Tell HN: Turned 44 today and I'm lost

Everyone is different. I can't say what will work for you, but don't forget to exercise, preferably outdoors. I started jogging because I was feeling down; a friend called and asked me if I wanted to train for a marathon with her. I didn't think that was feasible, but she convinced me and I started jogging. I trained with a running group that was made up of a large number of beginners like myself along with some good runners thrown in.

I started by running one mile, not too fast the first group meeting. I settled into running with other beginners like myself. As time passed, I would run about four days a week. One run every week slowly grew longer and longer and the other three runs stayed about the same sorter distance for my entire 8 or so months of training. It turned out it wasn't too difficult with an organization that set our courses and suggested runs.

I ended up losing weight and being in the best shape in my life at 50 years old, and I slept well every night. Importantly, it really changed my mood and I felt great. I had made new friends, had time to reflect on things while running, and had the satisfaction of reaching goals. At 55, I ran a qualifying time that allowed me to run in the Boston marathon.

I have had other friends that despised running; they took up swimming or biking. All of these can produce positive effects.

John 10:10-11 (Jesus speaking) "...I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."

John 6:27 (Jesus speaking) "Do not work for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man (Jesus) will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal."

I'm sorry for your pain. God loves you. Seek Him with all your heart, whether you are in therapy or not, and he will open your eyes through his word and his Holy Spirit. His word is in the Bible.

What did the beginning of the journey to know yourself look like? What did you do or think about to kickstart that?

Perhaps you've focused too much on you? Would focusing on others help?

I'd also say, stay away from anything that gives you visibility. You might like it for the wrong reasons. Low key might do it

"Zenith" is an interesting word. You might want to ponder "growth" vs "progression."

Most of what you said suggests that you're really good at doing jobs. All that stuff has a quantitative aspect to it. There are expectations to exceed, there are "firsts," companies sell for a specific numerical value.

I've had some similar feelings about things, I used to be a bicycle racer and in my mid-40s it sort of hit me like a lightning bolt but no amount of training was going to allow me to repeat some of the things I had done on a bike in my younger years. I feel fortunate, I love riding, I loved racing too but I can experience joy from a good ride. Sounds to me, and this is a total guess, but you don't particularly like writing software (or whatever it was your companies did) so much as you like competing and progressing. You've done well, you've got all the good badges in this Pokemon go of life. Stop competing, do some art or something, take up fishing, serve lunch at a local homeless shelter a couple times a week (it's really hard to be the best at that,) be present for your wife and kids. Find something you like to do for the sake of doing and not for the progression and competition of it. Be strict with yourself about it because it's damn easy to "compete" at a lot of things. Shit, do the hard thing, and go do something you're bad at and keep doing it, you don't have to be good at it; learn pottery or glass blowing or something.

I've been doing classic outdoor activities with my kids the last couple years, shooting, fishing, archery, etc.. It's an insanely good way to create space to talk with them and just have relationships with them and then every now and then someone does something that they are really proud of. The archery guys seem to get it the best and almost have mysticisms around it, but you can do everything perfectly in these activities, you can have the best gear, you can find the best places, you can do it all completely perfect and come home empty handed... it's just not always in your control and it's still a good experience that is worth doing. There are a lot of things like that. We have a pond near us, I don't know how many times I've had a long day of problem solving, went to the pond with the kids, caught no fish at all and we all came home happier after just being outside and watching the sun go down.

Do keep talking to therapists and definitely do talk to people if you're particularly down about this day. You're young though, there is a ton of great stuff for you left to do and contribute.