Live data from Hacker News

Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

news.ycombinator.com

321–330 of 452 posts

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#321

A lot of comments have said "stay in therapy" or "quit therapy", but my immediate reaction is that maybe you have the wrong (ineffective) therapist and need to switch . My spidey sense went up when you mentioned what "you told your therapist", full stop. I was at least expecting "what my therapist responded" or "what my therapist told me that didn't work". That really (spidey sense, no evidence really) implies that y…

On average, people go through 4 therapists before they find one that works for them.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#323

I'm in my late 20s, but I noticed that people live as if they are forever. They spend half of their life working for survival, preparing and planning for their (!) future. Some people die in the process and never live to see that future, but some people reach that point and become aware of the finite time that just elapsed. Having physical needs met is trivial in our society. Everything beyond is self imposed sufferi…

I will add something to it - many people want are afraid that they will regret somethings in the future. But at the end you won't regret a thing because you will not feel a thing. You are going to be dead and as hard as it is to imagine it - you won't think or feel. If you are religious you may have more thoughts about what is the next stage in your after life, but in any case it won't be thoughts about your current life. Just live each day to it's fullest and that's it.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#324
Allow me to tell you what I would consider doing if I were, as you are, pretty much set financially. Maybe this will be of use to you.

- buy and renovate a house in my town for my mother to live in as often as she is able to (she lives far away, with a separate family)

- take my mother to the country her family emigrated from, for a nice long trip

- spend a year in the country my wife is from, getting to know her extended family far better than I do

- run for local office in my rural community in order to fight for safer bike and pedestrian access to roadways

- spend a year or so studying to homeschool my daughter (if you want to learn something, try to teach it)

- get involved with a really cool local youth outdoor adventure group, perhaps even find a way to get hired (insurance!)

- identify the most effective means to tackle voter suppression tactics and fund it and otherwise help implement it

- build a wooden boat

- take my hobby fermentation hobby to a retail level, if not a distribution level

- go deep, in one way or another, on any one of the open source projects I am super interested in

- learn to play one of the instruments I put down as a kid (long list!)

- build or/and run a parenting community site that doesn't exist where I live

The grass is always greener, but boy would I love the ability to drop my busywork that pays the mortgage and do some of the above. Maybe, if you imagine yourself in my shoes, you can come up with some ideas that get you excited.

> I feel like I've hit my zenith already

I peaked in high school, and I realized that long ago. The company of a group that cares if you are on your way up is probably not going to give you much solace.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#325

A lot of comments have said "stay in therapy" or "quit therapy", but my immediate reaction is that maybe you have the wrong (ineffective) therapist and need to switch . My spidey sense went up when you mentioned what "you told your therapist", full stop. I was at least expecting "what my therapist responded" or "what my therapist told me that didn't work". That really (spidey sense, no evidence really) implies that y…

Absolutely agree, had this one therapist for my son who has ADHD, she would listen to all our concerns and not offer a single suggestion. She would just have this blank stare.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#326
No one seems to be talking about this being a normal part of the stage of life you're in. The 40's are typically the most miserable decade in a person's life, and this is well documented. The major caveat to that is "I know I'm depressed and have been for the majority of my life" - which adds a different wrinkle. But that it's getting worse now is to be expected.

Some readings, which have been helpful for me (I'm also in my 40's):

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-rauch-happiness-...

https://12ft.io/proxy?q=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theatlantic.com%2F...

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/327097311_You_Only_... (particularly starting at pg. 37)

Bottom line: this is a natural transitionary period. To make it successful requires embracing that.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#327
Hello fello 1978 (or 1977).

I don't know much about you, so it's not appropriate to tell you what to do.

Speaking from my own experience, I've prioritized work over just about everything else.

And I regret it.

I'm lost now because I haven't had enough 'life inputs' along the way to help me understand how I should live life. How I should spend time.

But in the past two years, I've come to term that I don't want to work forever.

So I started imagining my life after 45... starting with where I want to live. And it's not the U.S.A. Then I'm going to figure it out from there.

I've learned that I cannot "Agile" "Incrementally improve" my out of things.

I need a bigger external shock.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#328
I had my first experience realizing mid-life -- and its ghosts -- when I was just about your age. I bought a book about it and it helped me understand where most of that anxiety were coming from. I don't see a therapist, dont take any meds or feel that I'm depressed. I have bad days every other week, but I think that's normal and somewhat "desired" to keep me focused on my goals. One thing that helped me fight the bitterness of mid-life crisis was physical activities, adrenaline. I have intensified my bike rides a lot. I used a popular bike training app to quantify my performance and then push it harder. It's been working good for me in general. I have lost weight, improved my sleep and eating habits. My bike has become my best companion throughout this weird phase of my life.

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#329
post #252

A lot of comments have said "stay in therapy" or "quit therapy", but my immediate reaction is that maybe you have the wrong (ineffective) therapist and need to switch . My spidey sense went up when you mentioned what "you told your therapist", full stop. I was at least expecting "what my therapist responded" or "what my therapist told me that didn't work". That really (spidey sense, no evidence really) implies that y…

This is not a problem of therapy, but a question of meaning. We need meaning in live. And for a long time religion gave that. But we threw that out. We now try to get "profesional therapy help". But it hardly has any scientific backing, and no one but religion has been able (even though it fails often) been offer te give any deeper answer to the question to "whats the meaning of it all". The best solutions people lik…

+1 for religion.

Do you have any religious affinity, @0414throwaway? What's your story there?

Re: Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

#330
Your quests are all about money and success. Once you attain them you no longer have a rock to push up hill.

You need something transcendent, a bigger goal that keep you engaged in live, something big enough that inspire you, that you might never complete.

It could be art or technology or religion but I think it need to be something.

I am a bit in the same doldrum. It look like you are a builder and might need something to build, to be productive to be happy.

Also:

-friends -wife -family -kids -job/career -hobby/fun activities

Those are the normal component of life for 90% of people. Look to see if something simple is missing in the list, work on that.

Post reply on HN