Post by varjag » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:38 AM UTC

smackeyacky wrote: post #27

varjag wrote: post #7

We expect more from our partners than ever before—we want them to be our true love, our best friend, our coparenting partner, and the person we combine our finances with. Curious what is their idea of 'before'. Unless they mean pre-industrial societies.

True love is a very modern concept that used to be restricted to fairytales.

Fairytales are also pre-industrial. My point is exactly that it's not quite appstore-modern.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#108

Post by numerik_meister » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:40 AM UTC

jdrc wrote: post #82

enw wrote: post #60

Hot take: men don’t want promiscuous women as long-term partners, fundamentally people desire long-term partners, and the commoditization of sex contributes to weak relationships and broken families.

Hotter take: men don't want long-term partners period, monogamy is social conditioning because it leads to stable and more successful settlements.

I guess I'm a martian then.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#109

Post by blfr » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:43 AM UTC

immigrantheart wrote: post #56

Looks like the commoditization of love/dating apps and social media begins to show its ugly tail. Stories from my circle of friends/families: - Girls obsessed over their physiques. Going skinny to the point it wrecked their hormones. - People who are married just shy over 2-3 years are thinking on divorce, or have girlfriends/boyfriends. - People having open relationships. - Girls randomly make out in club with some…

Most women are now in worse shape than the generations before them were at the same age. They may be obsessed with their physiques but mostly because this is a major failing point and obesity epidemic is real.

Re: The Agony of Eros: Dating

#110

Post by jdrc » Mon, May 02, 2022, 10:43 AM UTC

ecmascript wrote: post #81

Modern, online dating is horrible for all men and we have the statistics that proves it. While every girl has a smörgåsbord of guys, most men have a ghost town as an inbox even if they have an easy time IRL. Sometimes I wish I lived my life before the internet, where friday nights people would go out dancing because there was nothing to do at home. Today, you could go clubbing but I firmly believe it's not the same t…

Maybe that's why Zuck is pushing the metaverse. Since people can't be glued off their screens, create a party inside their screens and remake their friday night through faithful facsimiles to force them to party again like it's the 70s.